Thursday, March 6, 2008

Project Runway Finale - Mango Takes Manhattan!


I finally figured it out. After 14 episodes Project Runway - of Ricky’s tears, Victorya’s sour-ass face, Jillian’s mumbling, and shirtless shots of Jack, Kevin, and Rami – I came to the conclusion that this entire season was all about our beloved Mango/Christian.

Mango was definitely the star this season. All those other designers were just Mango’s supporting cast. Mango was Bette Davis in All About Eve (“Mango Channing”?) – and the rest of those bitches were Anne Baxter, Celeste Holm and Thelma Ritter. Fasten your seatbelts – it’s going to be a bumpy night!

The show opens with our nervous and impatient Mango – who is READY to get this show on the road. Jillian enters the room where Mango and Rami are lounging – and asks if her hair is OK. Jillian honey, your hair is NEVER OK. She then puts an Elmer Fudd hunting cap on her head and they all leave. Jillian just can’t seem to get anything right from the neck on up.

They head to the workroom – where all the designers eye each other’s collections. Rami notices Mango’s “look of concern”, but I think Mango’s just checking out Rami’s extremely fine ass.

Tim Gunn enters (playing the role of “Polly Syllabicus”, the kind-hearted Granny with a big vocabulary). Tim heads straight for Jillian, who shows him a sweater with mop heads for sleeves (obviously inspired by her hair). Speaking of Jillian’s hair, what is up with it today? I can’t tell if it’s just matted on top (maybe from the Elmer Fudd cap?), or maybe there is some kind of something up in there. God – she is TRAGIC in the hair department.

Anywhoo – back to the MopSweater. Polly Syllabicus says it looks “incongruous”, which as you all know means – “that shit be out of place up in here”. Um, yeah…that’s what happens when you make a sweater with mop heads for sleeves – it doesn’t go with ANYTHING. Unless you wear it with a toilet brush skirt and a Brillo hat.


Rami shows Tim his elegant creations – in which he used 1930’s antique lace, among other things, as his materials (as opposed to mop heads). “Phenomenal” and “knockout” are a few of the words Tim uses to describe Rami’s collection. Tim likee.

Tim then moves to the star of our show – Mango. He is eager to see what our fierce diva hath created. But our Mango is a little unsure of himself today – “you look nervous”, Tim says. Mango shows Tim the skinny pants, skinny jackets, and fluffy collars that have come to represent our little Creative Critter. Tim’s advice: “Is it over designed? – think about it”. Tim wonders where the confident and cocky Christian is.

Mango is SO unsure of himself, he even starts PRAISING Jillian and Rami! What is this world coming to? Bette, get hold of yourself! Don’t EVER say ANYTHING nice about Joan Crawford – EVER. You know the rules.

They all head over to the model casting – where Mango announces he needs some “amazing” girls. To illustrate, he gives us another runway demonstration, while wearing one of Jillian’s hats (which DOES look like a brush, actually). Jillian has never done a casting before, and seems overwhelmed, as usual. How can someone be so cool with a MopSweater, but then get freaked out while picking models to wear said MopSweater? I just don’t get it.

The models come and go. As Rami said, some were great, some just OK, and some were “tragic”. He wasn’t kidding. I think some of these girls came from the Flushing Queens Academy of Modeling and Cosmetology – Hot Tranny Mess Division. It’s right beside the school that Sweet P went to – the Clusterfuckery Fashion Institute (CFI). Just a quick subway ride on the 7 Train!

Mango wants girls who are “edgy” and “dark” (just like I like my MEN). Here are his instructions to the model casting people: “I need fierce tallness and walks for days”. Seriously Mango – you just won this competition for that statement ALONE. I can see him in 20 years, in his Garment District office barking into the speakerphone: “Get me FIERCE TALLNESS and WALKS FOR DAYS!!!”. This kid is going places.

It’s bedtime for our Tranny Trio of designers, and the next day they wake up for their makeup consultations with Collier Strong. Rami is going for “chiseled”, Jillian wants “natural”, and Mango is looking for “gorgeous”. Or maybe “gorgeous for days”.

They then do their model fittings – where Rami gets his first good look at Mango’s collection. Rami dismisses it as “over the top”, saying Mango has a lot to learn about dressing women – not just models. Ramina dear, this is a fashion SHOW – you will be dressing MODELS…

Mango’s models have started the Great Shoe Rebellion of 2008. They claim the shoes are horrible and they can’t walk in them. Mango states that he has PERSONALLY walked around his tiny apartment for a week in these shoes – and they are “flawless”. “It’s not all about comfort ladies!”. Mango quashes the rebellion and dismisses his models for the night. “Be really skinny – don’t eat” are his parting instructions. Mango runs a tight ship bitches!

Then we have the requisite scene where Jillian questions herself, mumbles, and adjusts her bangs. Enough said. Her model selection apparently resembles the United Colors and Heights of Benetton. Here is her mixed-matched model lineup:


They all consult with Nathaniel, the Tresemme Hair Queen. Jillian requests “floaty, bouncy, and perfect” hair – all the things HER hair isn’t. Mango’s instructions: “Be fierce!”. Again – he is GOING PLACES, I tell ya!

Tim calls them for one last “gather-round” and announces the order in which they will show their collections: Jillian, then Rami, then Mango. Tim then gets a little verklempt praising our final three for their talent – and morphs into Stuart Smalley. “You’re good enough, you’re smart enough – and doggone it, people like you!”, he tells the three remaining designers. Amen.


Our Tranny Trio goes to bed one last time…knowing that tomorrow Mango, er...SOMEONE, will be the winner.

They awaken at 4:15 am – and everyone is a bundle of raw nerves. They pack up their things, and we see the plethora of hair products that Jillian possesses – brushes, sprays, gels, and at least two curling irons. I’d hate to see what that rat’s nest would look like if she DIDN’T have all this “help”. Probably something like this:


They head over to the Bryant Park tents – the hub of New York Fashion Week. The main tent is cavernous (and still empty at this hour). They walk the runway and have another group hug (killing time much?!?). “This is it guys”…Jillian says.

It is now just two hours before the show, and it’s utter chaos backstage. Mango’s girls are late, Jillian’s seams are coming undone (literally), and Rami is busy looking way too confident.

But wait – what is this? – Mango is having a nervous breakdown!. “I’m so over these girls” he wails. We almost see tears. “It’s soooo unfair!!!” he whines. Just then his last model shows and there is a total turnaround in his mood and even his voice. Mango is back!!!

Rami tells us AGAIN how this has been a dream of his since he was 5-years-old. I am really glad this season is almost over – just so I don’t have to listen to that noise anymore. Please Rami, tell us AGAIN how “politically complicated” Jerusalem is – with its THREE MAJOR RELIGIONS, and all!

The star of our show tells us how this is “make or break” for Mango. He has no opportunities coming down the pike (yeah, right) and the bitch needs money. Jillian mumbles something about something…

The “star-studded” crowd has filled into the tent and awaits the start of the show. And by “star-studded”, I mean every bitch who has EVER been on a Bravo show – as well as Posh Spice/Victoria Beckham (the guest judge). She is wearing a kumquat/orange-colored dress – and I promptly decide that “kumquat” is the nastiest word EVER. Seriously, it’s just a gross word, and no one should ever use it…

Heidi comes onto the runway to introduce Michael Kors (wearing a scarf and sunglasses – but no diaper pants), Meana Garzilla (who’s obviously hit the Champagne backstage because she’s smiling more than EVER), and Kumquat Spice. “Let’s start the show!”.

Jillian comes out first. She looks adorable – and her hair is acceptable. She gives us a cute curtsy…

Her collection is CUTE…but I’m not seeing anything that will sober Nina Garcia up. The MopSweater comes out – and even that looks fine. In the audience, Jillian’s father has ditched his trucker cap, Jillian’s boyfriend doesn’t look nearly as cute as he did on Long Island, and Tyson Beckford has FIERCE eyebrows. We get a final curtsy, and Tim gives Jillian some final encouraging words backstage.

Rami is next. He comes out and gives us a few comments about “celebrating women”, blah blah blah. If he says “Jerusalem” or “5-years-old” I will die of barfness. They show Rami’s “Family and Friends”…why don’t they say that the cute guy is Rami’s boyfriend (as one of my Dust Bunnies confirmed last week)? Maybe because his parents still live in an “Arab environment”?

His collection is TOTALLY Rami. Gorgeous gowns. Draping. Basketweaving. But then they cut to a shot of SourFace Victorya in the audience. Ugh. That bitch is evil. The Evil Witch has come to curse Rami – he is doomed. I managed to get a screen-capture of Victorya from the audience:


I hate to say it – but Rami’s collection is a little boring. And what is up with Rami and olive green? That bitch LOVES olive green. Could it be due to the “Arab environment” he grew up in?...


Now it’s time for the Grand Diva and Star of our show. Mango comes out, thanks his Hot Tranny Mess of a family – and tells everyone they look fierce. It’s time for the Mango magic to happen ya’ll…

The music pumps and the crowd cheers as the first girl struts down the runway. She is giving us fierce tallness and walks for days. Work!! There are hats, gloves, skinny pants and ruffles…Work!!!! Mango is BRINGING IT TO YOU BITCHES! Nina Garcia has sobered up and is practically clapping with the thumping House Music. Michael Kors has peed himself a little (too bad he forgot the diaper pants). Mango, at just 21-years-old, is teaching a Master Class in Fierceness. LEARN IT BITCHES – AND LEARN IT WELL!!!!!!!

In a voiceover, Mango tells us how he LOVES Victoria Beckham, and how he would love to dress her. Well, Posh looks like she wants to hogtie our little Mango and keep him in her basement making ruffled collars for her. Victoria Beckham is SMILING bitches…this is over.

OK – time for Mango’s finale look: the famous Chicken Pants. But wait…no Chicken Pants!?!…it’s now a CHICKEN GOWN BITCHES!!!! The crowd is going wild! Even the miserable Carmen (like the opera) Webber (like the musical composer) smiles from the audience! Mango walks down the runway after his models and gives us a victory twirl. I need a cigarette (and I’ve never smoked in my life)! Did I mention the CHICKEN GOWN?? – I am GAGGING on the glamour…(or maybe the feathers)…


Mango’s comment after the show: “Whatever happens, happens – but I need a hundred grand”. Going places, I tell ya!!!

Time for the judges to judge. They are impressed by the show, in general. Nina comments that on this last day of Fashion Week, this show was just as good as the rest of the crap she saw all week (I’m sure Donna Karan was THRILLED to hear that).

The designers line up on the runway one last time, and Heidi reminds them what the winner will receive: a spread in Elle, a new Saturn (natch!), the chance to sell their collection on Bluefly.com, one year’s representation from something called the Designers’ Management Agency, and $100,000. Mango is trying to figure out in his head how much ORGANZA he can buy with $100,000.

They speak to the designers one-by-one. Jillian tells them how she was inspired by the final challenge – the “Master of the Argonauts” painting. Michael Kors praises her collection as “feminine” and “modern”. Posh says everything was made “beautifully”, and Heidi loves the new shapes she has created (which will happen when you utilize mop heads).

But Negative Nina has lost her Champagne buzz – and is determined to kill everyone else’s buzz too. She says Jillian’s collection is a little “disjointed”, with “too many inspirations”. Nina is the “Debbie Downer” of fashion.

Next up is Mango – who is uncharacteristically tongue-tied and nervous. Michael says Mango’s collection was “powerful” and showed “chic drama”. He says the two-tone dress was “Spec-Tac-U-Lar”, like it was 4 separate words. Mango is loosening up a little. Posh couldn’t praise the collection enough – she loved every minute of it, and it even made her smile (which ain’t easy). But then she pronounced him “major”, which is the equivalent of “fierce” in MangoSpeak – and Mango has his magic back. Even Debbie Downer Nina can’t mess with Mango now!

Rami is last. Heidi LOVES his collection, which is the kiss of death because Nina and Michael consider Heidi to be German and tacky. Michael wasn’t a fan of Rami’s “Brady Bunch Colors”. I didn’t realize Marcia and Jan wore olive green…

The designers go backstage so the judges can make a decision – but how hard can it be? Mango is the winner bitches…let’s get moving here! Even Nina had good things to say – Mango “opened strong”, and “delivered constantly” – but then again, she was drunk during the show. Victoria Beckham runs out of adjective after using “cool”, stylish, “young”, and “breath of fresh air”. Posh wants to take a big bite out of our little Mango!

The Tranny Trio trot back out for their final judgment…

Jillian is out, and we get one last mumble: “ … disappointed … mumble, mumble … let down … mumble, mumble … wouldn’t do it differently …”. Buh-bye. I have to say, I like Jillian a lot better now, than I did at the beginning of the season.

It’s now down to Mango Channing and Rami Harrington (my apologies to those of you who aren’t familiar with All About Eve – but I’m almost finished, so deal with it).

Mango is a MESS, and is tearing up while waiting for the judge’s decision. MANGO WINS PROJECT RUNWAY SEASON FOUR!!!! He hugs Rami, and all the judges smile. Heidi declares him “Uber-Fierce!”, and Posh announces that she wants him to design for her – preferably in a tangerine/kumquat color. He gives her a “have your people call my people” look…

Tim comes out (along with Mango’s Tranny Mess family) and asks Christian: “Do you believe it?!?” Mango’s reply: “Yeah”.

This kid is going places…



Oh my God – it’s over! What do my Dust Bunnies think…should I do recaps of Top Chef??? Not as much gay drama – but drama nonetheless….hmmm......???????

Seriously people, this has been FUN AS SHIT for me. And your comments keep me coming back each week. Thank you for all the love – and just because Project Runway is over, it doesn’t mean you can’t come back and visit DavidDust every once in a while.

Bye…..Love You….Love Your Hair!!!!!!!!!

38 comments:

Howard said...

At the risk of incurring the wrath of some of the other Dust-Bunnies and posting first, I must say you have outdone yourself, DAVID! Excellent prose, and the analogy to All About Eve is utter genius!

However, I wasn't as swayed by the winning designs as you or the judges, but it was an excellent season.

And I do hope you continue with Top Chef, and after all, last season Dale was, at times, the tranny mess to end all tranny messiness! Although I do admit I already stop by here enough for you to be issuing the restraining order soon.

Beth said...

I love Mango!!! I cried when he started to lose it on the runway....his little lip was quivering....his chin was going crazy....the tears were comeing. And then they said he won! And he was all over Rami! Hell, I'd be all over Rami too! I loved all of his stuff and wish I was fierce enough to wear it. I thought Victoria beckham was having an orgasm watching his stuff come down the runway....and you KNOW she is going to wear his stuff!!!

Go Mango!!!

I've never watched Top Chef but I will if you will!! ;)

Kum-twat is a nasty word....

leazwell said...

You mopped that episode up for days! Fierce synopsis.

Mary Ceille Allen said...

I will continue to come back just because I think you are hilarious. I do wonder what my husband will think when I view your blog daily with the man candy you provide. Plus the fact that you are so uber liberal that how can we possibly have anything to talk about. However, I will visit if you will. As always wonderful commentary. Later tater.

NEW Kid said...

Just found this blog and love it. YOU must go on and blog on every show...

Mom2fur said...

I'm glad Mango won. Only 21, and he's designing like this...can you even imagine him at 30, 40 and on?

Oh, please, do reviews on Top Chef! Do reviews on anything--you're so much fun!

Kwana said...

Cut to me standing and clapping in my bedroom!!! Bravo!

A wonderful recap. You made my day. Please come back and do Top Chef. It will take my blues away since I have no Tre this season.

David Dust said...

Kwana - I FORGOT about Tre. Mmmmmmmmm!!! He was delish!

David Dust said...

Howard - thank you as always.

Beth - girlfriend, that is SO CUTE that you CRIED! Mango deserved it.

Lea - I'll be wringing out this damn mop for weeks!

M.C.A - I'm so glad you'll keep visiting...even with me being uber-liberal. See this blog BRINGS PEOPLE TOGETHER - kind of like Barack Obama (sorry TivoMom - I just had to)!

New Kid - welcome. How does it feel to be a Dust Bunny?!? :)

Mom2Fur - Top Chef it is!!!

Paloma said...

You are my new favorite! Not only are you a great writer, but you are hilarious! You are fierce and Mayyyjuhhh!

David Dust said...

Paloma - it NEVER gets old hearing that I'm a great writer...thank you (even if you're lying)!

Mark in DE said...

This is my 1st visit to your blog, but it will not be my last. This entry is pure gay genius! I wish I was the writer you are.

Thanks for commenting on my blog which brought me here. Oh, and be forwarned: I'm a frequent commenter! (snap)

Mark :-)

Beth said...

girlfriend, you are getting to be so famous!! and people LOVE you!!! But I had you first,,,remember that. I'm very selfish with my gays..or gay, since you're my only one! Tranny!!

Raven said...

David,

THANKS so much for finding me so that I could find YOU! :)
What an excellent read...you can go take a beauty rest now, hunny, cuz it musta taken you HOURS to recap all that drama...BRAVO!

xxx
Raven

JohnyStarr said...

My feathered hat is off to you, and I am now doing the chicken dance.

Fierce bitches!!

Jennie said...

I'm feeling Ricky-ish. Tears are welling. Though I came here for the fierce PR recaps, I love your other posts, so I'm still a Bunny.

Jillian's face at the end was classic. She really thought she had won. Dear lord.

I loved that Christian cried. I did not love explaining to my daughter's 13 year old friend that she, in fact, wouldn't marry Mango, since he prefers to klss boys. Maybe I should have let her learn it on her own.

Rami...perhaps he is color blind. I hear that can happen in politically complicated areas. Tragic.

I'm gonna miss me some Tim Gunn.

Mistress Maddie said...

Kast night was very entertaining and I loved Mango,s collection.This recap has me laughing so hard David my sides hurt!!And believe it or not,Victoria does smile quite often,we just don't see it.It happens every night when Mr.Beckman drops his pants!!!

David Dust said...

Mark, Raven, and JohnnyStar -

Welcome...and remember, the more comments I get, the more entertaining I am!

Beth - Yes dear, you were my first (and you always remember you're first time...with a Tranny!!!). I loves me some BETH! And don't even THINK ABOUT getting another gay - 'cause I will CUT A BITCH! XOXOXOXOXOXOXO

Jennie - yes, you should let that girl find out for herself about the gays...or she'll spend a lifetime trolling Gay Bars looking to find that ONE that she can "convert"!

And Dear Dear Maddie - I don't know if the rest of you know this, but Maddie is one of my oldest friends (emphasis on OLD!) - and my sister. We used to run amok in the gay bars of Harrisburg, PA back in the day!!! Maddie - you win best comment! YOU KNOW Kumquat Spice smiles every time she she's her fine-ass man! Brava Maddie!

Sandbug said...

Mr. Dust,
I came across your blog quite by accident – early in the season I missed an episode of PR and was looking for a recap. I have been HOOKED ever since!!! Your unique take on each show and hilarious commentary keeps me laughing out loud at the computer and looking forward to your next installment. I have you bookmarked and will be checking to see if you take on Top Chef. . . if not I will keep checking for PR updates. Thanks for making my evenings so enjoyable!

Joy said...

Love your commentaries and encourage you to do Top Chef next. Yes, please! I've watched all of those and all the Project Runways. The experience was made so much better this time because of YOU! Can't wait for more!

Does this make me a Dust Bunny, too? I hope so. (love the hot photos on your blog, too)

John said...

Great recap...and, as you pointed out in my post, you're right...this really was the most talented group, if not the most colorful personalities (Victorya single-handedly brought this casts' personality points to the ground.)


Anyway, excellent work all year, and I'll miss reading your take every Thursday...keep on doing what you're doing my man

I.M. Notonik said...

Yes, I really LOVE your rendition of the Runway FINALE!! Your writing is very enjoyable to read :-) SMOOCHES!!

Maria said...

The All About Eve reference made this all so wonderfully worthwhile. I am a total Dust Bunny. Although does The Lady Bunny have a squad of similarily named fans living under her bed?

I never knew you trolled the gay bars in Harrisburg - I would alternate nights at the straight and then gay bars in Lancaster and Philly and around there. It is possible I have brushed up against the greatness!

I am disapointed that Mango won, because we were denied a fierce little tantrum when he lost and I am mean like that. I can't wait to read whatever you review next

Soul Reporter said...

Speaking of Top Chef, did you all catch a glimpse of Dale with Jack backstage after the show? They do make a cute couple. Oh, and yay for Christian! His collection was fantastic. The other two were more wearable, but b-o-r-i-n-g. I think it would have been a better finale if Chris would have stayed instead of Rami.

your mother said...

This was such a great recap, I loved every second of it... Although it were many many seconds...

"Carmen (like the opera) Webber (like the musical composer)" *roflmao*

You "delivered"... If you are doing recaps of Top Chef, I'm going to watch it ;o)

Greetz

David Dust said...

Sandbug, Joy, Joh, I.M.N. -

Thanks you darlings! And yes Joy - you (and the rest of you fierce bitches!) are official Dust Bunnies. Now check back often, and comment MORE often!! That's an order from your fearless leader!

Maria - we probably DID brush up against each other at some point (especially if you were between ME and THE BARTENDER. I used to hit up the Tally Ho in Lancaster every once and awhile - and back in the day we always did Woody's in Philly. Welcome dear! And don't worry about Lady Bunny, her followers are known as ... "Crackheads". :) Love you Bun-Bun!

Soul Reporter - yeah, Dale & Jack are supposedly dating. My Mother (not "Your Mother") always told me if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all (which I usually ignore) - but I'm not saying SHIT about those two...not my faves.

And YES bitches...I WILL be recapping Top Chef. PRAY for Gay Drama!!!

Britta Coleman said...

I'm SO glad you'll post on Top Chef! Can't wait for the new season. From the previews it looks like they've found clones of last season...right down to Dale's fauxhawk. Hopefully we'll have some newly twisted personalities. And dishes that make Tom gag.

Completely agree about the Mopsweater. I didn't realize the inspirational Argonaut painting featured home cleaning equipment. Who knew?

Love your writing!

pk fairaday said...

Hey- I hope you don't mind if I give your recap a shout-out in my blog- I think my "2 readers" would enjoy your insights! PK

David Dust said...

PK - the more the merrier! I'm like the Statue of Liberty...give me your poor, your tired, your hot tranny messes yearning to breath free!

David Dust said...

Britta - thanks dear! And you are right - how did Jillian get from Master Of The Argonauts to Fantastik and Windex????

Kathy said...

Thank God that hot tranny mess is finally over! You should definitely recap Top Chef. I'm contemplating it, but I fear there won't be enough to Photoshop...lol

BigSis said...

Oh how sorry I am to have just found your Blog at the END of the PR season, but oh, how HAPPY I am to have found it at all..."You had me at MangO!" Channeling my fav new diva, "Your awesomeness is FIERCE!" Can't wait to read your TC recaps; I am officially hooked!

The Jerc said...

wonderful finale blog, David--loved it! and loooooved that Christian/Mango took the crown. I so hope that you continue with Top Chef. I'll be sure to check back regularly. keep up the good work :)

David Dust said...

Kathy - I know this wasn't your favorite season of Project Runway - thanks for making it just a little more fun.

Bigsis - welcome to the land of the Dust Bunnies!

Dearest the jerc - thanks for your comments and encouragement. Stay tunes for Top Chef!

Polgarra said...

I read many of these re-caps and I enjoyed yours quite a bit. Please do recap Top Chef.

I am glad that someone else like Mango. I really thought he was going to annoy me but after a few episodes I saw him more like a little brother. Annoying, Yes, do you love them all the same , yes.

Anonymous said...

I read all the recaps and blogs on PR and you are the funniest! I'm a TC fan also and your blog could make the next season great. Please say you will --

Frances said...

I'm proud to be an official Dust Bunny! Thanks for the PR finale recap. More than a week later, I'm still choked up at lil Mango's tears at the end. ohhh, yes, he's uber-fierce! He nicely rounds out a hat-trick also including Uncle Tim and Daniel Vosovic as the lovelies I'd like to keep stashed in my apartment. :-)

life of chike said...

David,
Did you see the SNL skit where Amy Poehlar played Mango? They could have used a few of your insights, though the use of "fierce," "hot mess," and "tranny" were in abundance. Almost made me want to start watching SNL again.

Once again great recap. I look forward to Top Chef."

c.

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