Last week on RuPaul’s Drag Race, the girls were asked to skank-it-up in a club and in the streets. Sahara was the winner and received immunity, and Miss Nicole Paige Brooks was sent back to
for not bringing sexy back. Or bringing sexy FRONT, for that matter. Atlanta
This week, the Dragtestants enter the workspace which is set up with a long picnic table. Morgan immediately states that “something is going in my mouth”. I’m going to take the high road and assume she is referring to food, but I wouldn’t be surprised if when Morgan wakes up she looks in the mirror and recites “Something is going in my mouth today!”. It is her personal mantra and life’s philosophy.
RuPaul arrives in his best good-ole-boy country duds, and tells the girls to “sit a spell” around the table. They are having an eating contest, and Raven immediately makes stank comments about how the big-girl Mystique will win.
RuPaul tell the girls they will be playing a game called “Chicken or What?” [Note: this is NOT the “Chicken or What?” traditionally played at NAMBLA conventions]. Everyone is blindfolded, and they must taste three items and determine if the food they have been given is chicken or something else (“what”). Yes, this is Fear Factor with false eyelashes and tucked peens.
Much to the dismay of the dragtestants, the three items they taste are all “whats” (bull balls, soy “chicken”, and frog’s legs). The contest ends in a three-way tie, so Morgan, Mystique and Pandora will have a chow-off. The first two to finish will be the winners.
Mystique is NOT about to lose this to a bunch of skinny girls, and she kills the competition. Mystique looks like me at Arby's - a whirlwind of mystery meat, chewing, and groans of satisfaction – all washed down with Diet Coke. Natch.
It’s down to Pandora and Morgan for the other winning spot, and Morgan wins, even though she ralphs up cow brains at one point. “Something is going in AND OUT of my mouth today!”…
The Dragtestants split into two teams – and winners Morgan and Mystique will be the team captains. Ru explains that this week’s main challenge will be to film a CoUNTry commercial for “Disco Extra-Greasy Shortening”. Let’s just hope they don’t take it in THIS direction…
FYI – that’s a REAL album cover from the gay 70’s. I love my people.
The teams break down like this:
Team Mystique: Mystique, Jessica, Pandora, Jujubee, and Tatiana.
Team Morgan (“AKA “The Skinny Stank Ho’s): Morgan,
Sahara, Raven, Sonique and Tyra.
The girls are given two scripts – one focused on chicken, and the other on fish. The characters are the same, but the scripts are slightly different for each team.
The teams immediately determine who will play what. There is the daughter, the aunt, Grandma, the baby, and the mascot of the brand - “Disco Critter”, which is a chicken. I think.
Team captain Mystique assigns Jessica the role of Disco Critter, because of Jessica’s limited English and because the role doesn’t require interaction with the other performers. Jessica just has to learn her lines, say them, and everything with be just
However, Jessica soon learns that while she might not have to interact with the other queens, she still has a lot to say. “Da Cheeken talk A
LOT!”, she states (coincidentally, this is also a common complaint at NAMBLA conventions). Then Jessica proceeds to recite her lines in a voice that could best be described as “Puerto Rican Tweety Bird meets Serial Killer by way of The Exorcist”.
RuPaul visits, and asks Team Morgan for an impromptu dialogue reading. Morgan,
Sahara, Raven, Sonique and Tyra seem to have their lines memorized and do well. Over at Team Mystique, however, their “table-read” was one big hot Tranny EXTRA-CRISPY mess.
Ru tells everyone to gather around, and gives them some good news and some bad news. The good news is that funny lady Kathy Najimy will be helping them film their commercials. The bad news is that the teams must SWAP scripts – and learn a new set of lines. “That’s showbiz”, RuPaul explains.
After learning their new lines, it’s time for the commercial taping. First up is Team Mystique. The opening monologue is delivered by the “Disco Critter”, so Jessica Wild prepares to do her thing. As she gets into character, Jessica says that “I’m going to feel like a ‘Pollo’”. Then “El Pollo Loco” proceeds to deliver her lines. Her accent is so thick that Kathy Najimy thinks Jessica is saying “Home-fried MALE” as opposed to “Home-fried MEAL”. Kathy whispers to RuPaul that she thought Jessica “was going to fry up a BOY!”. Again, people are confusing drag with NAMBLA.
Kathy is a tough director, and keeps yelling “CUT!” to give advice. She gets particularly upset with Mystique, who doesn’t seem to take direction well. Perhaps Mystique has a touch of indigestion from the fried food buffet she was required to devour earlier in the day. Did ya ever think of THAT, madam director!?
It’s time for Team Morgan to tape their commercial, and the first person we see is Raven portraying the “Disco Critter”. I never thought a chicken could be quite so creepy…
Kathy keeps reminding Raven that this ain’t Sophie’s Choice and Raven ain’t Meryl Streep. She is a drag queen in a chicken suit doing a fake commercial on a reality show on Logo. Savor the glamour...
Miss Najimy loves Tyra (playing the baby with a deep voice), but she has some issues with raunchy Morgan. Question: since when is putting shortening in your crotch considered “crude”? But maybe they were saying “lube”, my notes aren’t clear…
Anywhore, they finish the tapings, cocktails are had, and RuPaul tells everyone to bring their finest country fashions tomorrow to the runway – because none other than Miss Tanya Tucker will be a guest judge. Upon hearing this, Morgan gets excited because Tanya’s “fashion is fierce”. Really?...
It’s Runway Day, and the girls put on their country finest, while RuPaul makes her grand entrance. RuPaul shows Miss Tucker and the other girls how “Chicken Couture” is supposed to be done…
It’s like Big Bird and Pink had a baby, by way of surrogate mother Diana Ross.
Gentlemen, start your engines. And the show begins.
The thing that stood out most on the runway was the fact that Mystique did NOT dress “country”. Everyone else was giving us “down-on-the-farm” realness, yet Mystique (below right) gave us “Happy Hour at Applebees”.
The commercials are shown, and the Disco Critter characters are the ones who are most different. It was definitely El Pollo Loco vs. Big Jokerbird.
The judges discuss with the Dragtestants. Jessica said she loved her character, because “I love dey MOPPETS!”. I’m assuming she meant “Muppets”, but I’m not as familiar with Puerto Rican chicken drag as I should be.
The judges ask Mystique why she didn’t dress “country” – to which Mystique replied she was doing “mall-wear country” (AKA “Applebees in Alabama"). Translation: “I didn’t bring any denim and Lady Stetson gives me hives”.
Finally, the judges loved Tyra’s runway show (she gave us three different looks) and they liked her portrayal of Babyface Finster during the commercial…
The judges deliberate, while the girls go backstage to chug Absolute and hate on
the fat girl each other.
Time for the results. Sonique, Juju, Morgan, Tatianna, and
Sahara were already announced to be safe.
Pandora and Jessica are also safe – and Tyra is the winner. She will have immunity next week.
This leaves Raven and Mystique to lip synch for their lives to a Wynonna Judd tune. It is obvious that Raven is the better performer and will remain – and Mystique is told to sashay away.
But before Mystique could sashay ALL THE WAY away, she gave us one last taste of her thunder…
Proving, once again, that big girls can still drop it like it's hot ... even when it's heavy.