The show opened with Sweet P thanking the fashion gods that she dodged a bullet – yet AGAIN – and remained in the competition. Chris informs us how everyone is freaking out (except him, of course) because this is the last challenge. And Rami tells us how being a fashion designer has been a dream of his since he was a 5-year-old dodging bullets in Jerusalem. Rami put on his tightest pretentious panties this morning - today it was all about him and his “talent”.
On to the runway for the challenge. Heidi is rocking a very 80’s look – off the shoulder dress, big belt, and huge hoop earrings. I was waiting for her to bust out into a Jody Watley medley – but Mrs. Seal is NOT “looking for a new love, baby”. Heidi starts the model selection – and I start on my 2nd pint of Tranny Ice Cream. Mmmmm…..tastes like Lady Bunny!
Heidi informs the designers what they already know – 2 of them will be going home, and 3 of them will go to Bryant Park. She tells them that they are going on one final field trip and will be meeting Tim at 82nd Street and 5th Avenue in Manhattan’s Upper East Side.
The next scene shows the designers walking toward their destination, and wondering where it is they could be going. This is ridiculous on a couple of levels. First of all, there is NOTHING at 82nd and 5th besides the Metropolitan Museum of Art. Chris, for one, has lived in NYC for years – so I’m sure he knew exactly where they were going. The other piece of ridiculousness was the fact that the Met is a couple of miles from Parsons, so they obviously transported the designers to within a few blocks and made them walk the rest of the way – for effect and to kill time. Fake!
Tim welcomes them to the museum with a little speech that begins with “Throughout time…” OMG, this totally sounds like the Art History class I dropped at Penn State because it was so boring! I nod off to sleep for a moment (just like in Art History class), and when I awake, Tim tells the designers what the deal is. They will be choosing a work of art to use as inspiration for a look of their choice.
Since the Met is so huge, and has 5000 years worth of art, they are limited to the following 3 galleries:
● Greek and Roman sculpture courtyard (which is fabulous, btw)
● European painting wing (more fabulous)
● Temple of Dendur (OMG – I need to change my underwear fabulous!)
All the designers talk about how privileged they feel about being able to view this art all by themselves (except for the producers, and the camera people, and the sound guy, and the lighting department, and security, and hair/makeup, and Rami’s pretentiousness). As a frequent visitor to the Met, I'm sure it's better than jostling with tourists from Tokyo for a glimpse at a Van Gogh. The designers are given cameras and 45 minutes to take pictures.
They start in the Greek and Roman sculpture gallery, and Chris chuckles that Rami is totally going to do a Grecian draped SOMETHING. Duh! Rami finds a statue of Aphrodite – who he describes as his soul mate – and says he’s finally “met his match”. Pretentious much?!? Yes, some people have a big brother or sister, or a colleague, or parent that they look up to. Rami has to go MUCH higher than that – he has to get to Mount Olympus before he meets anyone on his level. Me, I identify with that goddess from Maryland – Ferosha Coutura, goddess of hairspray. And I sacrifice a little of the ozone layer each morning in her honor.
On to the European gallery. Mango/Christian likes a Spanish painting of a man and his dog (“hombre y perro”?), and Chris is looking at all the frilly 18th century extravaganza gowns represented in all the paintings and making funny moans and groans. I think he’ll need to change HIS underwear when they get back to Parsons.
Finally, they come to the Temple of Dendur. This is truly a spectacular site. It is a real Egyptian temple which was removed from Egypt and reassembled at the museum. The Met built a HUGE atrium-like room and set up the temple inside, just as it was in Egypt. Chris makes a joke about seeing Joan Rivers carved initials in the stone from when she was a little girl. Here is a picture (she was going by her maiden name then – and she even included the date):
Chris gives us a signature loud cackle at his own joke, and practically knocks the temple down from the vibrations. At the other end of the volume spectrum, Mumbles Monotone (aka Jillian) is walking around in her normal medication-induced haze. “Mumble, mumble … spiritual … mumble, mumble … inspirational … mumble, mumble … experience ...”.
Back in the workroom, the designers look over their pictures and select one for their inspiration. Tim tells them they have $300 (at Mood – not Spandex House – damn!) and 2 days to complete this final look.
Mango begins to sketch a feminine version of his Zorro-esque 17th century Spanish painting. Chris has selected a portrait of a French drag queen, er, noblewoman. Jillian is trying to go military edgy by choosing “Master of the Argonauts”, a 15th century painting. And dear Sweet P has selected a 17th century painting titled “Peacocks” – which scares the shit out of me. Let’s hope her final look doesn’t resemble any of these:
Rami is draping away – communing with his soul mate (and soul sister) Aphrodite. He tells us that there is no shame in his game – he’s gonna do what he do. And what he do is draping. He is extremely “passionate about draping”. I’m passionate about Tranny Ice Cream – I wonder if the deli will deliver some more…
Off to Mood. Chris is cracking himself up (again), Mango is grabbing organza (again), and Sweet P is listing purple, teal, and rusty red as the colors she is working with (yikes!). Thank you Mood!
Back in the workroom, Rami has noticed that everyone else is “over designing” in order to make it to Fashion Week. On the other hand, Rami (with some help from Aphrodite) is under-designing – and doing what he do – draping. “I’m not here to make noise, I’m here to make beautiful work”. He’s passionate about draping, you know.
Mango has created a 27-piece ensemble, and Jillian wonders if he’s making an outfit, or a whole collection. Mango is quick on the sewing machine, and is practically finished. This gives him the opportunity to try on all his clothes, do a little runway show, and pronounce everything “fierce”.
He also has time to rag on Jillian, who is NEVER ahead of the game (it’s the medication). She gives it right back to him, which shocks little Mango. “Ew, don’t get bitchy!”, Mango replies. “I won’t say anything around you anymore – I’m so over it”, he tells Jillian. “I’m over it too” Jillian mumbles. Mother Chris says they should all stop fighting. The children go home and get put to bed.
The next day, they enter the workroom, and Chris greets his creation. “Look at her waiting for me today!” he says (in a Eurotrash accent). His dress is VERY similar to the ORGANZA creation that he and Mango (“Team Fierce”) won the couture challenge with. However, it’s not quite as fierce as the original. I guess we’ll call it “Team Kinda Fierce”. Mango notices the similarity also – but calls this dress “costumy and over-the-top” – UNLIKE their original ORGANZA creation, of course.
Sweet P tells us how, in real life, her fashion business is going under, and how much she needs to win Project Runway – because she’s broke. Somehow I don’t think “I need the money” will inspire the judges to pick her to win.
The models come in for a fitting – all of them except Lee (Sweet P’s model). Lee has some kind of family emergency, so Sweet P plays with fabric and quietly freaks out, while the other designers do what they do.
Jillian: “Mumble, mumble … I’m not a fast mover … mumble, mumble … still a lot for me to do … mumble, mumble …”. Then she plays with her bangs. She ALWAYS plays with her bangs. In fact, if she spent as much time sewing as she does adjusting her bangs, she might be able to get something done.
Tim announces a ‘special guest’ – which, as we all know, could go either way. They could either be “special” (Sarah Jessica Parker), or they could just be a guest (Tiki Barber’s wife). It turns out to be the latter – Collier Strong, the L’Oreal makeup queen. Collier gives each designer a consultation, and Bravo gives L’Oreal a 10 minute commercial.
After all of this, Chris decides he is done (meanwhile, Sweet P hasn’t even fit her garment on her model yet). Big Chris is tired, so he finds a couch and passes out – complete with loud snoring. Mango is flabbergasted. “Are you joking? It’s the last challenge! You can’t take a nap!”, he says in an interview. Mango always finishes early, but spends HIS extra time hairspraying his hair and ragging on Jillian for being so slow – NOT sleeping.
Mango goes on to tell us about his past. After high school, he moved to Europe and worked with Alexander McQueen and Vivienne Westwood. And even though he is the youngest designer on the show, he has the “most cohesive ideas” of all the designers. Now Mango is a cocky little bitch – but I have to say I think he might be right.
Tim comes in for some critiquing, and immediately asks – “What happened to Andrae, er, Chris?”. Mango immediate tattles – telling Tim that Chris is done and is in the other room sleeping. This proves that although our little elf may have cohesive ideas, he still never matured past the first grade.
Schoolmarm Tim wakes Chris up with a fuss – “why aren’t you in the workroom?!?”. “Because I’m done”, he replies. “No one’s done!” Tim says sharply, and marches Chris back to the workroom for inspection of the garment.
“I don’t think it’s refined enough”, Tim decides. He wants Chris to add some stuff – to which Chris replies with a stern “No!”. Bitches can be testy when they first wake up. Tim basically says – ok bitch, but this is on you. Tim is worried.
On to Mango. Tim loves the white blouse, which Mango informs looks fierce on him. Note to Mango – it’s supposed to look fierce on your MODEL – not you. Just saying.
Tim is looking at Mango’s various pieces with a puzzled look, and proceeds to use the word “obfuscation”. Now listen, I took 4 years of Latin in high school, I kicked ass on the verbal section of my SAT’s, and I graduated from Penn State. But even I had to look up “obfuscation”. It comes from the word “obfuscate”, which means “to confuse, bewilder, or stupefy” or “to make obscure or unclear”. Mango pretended he knew what it meant by replying “I know lady, don’t you worry”. Can you still get paddled for sassing the teacher?!?
Sweet P explains her “peacock” theme – but Tim wants to see feathers (talk about Eva Gabor on Green Acres!) and more peacockery. “Where is that model?” he wonders aloud. Yeah that’s right, rub it in! Poor Sweet P – she doesn’t stand a chance.
Jillian: “mumble, mumble … jacket … mumble, mumble … cut-outs … mumble, mumble … getting late … mumble, mumble … need to finish …”. Tim replies with a “gorgeous”. That was easy.
Tim visits Rami and Aphrodite. “This is stunning” he declares, but then adds that Nina won’t want to see the same old drapery that he’s always sending down the runway. I love how everyone is scared to death of Nina. You never hear Tim say – “Heidi’s going to hate it!”. Nina is the Project Runway bogeywoman. Rami says, unconvincingly, “I’ll think about that”. Yeah, right. Listen Tim, Rami got orders from the gods (and goddesses) themselves that he needed to do a draped dress. After all, he’s passionate about draping.
With two hours remaining until the end of the night, Sweet P’s model finally arrives. Of course, Sweet P hugs her and asks her how she was – and tells her she’s glad Lee is ok. I would have FREAKED OUT on the skinny bitch. This is the FINAL challenge lady! I don’t care if your little sister ate your gerbil, I NEED YOU HERE! But I’m a bitch…
It’s now runway day – and we get our last peek at shirtless beefcake – one final shot of Rami in a towel (draped PERFECTLY around his body, of course). Mango is worried about his final runway hairstyle – not on his model, but on HIS OWN asymmetrical head. “Oh my God, I have to look amazing” he declares, while making sure his hair is “extra fierce”. Ferosha Coutura sprays the holy AquaNet until everything is stiff as a board.
Back at Parsons, Tim gives everybody their final “Make It Work!” pep talk. “Blow the judges socks off” he advises. He wants the designers to “give them that electric jolt that sends Nina’s shoes flying!” He HATES Nina – and obviously wants her electrocuted.
Sweet P immediately proceeds to the sewing room to finish up. She obviously went to the Clusterfuckery Fashion Institute (CFI), where they teach you how to scramble around at the last minute to create a garment that’s ALMOST horrible, but not quite disgusting. Sweet P’s model starts doing some weird voodoo hand motions – declaring she is sending her “confidence and peace”. Right now The P needs a miracle and some bourbon (and a real seamstress), not confidence and peace.
Chris is happy with his final look, Mango is instructing the makeup people to give his model “eyebrows for days”, and Rami is giving his model runway lessons – complete with sashay and hand on the hip. Or maybe that was Aphrodite…
Jillian: “Mumble, mumble … cramming … mumble, mumble … fuck … mumble, mumble … steamer not working … mumble, mumble … stand still …”.
Sweet P’s model has feathers in her hair (oh God!). Chris reminds her to snip off some stray threads at the bottom of her dress (she failed Snipping 101 at CFI). She finishes with mere minutes to go.
On to the runway show. Heidi reminds everyone that 2 of them will be out, and introduces them to the guest judge – designer Roberto Cavalli. She describes him as “legendary” – which really means “ancient”. He looks like a leather bag with hair.
Chris’s (“Team Fierce Minus Mango”) look comes out first. He describes it as “Couture Cinderella” – it looks more like “ORGANZA light”, or “Team Fierce on a Budget”.
Mango is next. There is A LOT going on – I hope is doesn’t obfuscate Nina.
Rami’s draped dress comes down the runway. “I’m passionate about draping”. WE KNOW! Zzzzzzzzzzzzz. Sorry, all that Tranny Ice Cream has made me sleepy.
Sweet Peacock is next. Buh-bye honey.
Jillian’s jacket with a gold lame dress underneath comes down the runway. Not bad.
Judges do their judging. Mango did a play on masculine/feminine. Roberto Cavalli likes it (I THINK so anyway, he mumbles worse than Jillian – with an ACCENT!). Michael Kors thinks it’s “Super Super Super Chic”. That’s 3 Supers, for those of you who are keeping score at home. Mango is SO going to Bryant Park.
Roberto Cavalli tells Chris that his look was the “most artistic” (or was that "autistic"?) – and can picture him doing Haute Couture in Paris. Chris gets a woody. But Michael Kors and Nina have seen this dress before – they want to see something different. Chris loses said woody.
They all seemed to like Jillian’s patented military jacket (why didn’t they bitch at her for sending out another jacket?!?). Roberto Cavalli offers her a job, or maybe asks for a blowjob….I can’t tell, his accent is SO THICK!
Sweet Peacock’s look is cute – but it doesn’t electrocute Nina – so she’s probably going home.
Rami is passionate about draping. The judges think it’s predictable. Nina wants to see him “out of this box” to which Rami/Aphrodite replies snottily – “OK!”. Listen Nina – he’s dealing directly with the gods on this – so butt out!
Commercial break featuring Santino in his Saturn. Ewww.
Time for the results. Heidi declares that this has been a tough decision.
Mango is the winner! He is going to Fashion Week! Rami looks like he wants to die of barfness. Mango does a victory sashay back to the green room, full of snapping and declarations of “Work!”.
Jillian is in! “Mumble, mumble … really? …mumble, mumble … thank you … mumble, mumble … I learned a lot …”. She and Mango hug and jump up and down backstage.
Now for the sad part. Sweet P is going home. She cries, but believes “what’s supposed to happen will happen”. Heidi is sad to see her go, and so am I.
Now it’s down to Rami and Chris…
Chris is In! But so is Rami! HEIDISAYWHAT?!?
Heidi explains that the judges were deadlocked, so they are BOTH going to create collections. Chris gets his woody back. Heidi tells them not to get too excited – only ONE of them will actually show (Chris loses said woody - again). They will each present the judges with 3 looks from their final collections. The designer with the best 3 looks with be the third finalist.
Rami and Chris go backstage and explain to the others what happened. Sweet P congratulates them, telling them they deserved it. A visibly emotional Tim hugs Sweet P and tells her “We love you”. And we do.
Sweet P cries while telling us how much she really wanted to go to Bryant Park. She even made ME tear up. The reality of the situation is that she DOES show in the tents (along with the other 4), but her’s is a “decoy” collection – so we don’t know who the actual 3 finalists are. And it’s a pretty cute collection – so don’t cry Sweet P, you made it to Bryant Park after all.
Next week – the reunion show – where Heidi rips on SourFace Victorya. I can’t wait. Till then bitches!