RuPaul's Drag Race Ep. 1 - "It's CURTAINS For You!"

Oh YES darling Dust Bunnies – RuPaul's Drag Race is back, and so are my recaps.  So … Gentlemen (and Ladies) … START.YOUR.ENGINES…


FYI:  You can watch Episode One in its entirety HERE.  Then come back and read my recap...

Let’s begin with some general information.  Logo has upped the biatch budget a bit, so this season we start off with 12 girls as opposed to 9.  Also, after each RPDR episode, there is a half-hour behind-the-scenes “Untucked” show – which reveals all the backstage bitchiness we love so much.  I won’t be recapping Untucked per se, but I will try to incorporate some of the backstage backbiting into my regular recap.

As in most reality competitions, the show begins with the cast arriving one-by-one.  We meet Nicole Paige Brooks of Atlanta, deep-voiced Raven, “fabulous Asian girl” Jujubee, and Sahara Davenport – our queen from NYC.

We also meet Shangela – who has been doing drag for only 5 months and went to college with Sahara.  BTW – I think “Shangela” is the hottest name since “Solange”.  If my future husband Franky G (below) ever gets me pregnant, we're naming the baby “Shangela Dust G”.  Girl or boy.

 ... [drool]…

Anywhore, Morgan keeps talking about how pretty she is, but all I see is a mouth that’s the size of the Holland Tunnel …

Mystique is this season’s “big girl”, and her boobies have names: “Cheeseburger” for righty, and “Taco Bell” for lefty.  FYI: I calls mines “Laverne” and “Shirley”.

Finally we meet Puerto Rican mami Jessica Wild, pretty girls Tyra Sanchez and Tatianna, Kathy Griffin look-alike Pandora Boxx, and Sonique – whose parents put her in military school to become a soldier.  They got a soldier alright – a la Destiny’s Child…

It’s so funny watching the Dragtestants eying up the competition as each one arrives.  Unlike Project Runway or Top Chef, these queens’s “product” is literally painted on their faces – and they judge each other accordingly.  It would be like requiring the Project Runway Fashiontestants to wear their own garments on the first day, or for the Top Cheftestants to arrive with their best casserole.  Hmmmm … that last one actually sounds like a good idea, Someone get me Padma on the phone!…

The Drag Racers are greeted by a “She-Mail” from RuPaul (“You’ve got to EARN IT, Tina!”), and then Boy Ru greets everyone in person.  The girls seem a little star struck to meet THE “Supermodel of the World”.

Ru tells the girls that they all have the …

Charisma

Uniqueness

Nerve, and

Talent

required to be there.  But do they have “that little something extra”??  I’d say they all definitely have a little something extra – and Puerto Rican Jessica probably has A LOT extra, if you smell what I’m stepping in.

RuPaul talks about the prizes they are competing for … blah blah cosmetics … blah blah Absolute blah blah … and $25,000!  The girls all clap when they hear about the cold hard cash money.  Twenty five g’s can buy a whole lot of Lee Press-on Nails, dontcha know.

RuPaul introduces photographer Mike Ruiz – who will be conducting their first photo shoot.  I have met Mike before, and if I remember correctly he snatched my little digital camera out of my hand, corrected the settings, and handed it back to me after I drunkenly couldn’t figure out how to take his picture.  Yes, I was trying to take a pic of a friggin’ PHOTOGRAPHER, and I was too drunk to work my own camera.  Good times.

Anywhoo, the photoshoot will be inspired by on of Ru’s favorite movies - Gone With The Wind.  The Pit Crew is there, dressed like studly Civil War soldiers (NOT Destiny’s Child soldiers), and the girls are required to straddle the cannon and deal with a VERY strong wind machine while having their picture taken.

As usual, the best thing about the photoshoot is the funny crap that comes out of Ru’s mouth…

To Morgan (after her wig blows off): “Those damn Yankees took EVERYTHING from you!”

To Shangela (while her boobs were becoming exposed): “Chicken cutlets!  Chicken cutlets!”.

To Raven: “War is HELL, but you look GORGEOUS!”.

Everyone gathers back in the workroom, and Ru and Mike enter with trays of cocktails.  This is where I wrote “Love that cocktails play important part of this show” in my notes.  But cocktails and drag queens do go hand in hand – like Macaroni & Cheese or Paris Hilton & Gonorrhea.

RuPaul announces that Raven is the winner of the photoshoot (below), and the girls call it a night and head home.

The next day Ru meets the Dragtestants to give them their main challenge.  She tells them that in Gone With The Wind, Scarlett decided to use curtains to create a fierce outfit – and they will do the same.

There are 12 pairs of curtains hanging in front of them.  Since Raven won the photoshoot, she picks her drapes first.  The other 11 girls will grab and growl the set of curtains they want.  Then they will use this fabric (along with some “used home furnishings”) to create their “Gone With The Window” runway looks.

RuPaul says the word, and the girls go nuts grabbing for curtains.  After drapes have been obtained, the Dragtestants head to the workroom to create their curtain couture.

Shangela makes sure to buddy up to Pandora – because Pandora knows how to sew.  Morgan and Raven seem to be working together (they are friends from Atlanta), but Morgan breaks the sewing machine.  And Big Mystique doesn’t seem to get along with anybody – and spends much of her time complaining that the dress forms and fabric aren’t “plus-size friendly”.  That’s right Girl – they DISCRIMINATE against us big Ho’s!!!  No Justice – No Eats Peace!!!  It’s making me hungry just thinking about the unfairness of it all.

RuPaul channels Tim Gunn and visits the Racers.  Shangela (God I LOVE that name!) is created a “hot gun concoction” with ears of corn for accessories.  The real Tim Gunn just keeled over and DIED.  R.I.P.  You will be missed.

Mystique is trying to create something to cover her big self – so she decides on Pillowcase Couture.  Skinny Morgan – who seems to hate Mystique immediately, says “I think Mystique is a mistake”.  Well I think skinny little drag queens whose mouths are built for quantity and not quality are a mistake!  Ok, I try to stay impartial while recapping … and I realize Mystique seems to have the personality of a Triple Whopper With Cheese, but I have a feeling that Morgan and I are NOT gonna get along this season.  I can tell she is a fatty-hater and, as a fatty, I hate fatty-haters.  There.  I said it.

It’s now Runway Day, and Ru’s entrance is dazzling …

As always, the cameras seem to be covered with Vaseline AND gauze (and maybe some pantyhose for good measure).  After all, RuPaul (and Santino) ain’t getting any younger – so a “soft focus” seems to work best.  

Speaking of Santino, RuPaul introduces the judges:  Santino Rice and Merle Ginsberg are back – and this week’s guest judges are Mike Ruiz and the fabulous Kathy Griffin (below).

The girls walk, the judges gawk (and talk … stank).  Shangela dangles corn, Pandora wears her best Kathy Griffin wig, and Mystique – sensing her queen-sized pillowcase wasn’t cutting it with the judges – decides to do a show-stopping split.

The Dragtestants gather onstage for the results.  Jujubee, Tatiana, Raven, Sonique, Jessica, and Nicole are safe and head backstage for cocktails and bitchery.

This leaves 6 girls onstage.  They seem to likee Morgan (ugh!), Tyra (pretty, but not enough personality), and Pandora.  The judges no likee Mystique, Sahara, and Shangela.  The remaining 6 go backstage for cocktails and bitchery – where Mystique and Morgan almost come to blows punch each other out.

The judges discuss.  RuPaul calls Mystique’s dress “raggedy”.  Furthermore, Ru says Mystique’s split was also raggedy – but at least it was entertaining.  Sahara tried to explain her outfit by talking about her Asian boyfriend and Kathy Griffin was as confused as I was.  “Nothing says Civil War like ‘My Asian Boyfriend’??”, she says.  And Shangela’s dress didn’t have a bust line or a waist, but it did have corn.  So there’s that…

Later, Raven remarks that Shangela “put the maize in her walk”.  I SOOOO wish I'd thought of that.

Time for the results – so the remaining 6 come back onstage.  Tyra is safe and so is Pandora.  And Morgan is the winner. Ugh.

RuPaul tells Mystique that even though her effort was “raggedy”, she is safe.  This leaves college friends Sahara and Shangela to Lip Synch For Their Lives.

I have to say – these two BATTLE IT OUT on the runway.  Dresses and hairpieces fly as they drop, dip and spin in front of the judges.

RuPaul announces the results – Sahara stays, and Shangela-with-the-hot-name is told to “sashay away” … corn and all.

All in all, it was an a-MAIZE-ing first episode.