The Fashion Show Ep. 5 - "Don't Has a Sad, Has a Happee!"

Last time on The Fashion Show, stuff happened but it was two weeks ago and I can’t remember what that stuff was. Hell, at this age I can’t remember what I had for lunch unless I floss my teeth and examine the evidence.

This week on The Fashion NO – Dominique has a sad, and the last episode is slowly starting to come back to me. Dominique had to speak up for her man - the undoubtedly cute but questionably heterosexual David – after he was too wussy to stick up for himself in front of the judges. This made Dominique all …

David thinks Dominique is upset about their teammate Ro going home – not because David probably likes peen more than he likes Dominique.

The usual cheesy note is slipped under the door, instructing the Fashiontestants to report to the swanky Upper East Side.

They arrive at Restaurant Daniel and adorable Eduardo notices that it looks “berry spensive”. That one’s a regular Agatha Christie (by way of Ricky Ricardo), isn’t he?

Inside, Isaac explains that Daniel is the place where upper-crusty rich biatches go to discuss couture and society balls and gigolos and shizz. This week the designers will be creating gowns for a “high society charity ball” for some “out of town” “real clients".

  

The “clients” this week, as we all know, are Bravo’s HouseHo’s – the New Jersey clan and the Orange County branch. I’ve watched the Jersey ones (I really miss Carmela Soprano, what can I say?) – but not the Orange County HouseHos. Question: Are you required to actually BE orange to live in Orange County?? I thought Michael Kor(ange)s grew up in Long Island??

Anyprostitutionwhores, the House of Emerald gets to pick which HouseHos to work with since they won last week – and they choose the Orange chicks. This leaves the House of Nami dealing with the refined ladies of the Garden State. 

The designers meet with their clients for air-kissing, idea swapping, and measurement-taking. The House of Emerald is basically told by the House of Orange County that they would like to be naked – but in a classy way. All fake body parts must be on display at all times – forever and ever. Amen.

The House of Nami, on the other hand – is told what the ladies want covered up. After all, these New Jersey Housewives are the epitome of modesty and class. This is until you mess with their family, then it’s all …

… and …

… and …

DON’T.MESS.WITH.THE.FAMILY.

David, that notorious lover of vajayjays, mentions that Caroline has the same build as his mother. Please don’t be surprised when they find his decomposed (but still adorable) corpse somewhere in the New Jersey marshlands. Calvin is working with Teresa – and even though both are clinically insane, there has been no shouting of “PROSTITUTION WHORE-UH” or table-flipping … yet. Also, neither of them can pronounce “silk charmeuse”, so at least they have something in common.

It’s time for Isaac consultations and Mood Boards. Here is this week’s Mood Board for House of Nami/New Jersey …

Unsurprisingly, the teammates can’t seem to come together about color, design and cohesion – and the ever-perceptive David mentions again that poor Dominique is still upset about Ro leaving. That one really knows how to read women, doesn’t he?

The House of Emerald/Orange County presents THEIR Mood Board to Isaac …

They decide on using gold and champagne tones – because gold is all classy and shizz – like their clients.

The designers go to NotMood for fabric shopping, and then to the workroom to begin creating their masterpieces.

Cesar, who ends up with Ashley as his client, mentions about 5,000 times that Ashley has REAL boobs, and he has to strap those puppies down because real boobs move a lot. Or something. Sorry, not my area of expertise.

Golnessa is paired with Gretchen – who, naturally, wants to show off her (unnatural) boobs. Unfortunately Golnessa doesn’t “drape, cut or sew” very well (according to Cesar), which sounds like a big problem on a show which requires you to drape, cut and sew on the regular.

David remarks (again) that Caroline Manzo is “big-chested” and short. And Dominique mentions (again) how she and David just “get each other” – which is a “distraction”. And, again, she’s all …

Dominique is REALLY going to be upset when David is last spotted on the Manzo family boat off the coast of Long Branch, NJ.

Day One ends and Day Two begins – with client fittings scheduled at 3:00 pm. Jeffrey’s client, Lynne, reacts to his dress by saying “wow” and “I never wore that color before” (not a good sign). Then Lynne demands that he remove most of fabric. Jeffrey agrees, although he privately grumbles about his dress formerly being “modest and elegant” and now it’s, um, NOT.

Gretchen likes her dress so much that she does a little bounce in it, which rips out the side of the gown. Golnessa remarks that either the dress shrunk or Gretchen grew, and decides to add another strip of fabric in order to fix it. When Golnessa’s buddy Cindy sees her Ms. Fixit job, she remarks that it looks like a “side vajayjay”. David, undoubtedly, will be repulsed  THRILLED by this.

Calvin completely finishes not one but TWO dresses for refined lady Teresa – but she can’t decide which one she likes better. On one hand there’s the dress which makes her look like a tramp, and on the other hand there’s the one which makes her look like a tramp from Scores. Scores, for those of you not from around NYC, is a “gentleman’s club” that may or may not be controlled by the Gambino Crime family. What a coinky dink!! Naturally, she picks the Scores dress – family obligations, dontcha know.

Cut to Dominique, who is all …

… because David’s dress is an ugly horrible green (he decided to go with the color of cold hard cash – which he thought Caroline would respond to) and he might be going home. Dominique literally has to leave the room “to get some air” because she is so upset about this. DEAR DANIELLE – HE’S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU. Trust me honey.

Eduardo, with his adorable accent and vast knowledge of gown-making, suggests to David that he cover up that mess with some chiffon and make it look more 'spensive. This improvement might at least buy enough time for David to get out of the metropolitan area before Caroline makes that phone call … “Hey Big Lou, this is Caroline Manzo. Howyoodoin? Listen carefully: We’re gonna need some more concrete for that ‘paving job’ I told you about. Meet me at the usual place and bring the guy with the thing. I’ll call you from the pay phone in a half hour”.

The judges and audience arrives for the show. The lights come up and the House of Emerald shows first. The ladies of Orange County strut their stuff onstage and seem to do a good job. This makes Dominique all like …

Seriously honey, you need to get that checked.

It’s now time for the Real HouseHos of New Joisey to show the plastic orange ladies how it’s done. They perform a Garden State homage to Madonna’s Vogue ("big-haired ladies with an attitude") and actually look pretty fantastic. All of a sudden the House of Emerald is all like …

Time for judging. The House of Emerald/Orange County is up first. The judges seem to likee Cindy’s dress and were impressed with Cesar’s ability to lock down Ashley’s unruly natural boobs. On the other hand, they thought Jeffrey’s original and less hoochie-ish design would have been better. And they REALLY hated the way Golnessa put a side vajayjay on Gretchen. One vajayjay is more than enough, thankyouverymuch.

The House of Nami is up next. The judges no likee Calvin’s and Dominique’s designs – but they do likee David's revamped dress and the gown Eduardo made for Dina...

The House of Nami wins – and Eduardo is the overall winner for the third time. Naturally, a relieved Dominique is all like …

Oy.

The House of Emerald goes back in front of the judges and gets chastised for their “muddled” and “unflattering” color palette – as well as some design issues. Cindy and Cesar are safe, leaving Jeffrey and Golnessa on the bottom.

In the end, it is Golnessa who is “out of fashion” for THIS …

And, unsurprisingly, she is all like …

But I choose to look at the bright side – at least I won’t have to worry about telling Cindy and Golnessa apart anymore. And that makes me all like …