Top Chef Episode Ten - It's The All-Star StupidBowl!

Last week’s episode of Top Chef was the annual “Restaurant Whores” competition. Leah and Hosea won – hands down. Actually, my extremely close personal friend Stefan won, and Radhika went home. I’m kinda pissed I didn’t recap it, because “Restaurant Whores” would have been a funny title. Oh well, there’s always next season.

Speaking of restaurant whores – Hosea and Leah are still being all mopey and regretful about their hookup. As we know, Hosea is no longer with his girlfriend in real life as a result of this indiscretion. “I guess we kissed”, Leah says – which is an extreme understatement. Sort of like me saying “I guess Leah is trampy”.

The Cheftestants enter the Top Chef Kitchen to find Padma and this week’s guest judge Scott Conant. He is some kind of 3-Star New York Times Restaurant General or something. Everyone say’s Scott is big-timey – so who am I to argue?

Padma tells them that in honor of the Super Bowl, the Cheftestants will be doing some kind of “Football Squares” thingy. I don’t know if football squares is a real game or if it’s something that the Top Chef producers just made up – but either way it’s pretty lame.

Basically, the game boils down to the fact that Quaker Oats is the sponsor of this Quickfire. Everybody randomly selects an ingredient (fish, dairy, meat, etc) – and they have to create a dish using their ingredient and Quaker Oats. Why they needed chalk, a chalkboard, cheap-ass electrical tape, cardboard squares and 15 minutes of my time to work this out is beyond me.

Carla is immediately excited because she eats Quaker Oats four times a week. Now we know where she got the phrase “Hootie Hoo!”…

It’s the noise Carla makes on the toilet four times a week.

The Cheftestants have 45 minutes to create their dishes. The winner will not get immunity, but he or she will get an “advantage” in the Elimination Challenge.

Jamie has picked “fruit” – so immediately she decides to do shrimp. Huh?? Again with the shellfish!! “Dis is-a Top Chef, no Top-a Shellfish!”. If this whole Top Chef thing doesn’t work out, Jamie could always work for Mrs. Paul or Red Lobster.


Unlike Jamie, Leah has actually selected seafood – and has decided to do a fish with an oatmeal crust. Hosea has a little chuckle over this, because during the last challenge Leah also cooked fish … extremely badly. Leah also needed Hosea’s help last time “de-boning” the fish. She needed his help “de-boning” later that night as well – but I digress.

I have no idea why Hosea is laughing – he is the one who just stated that he will eat Weiner Schnitzel any day of the week. Hosea likes Weiner!!! Okay, I know it’s pronounced “Veenur” and it’s not a tube-steak, but like a 12-year-old, I think it’s funny. Sue me.

Carla is cooking her oats with her patented “Pasta-Method” – which, for normal people, is called simply “boiling” or “cooking”. But if Carla wants to think she has invented a new way to cook a grain that has been harvested for thousands of years, I am not going to stop her or her Spirit Guides.

Utensils Down – Hands Up, Bitches!!

The dishes are tasted by Scott and Padma. A couple of things become immediately apparent about our guest judge. Chef Scott HATES Fabio for some reason. He literally laughs at Fabio’s eggplant dish – like I laugh at Hosea talking about Weiner Schnitzel (HA HA HA HA HA HA). This does not make our Italian Stallion very happy.

Mr. Conant also seems to love Jamie. Even though Jamie selected “fruit” as her ingredient and immediate thought “Shrimp Cocktail” or some such. Is cocktail sauce considered a fruit??

Anywhoo, Conant LOVES the lesbian and HATES the charismatic Italian guy. We get it Scott, YOU’RE STRAIGHT. Straight guys love Lesbians like gay men love Madonna and Meth – it’s so predictable.

So, naturally, Fabio (along with Leah and Jeff) end up on the bottom. And Jamie (along with Carla and Stefan) end up on top. But Stefan wins (his 5th in a row) – probably because Stefan actually used the ingredient he selected (dairy) as more than a dipping sauce.

Padma tells the Cheftestants to return to the Not-So-Glad-Quaker-Oats-Diet-Dr.-Pepper Storage Room – where they will find a prize. Fabio wonders if the prize is a dog.

A dog?!? This is disturbing on so many levels. If Alpo is the sponsor of the Elimination Challenge, I’m outta here. Either that, or poor Fabio has been waiting to receive a puppy since he was a little Paisano in Italy – and is STILL waiting. Poor baby.

Anwhoo, the “prize” turns out to be football jerseys for the Cheftestants – so they wonder if they will be cooking for NFL players. Leah doesn’t know much about football, but she wouldn’t mind cooking for Tom Brady – because he is “hot”. And by “cooking”, she means “just kissing” like she did with Hosea. Excuse me, I have something in my throat … cough, cough, hack, cough, WHORE, cough, hack, cough...

Ok, I feel better now.

Back in the Top Chef Kitchen, Padma tells the Cheftestants they will be competing against the “Top Chef All-Stars”. And does she ever use the term “All-Star” loosely. We have:

Spike – the Notorious A.S.S.H.A.T.

Andrew – who I referred to last season as Fucky McDouchebag or Douchy McFuckbag, depending on my mood.

Josie – Who is a “Rosie” lesbian, as opposed to a nice, quiet “Ellen” lesbian. Josie is the kind of lesbian that straight guys DON’T like – unless they need backup in a bar fight.

Andrea – That twig-eater from Season One.

Camille – Who???

Nikki – Who Padma introduces as “The Human Pasta Machine”. I feel another coughing fit coming on – excuse me … cough, cough, LOSER, cough, hack, cough…

And, finally, Miguel “Chunk” Morales – the cross-eyed chubby Papi of my dreams. Seriously, Miguel and I would make such beautiful babies together. As long as they got MY eyes…


The Season 5 Cheftestants will each cook head-to-head with one of the “All-Stars”. They will each cook a dish/cuisine representing an NFL team/city. Stefan gets to choose which city he wants, and which “All-Star” he wants to cook against. The rest will “huddle-up” (football metaphor!) and select. Here are the results:

Dallas Cowboys – Stefan vs. Andrea
Miami Dolphins – Jeff vs. Josie
Seattle Seahawks – Hosea vs. Miguel
New York Giants – Leah vs. Nikki
San Francisco 49ers – Jamie vs. Camille (who??)
New Orleans Saints – Carla vs. Andrew
Green Bay Packers – Fabio vs. Spike

Great. So now I’m thinking how much fun this is going to be – because while the “All Stars” may not be great chefs, some of them were extremely annoying and/or entertaining. I mean, come on, Andrew and Spike are here! This will be exciting, right?!? Well … no.

Yes, Andrew does give us some mildly amusing quote regarding murder and water-sports, but where in the HELL was his CULINARY BONER?!? Seriously, Andrew is remembered for exactly two words: “Culinary” and “Boner”. If I were booking Andrew on a show, he would be contractually obligated to say “Culinary Boner” at least 3 times per minute. Yeah, this would get old – but Andrew would get annoying pretty fast anyway. Might as well make him earn his pay.

And Spike. Slimy-ass Spike!! Spike – who looks like he hasn’t worn underwear since 1993!! All he could do was put a football helmet on his head and call Fabio “Fabian”? That’s all you got??? Hell, put the helmet on Andrew’s enormous noggin – at least it’ll be funny watching him (unsuccessfully) try to get it off. Remember last season?

Even our lesbian was off her game. Jamie immediately gets flustered by the challenge, even though she is cooking cuisine from San Francisco, where she lives. And HELLO, this is a FOOTBALL challenge. Don’t lesbians LOVE football?

Oh. According to Josie, who apparently played on a professional women’s football team, only “Rosie lesbians” like football. Sorry Jamie.

Anywhoo, Cheftestants past and present have 2 hours to look through their ingredients and plan a menu. They will cook head-to-head in front of a LIVE STUDIO AUDIENCE! There better be boners, or I’m gonna be mad.

Speaking of boners, Hosea is going up against Miguel, and says “I’m looking for Chunk!”. I need to get a t-shirt with that on it for my next visit to the Bear Bar. And if I could get Miguel/Chunk to look at ME (even with just one of his eyes), I’m sure we would be quite happy together.

Miguel – in Papi Godfather-mode – states that the Season Five Cheftestants will “never outbeat the grandfathers”. He then instructed Hosea to “leave the gun, take the cannolis”, which is another t-shirt I’ve been meaning to buy. Not only is he cute – you will NEVER “outbeat” Miguel. Ever. Keep that in mind.

Fabio, already a little flustered by his poor Quickfire performance, is cooking a dish representing Green Bay, Wisconsin. He knows as much about Green Bay as I know about professional women’s football – NADA. But Fabio is a pro, and even “if dey give me da monkey ass, it’s notta problem.” Again with the monkey ass!?! This man really needs a puppy.

The next morning the Cheftestants arise and prepare for the day. Stefan notices Carla sitting still, eyes closed, on the couch. He asks her what she is doing, and Carla groggily replies “getting centered”. Beeyotch, that is called “taking a nap”, not “getting centered”. Don’t front.

Everyone heads over to the Institute of Culinary Education, where the “Top Chef Bowl” will take place. There is a real-live “studio audience” consisting of some random losers. And by “random losers” I am referring to the Cheftestants that have been kicked to the curb and some other riff raff. Oh look – there’s the PocketGay! Hi Patrick!!!

Padma, dressed unnecessarily in a Referee’s uniform, introduces the judges and the intricate scoring system. There are “touchdowns” and “field goals” and audience-member judges and those great big foam “We’re #1” fingers. It’s all very complicated so I won’t go into it here.

Here's what happens:

Leah beats Nikki. Duh. I could have beat Nikki by simply opening a can of Chef Boy-Ar-Dee, placing the contents in a bowl, and heating it in the microwave.

Hosea "outbeats" Miguel. No points for my Chunkster.

Carla goes up against Fucky McDouchebag Andrew. They are representing New Orleans – which prompts Andrew to speak in an extremely annoying accent which I’m assuming he thinks is “southern”. A culinary boner would have been so much more entertaining. Even with the accent.

Carla is putting some “fast love” into her gumbo – even though she doesn’t know much about football. She sees football as an excuse to eat, which I agree totally with. Of course The Price is Right, The Real Housewives of Anywhere, and any show with a “C.S.I.” in the title are excuses for ME to eat. Carla beats Andrew.

Overconfident Stefan thinks he will easily beat Andrea – who was sent home twice during Season one (I think). He gives her a kiss as they begin, and I bet if there was no counter we would have seen Stefan’s culinary boner. Especially after Andrea announced she likes her food spicy – like her men. In fact, in a one-on-one interview, Stefan says “Andrea – I’m in love with you. Call me”.

Hey, wait a minute, that’s the same thing Stefan says to ME in our emails. It looks like I will have to cut a (vegetarian) bitch – and cut her deep! With a paring knife! Or a potato peeler!!

Anywhoo, Stefan’s enormous Finnish culinary boner gets in his way, and he loses to Andrea. “I got (out)beat by the nuts and grains girl”, Stefan laments. Don’t worry buddy, I’ll take care of her. Now where’s my nutcracker?...

Of course, everyone is happy that Stefan lost – especially The Hose. And Andrew does a pretty funny Stefan accent backstage. Again, why couldn’t he have said “culinary boner” in that funny accent?? You know people, I don’t ask for much!

Next up is Jamie and someone named "Camille". It’s now time for guest judge Scott Conant to get HIS culinary boner while watching Jamie. Straight guys are so gross. Jamie wins, natch.

Jeff is up next. As usual, he has prepared 44 courses, all requiring their own special plates, bowls, serving utensils, wait staff, and zip code. And Jeff has made his own sorbet to cleanse the palette between courses. Because that’s what he always does in his restaurant. Did you know he runs a RESTAURANT in MIAMI? Yeah, me neither – he should mention it more. Bottom line – he gets skunked by big Lezzie Josie.

The team scores are very close at this point, but it doesn’t really make a difference because there isn’t even’ a team prize for the winner. The only thing that matters is that anyone who lost their challenge can be sent home. So far that’s Stefan and Jeff.

Last up is Fabian, er Fabio vs. Spike. Spike wins, but Fabio gets a field goal or some shit so the current season wins the team challenge. They all pretend this matters and I say goodbye to my PapiChunk Miguel. I'm in love with you. Call me!

So that leaves Stefan, Fabio, and Jeff eligible to go home. At this point the show has been on for one hour – but tonight is one of those “Super-Size” 75-minute episodes. Sorry, but I don’t need 15 more minutes to determine that Jeff is going home.

The winners (Carla, Hosea, Jamie, Leah) are called before the judges.

First of all, what in the HELL is up with Jamie’s gold-sequined headband? I know she’s an “Ellen” lesbian, but this is ridonkulous. Guest judge Scott Conant mentions AGAIN that he likes to watch Jamie cook. Pervert.

Secondly, why is Leah standing up there like she just slayed an immortal dragon? She beat NIKKI, for goodness sakes! My Seventh Grade Home Economics Teacher could beat Nikki in a cooking competition. You’re not that fierce Leah – so calm down. Tramp.

Overall, the judges could really “feel the love” in Carla’s gumbo – and she wins. And despite her mental and/or minority status, Carla actually wins a prize this week – a friggin nice prize. TWO TICKETS TO THE SUPERBOWL!

The winners return to the Not-So-Glad Storage Room, and instruct Fabio, Stefan and Jeff to stand before the judges. Again, there is no doubt that Jeff is going home – but evil guest judge Scott wants to mess with Fabio a little more. Chef StraightDouche has issues with Fabio’s meat. HOW.DARE.HE.

Fabio doesn’t take this lying down. “My meat was beautifully pink!”, Fabio insists, and I have to agree. A beautiful, throbbing shade of pulsating pink…

Wait, what was I talking about? Oh, right – Top Chef. Anywhoo, Jeff ends up getting sent back to Miami for “watered-down ceviche”. He blames his “mystery basket” of ingredients, hot beans, plastic plates and global warming – but to no avail.

It’s back to the Dildo Beach Club for you, Pretty Boy! And don’t lie, you horny bitches ALL thought that’s what it said every time this flashed on-screen…

Next week – Eel Wrestling!!!


>P, b.