On last week’s Project Runway, we attempted to get to know 476 different designers in one hour. Emilio won the “Show Us Who You Are As A Designer” challenge, and Christiane became a member of the illustrious “First Designer Sent Home Club” – alongside such Project Runway icons as John Wade, Simone LeBlanc, and Jerry Tam. Yeah, me neither.
This week, it’s morning in
and “bitches be tired” (which is, verbatim, what I wrote in my notes – my Journalism professors would be so proud). Baby Jesus is surprised that he was in the bottom last week, and decides he needs to be more creative with his “gowns”. Leave it to a Queen to refer to all garments/outfits/dresses as “gowns”. What would Jesus do? Make fabulous gowns. New York
Everyone heads to the Runway to meet Heidi and receive this week’s challenge. The Human E-Z Bake Bun-In-The-Oven Machine tells them they are going on a field trip.
The field trip site is a farm which is obviously not in
. The designers slog through the mud and meet Tim Gunn, who is surrounded by models wearing burlap sacks. New York City
That is a “Caption This” post just waiting to happen. Anywhore, Tim informs everyone that this week’s challenge will be to create a party-worthy look out of potato sacks. Furthermore, the models will be the clients this week – and will choose which designer they’d like to work with.
Oh, and the models will wear their looks later to an “Industry Party”. This actually means “Nina Garcia’s interns giving the stank eye to outfits and models in the Marie Claire Conference Room”. VERY fancy.
One-by-one, the models pick designers. For the most part, the models choose the designer they were initially paired with last week. Enter “Alexis” …
“I will DESTROY you”
Model Alexis Morrell Carrington Colby Dexter Rowan Broker was obviously brought on board to increase Dynasty’s ratings shake things up. Alexis decides not to work with Mila (her Episode 1 designer), and instead chooses Sassy Anthony. Mila is upset and throws the side eye at both Anthony and Alexis like a Marie Claire intern glaring at a burlap gown. But later Anthony seems annoyed with Alexis, and describes her as being very “verbal” (AKA, "If she doesn’t stop telling me what she wants Ima hafta roll a Ho")…
After the models/clients choose their designers, Tim announces that they will be shopping at the “Farm Stand” for embellishments. It’s like a cute little Jo-Ann Fabrics store in the middle of a muddy field. The highlight of this segment is when Jonathan Peters pronounces the word “buttons” without any "t's" - “buh-INZ”. Oh no he di’int!
Thank you Mood Farm Stand!
Back in the Workroom, Tim informs everyone that they have until midnight to fancy up their potato sacks. Mila talks stank about Alexis (and, indirectly, Anthony) for being snubbed. Anthony, like the lady he is, promptly announces that “Mila can kiss me and my entire family’s asses”. Because proper ladies (and gays) know how to throw proper and dramatic shade …
Tim visits. He is “flabbergasted” at the amount of work that Jay must do. And then he tells Amy and Mila to ignore what their models/clients want – because the results will be ugly. Tim is right – if the judges don’t like the garment, it won’t matter if that 6-foot-tall twenty-something thinks her outfit is “hawt”.
Tim reminds bizarre
Ping that clothing is actually meant to cover the body – especially crucial spots in and around the ‘kibbles and bits’ areas.
But the most infuriating interaction was Tim’s consultation with Baby Jesus.
Jesus and his "Gown"
Jesus is creating his “gown” by covering up 100% of the burlap potato sack with fabulous ribbons (What would Jesus do? … Cover that crap up with shiny shiny … that’s what). Tim informs Jesus that he has “skirted the challenge” (ba dum BUM) because the potato sack shouldn’t be an undergarment – it should be THE garment. Jesus nods, but later says “I have to be Jesus”, and that he will simply instruct his model to “sell it” on the runway. Project Runway Golden Rule Number One: DON’T IGNORE TIM GUNN’S SUGGESTIONS. I guess Baby Jesus isn’t familiar with the Golden Rule.
The models come in for a fitting, and Mila realizes that Alexis dissing her was a good thing – because Mila and her new model/client are on the same page. Alexis, meanwhile, can be heard demanding blue buttons (pronounced correctly, btw) for her party dress … and a bottle of expensive
. IMMEDIATELY!!! Champagne
Commercial Break. The good thing about Project Runway not being on Bravo is that I don’t have to watch hundreds of promos for that ridiculous Millionaire Matchmaker show with Patti Stanker (incorrect spelling – but appropriate). However, I think the 1,478 commercials for the Lifetime original movie The Pregnancy Pact (based on a true story!) might just be worse.
It’s runway day, and Tim Gunn comes in to pay the bills (mentioning the Avon makeup room, the Pert Plus hair salon, and the Claire’s accessories wall). It’s a mad fashion scramble as the designers try to finish up.
Jonathan, who earlier in the morning pondered the important issue of whether he should wear shoes or boots on Runway Day, notices that
Ping’s garment isn’t functional. And by “not functional”, he means “the model’s rump roast is on display!”. But weird Ping seems thrilled with the results, so Jonathan stops worrying about her and starts contemplating more important issues - like whether or not the jeans he is wearing make his butt look big.
Speaking of big asses, Anthony notices that Pamela’s model’s bootay looked “HUGE” in her garment. Baby Got (Potato Sack) Back.
On to the Runway, where Heidi introduces us to the judges. Michael Kor(ange)s, Nina Garcia, and the fabulous model/actress/adventurer (?) Lauren Hutton. Diva!!
Let’s start the show. Many of the looks are great, but some are BURNING hot messes.
Ping’s garment seems to have been created to showcase her model’s bare butt like a rectangular proscenium stage. Let’s call it Grauman’s Chinese Booty Theatre.
Pamela too has ass issues. Specifically, Pamela’s Nicole Richie-sized model now has a Rosie O’Donnell-sized butt.
After the show, Heidi tells the “safe” designers to head backstage – leaving Jay, Pamela, Mila, Ping, Jesus and Amy.
Jay: Lauren Hutton – Jay made burlap look expensive. Lauren Hutton, by the way, is/was a FABULOUS judge.
Mila: Heidi loves it because it’s short, tight, and shiny - all of the requirements for a Heidi love-fest. Michael Kors – Mila made burlap hot and edgy.
Amy: Michael Kors – Amy didn’t hide the burlap, but transformed it into something flirty and feminine.
The judges NO likee:
Pamela: Michael Kors - Although the dye job is “beautifully done”, a real potato sack might be more flattering.
Jesus: Nina Garcia - After two weeks of brown drab, Jesus’ looks need to be “cooler and younger”. BTW, Jesus is personally wearing a light-colored bow tie, which is neither “cool” nor “young”. A keen eye like Nina's is why she has been the Fashion Director of every magazine except Car And Driver. Michael Kors – the design of the dress made the model’s butt (AGAIN with the butt!) asymmetrical. This is also known as “ASSymmetry” and is extremely important in fashion.
The judges judge, and the results are in…
Amy is safe – although I thought she was going to win. Her “gown” was fierce. Mila is also safe – and Jay is the winner for his light and feathery effort …
This leaves Ping, Jesus, and Pamela…
Jesus is safe. ????????????????????????????????????????????
Pamela is sent home for this…
Personally, I think the person who didn’t properly cover her model (
Ping), or the person who ignored Tim’s instructions (Jesus) should have been sent home – but what do I know?
Next week: It’s a “Cotillion Party From Hell!”. Till then, Biatches!!