Friday, January 22, 2010

Project Runway Ep. 2 Recap - "Baby Got (Potato Sack) Back"

On last week’s Project Runway, we attempted to get to know 476 different designers in one hour.  Emilio won the “Show Us Who You Are As A Designer” challenge, and Christiane became a member of the illustrious “First Designer Sent Home Club” – alongside such Project Runway icons as John Wade, Simone LeBlanc, and Jerry Tam.  Yeah, me neither.
This week, it’s morning in New York and “bitches be tired” (which is, verbatim, what I wrote in my notes – my Journalism professors would be so proud).  Baby Jesus is surprised that he was in the bottom last week, and decides he needs to be more creative with his “gowns”.  Leave it to a Queen to refer to all garments/outfits/dresses as “gowns”.  What would Jesus do?  Make fabulous gowns.

Everyone heads to the Runway to meet Heidi and receive this week’s challenge.  The Human E-Z Bake Bun-In-The-Oven Machine tells them they are going on a field trip.

The field trip site is a farm which is obviously not in New York City.  The designers slog through the mud and meet Tim Gunn, who is surrounded by models wearing burlap sacks.

That is a “Caption This” post just waiting to happen.  Anywhore, Tim informs everyone that this week’s challenge will be to create a party-worthy look out of potato sacks.  Furthermore, the models will be the clients this week – and will choose which designer they’d like to work with.

Oh, and the models will wear their looks later to an “Industry Party”.  This actually means “Nina Garcia’s interns giving the stank eye to outfits and models in the Marie Claire Conference Room”.  VERY fancy.

One-by-one, the models pick designers.  For the most part, the models choose the designer they were initially paired with last week.  Enter “Alexis” …

I will DESTROY you”

Model Alexis Morrell Carrington Colby Dexter Rowan Broker was obviously brought on board to increase Dynasty’s ratings  shake things up.  Alexis decides not to work with Mila (her Episode 1 designer), and instead chooses Sassy Anthony.  Mila is upset and throws the side eye at both Anthony and Alexis like a Marie Claire intern glaring at a burlap gown.  But later Anthony seems annoyed with Alexis, and describes her as being very “verbal” (AKA, "If she doesn’t stop telling me what she wants Ima hafta roll a Ho")…

After the models/clients choose their designers, Tim announces that they will be shopping at the “Farm Stand” for embellishments.  It’s like a cute little Jo-Ann Fabrics store in the middle of a muddy field.  The highlight of this segment is when Jonathan Peters pronounces the word “buttons” without any "t's" - “buh-INZ”.  Oh no he di’int!

Thank you Mood Farm Stand!

Back in the Workroom, Tim informs everyone that they have until midnight to fancy up their potato sacks.  Mila talks stank about Alexis (and, indirectly, Anthony) for being snubbed.  Anthony, like the lady he is, promptly announces that “Mila can kiss me and my entire family’s asses”.  Because proper ladies (and gays) know how to throw proper and dramatic shade …

Tim visits.  He is “flabbergasted” at the amount of work that Jay must do.  And then he tells Amy and Mila to ignore what their models/clients want – because the results will be ugly.  Tim is right – if the judges don’t like the garment, it won’t matter if that 6-foot-tall twenty-something thinks her outfit is “hawt”.

Tim reminds bizarre Ping that clothing is actually meant to cover the body – especially crucial spots in and around the ‘kibbles and bits’ areas.

But the most infuriating interaction was Tim’s consultation with Baby Jesus.

Jesus and his "Gown"

Jesus is creating his “gown” by covering up 100% of the burlap potato sack with fabulous ribbons (What would Jesus do? … Cover that crap up with shiny shiny … that’s what).  Tim informs Jesus that he has “skirted the challenge” (ba dum BUM) because the potato sack shouldn’t be an undergarment – it should be THE garment.  Jesus nods, but later says “I have to be Jesus”, and that he will simply instruct his model to “sell it” on the runway.  Project Runway Golden Rule Number One: DON’T IGNORE TIM GUNN’S SUGGESTIONS.  I guess Baby Jesus isn’t familiar with the Golden Rule.

The models come in for a fitting, and Mila realizes that Alexis dissing her was a good thing – because Mila and her new model/client are on the same page.  Alexis, meanwhile, can be heard demanding blue buttons (pronounced correctly, btw) for her party dress … and a bottle of expensive Champagne.  IMMEDIATELY!!!

Commercial Break.  The good thing about Project Runway not being on Bravo is that I don’t have to watch hundreds of promos for that ridiculous Millionaire Matchmaker show with Patti Stanker (incorrect spelling – but appropriate).  However, I think the 1,478 commercials for the Lifetime original movie The Pregnancy Pact (based on a true story!) might just be worse.

It’s runway day, and Tim Gunn comes in to pay the bills (mentioning the Avon makeup room, the Pert Plus hair salon, and the Claire’s accessories wall).  It’s a mad fashion scramble as the designers try to finish up.

Jonathan, who earlier in the morning pondered the important issue of whether he should wear shoes or boots on Runway Day, notices that Ping’s garment isn’t functional.  And by “not functional”, he means “the model’s rump roast is on display!”.  But weird Ping seems thrilled with the results, so Jonathan stops worrying about her and starts contemplating more important issues - like whether or not the jeans he is wearing make his butt look big.

Speaking of big asses, Anthony notices that Pamela’s model’s bootay looked “HUGE” in her garment.  Baby Got (Potato Sack) Back.

On to the Runway, where Heidi introduces us to the judges.  Michael Kor(ange)s, Nina Garcia, and the fabulous model/actress/adventurer (?) Lauren Hutton.  Diva!!

Let’s start the show.  Many of the looks are great, but some are BURNING hot messes.  Ping’s garment seems to have been created to showcase her model’s bare butt like a rectangular proscenium stage.  Let’s call it Grauman’s Chinese Booty Theatre.

Pamela too has ass issues.  Specifically, Pamela’s Nicole Richie-sized model now has a Rosie O’Donnell-sized butt. 

After the show, Heidi tells the “safe” designers to head backstage – leaving Jay, Pamela, Mila, Ping, Jesus and Amy.

They likee:

Jay:  Lauren Hutton – Jay made burlap look expensive.  Lauren Hutton, by the way, is/was a FABULOUS judge.

Mila:  Heidi loves it because it’s short, tight, and shiny - all of the requirements for a Heidi love-fest.  Michael Kors – Mila made burlap hot and edgy.

Amy: Michael Kors – Amy didn’t hide the burlap, but transformed it into something flirty and feminine. 

The judges NO likee:

Pamela: Michael Kors - Although the dye job is “beautifully done”, a real potato sack might be more flattering.

Ping:  All of a sudden, Ping claims to not have understood the instructions  (something about a "County Fair Potato Party - WTF?!?).  But there is a big difference between not understanding the instructions and being from another planet.  Oh, and did I mention that Ping’s garment didn’t cover her model’s HONEY-BAKED HAM?!?

Jesus: Nina Garcia - After two weeks of brown drab, Jesus’ looks need to be “cooler and younger”.  BTW, Jesus is personally wearing a light-colored bow tie, which is neither “cool” nor “young”.  A keen eye like Nina's is why she has been the Fashion Director of every magazine except Car And DriverMichael Kors – the design of the dress made the model’s butt (AGAIN with the butt!) asymmetrical.  This is also known as “ASSymmetry” and is extremely important in fashion.

The judges judge, and the results are in…

Amy is safe – although I thought she was going to win.  Her “gown” was fierce.  Mila is also safe – and Jay is the winner for his light and feathery effort …

This leaves Ping, Jesus, and Pamela…

Ping is in.  ????????????????????????????????????????????

Jesus is safe. ????????????????????????????????????????????

Pamela is sent home for this…

Personally, I think the person who didn’t properly cover her model (Ping), or the person who ignored Tim’s instructions (Jesus) should have been sent home – but what do I know?

Next week: It’s a “Cotillion Party From Hell!”.  Till then, Biatches!!


Guardian Hearts said...

Hilarious! :D San't stop laughing. Great recap David. :)))

MJ said...

Seriously funny recap!!! You are the best.....Arby's must have rejuvenated and revved up your very funny sense of humor....still laughing...thanks!!!

mikeinbama said...

Once again, great recap.... I thought Anthony was going to go' "Bad Girls Club" on Mila. I really wanted Jesus to get drop kicked off the show.

Michael Rivers said...

Ping SO should have gone home. Her design/construction was awful!! I give her 1-2 more episodes before she is gone.

froggy said...

I am a word nerd, I keep a dictionary next to my reading chair, so squeeee I learned a new word today - proscenium - perfect!
And I so agree - Ping, Jesus?! One of them should have come home. otoh, I noted that Ping had her own whack-a-doodle music edit. That's a sign you are going to be around I think.
I look forward to your recap all day.

Kailyn said...

I had thought it would be Ping going home. Next time.

RookieRuggerLSU said...

I was questioning the decision too until I thought about it a bit. In Ping's case, they loved her first garment and see promise and an avant-garde asthetical eye ... For Baby Jesus, at least he didn't something that belongs in WalMart like Pamela did. Thing is, technique can be taught whereas taste cannot be taught.

Laura K said...

Alexis is the one who claims to practice witchcraft...

this week for dinner - jane maynard said...

I am so happy you tweeted me...I've laughed my way right through your post. and I SO agree with your final assessment...or assassment, as the case may be this and jesus, big fat ?????? after them!!!

Psychomom said...

I totally thought of my gays during commercial breaks. It's like a whole nother world on that there channel.

Ping is no Elisa, that's all I gotta say about that.

Great recap!

mistress maddie said...

I love Jay's little number he created! Ping has GOT TO GO next week right? I am so glad PR is entertaining again!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sean said...

I can't believe that no one on the show or you didn't mention once that Ricky invented this challenge 54 years ago on I Love Lucy! I think he could have won the challenge too, top 3 for sure.

Howard said...

Brilliant recap! I felt for sure Ping would be sent home for showing her [model's] ass, but it didn't turn out that way. At least Jesus is cute.

Jennie said...

Fan-freakin'-tastic recap. I laughed HARD and there isn't a lot that makes me laugh right now. Thank you so much!

Elizabeth said...

Yeah, my first thought was the Ricky Ricardo couture trick he and Fred played on Lucy and Ethel in Paris. Maybe Ping thought her abomination should be functional. The big, bucket pockets on the sides were for putting your taters in and the vent in the back was for airing your booty so it wouldn't get too hot while picking the taters.

Marker said...

I . . . I . . . like Ping. Granted this week's "dress" was awful, but you know they picked her for what she brings to the show, so I think she'll be around for a few more weeks at least.

Baby Jesus is already my least favorite. What a stuck-up brat.

theminx said...

I thought Ping was kidding when she was going on about potato parties.

And women, at least us natural-born ones, don't have "kibbles and bits." ;)


Cliff O'Neill said...

Hysterical that it seems that everyone noticed those commercials! Me, I speed past shit and (thankfully) miss it.



Joy said...

I missed out on commenting because I had to watch it Friday night. I thought Ping would go home but decided they are keeping her for entertainment value. At least it's good this season!

Mark in DE said...

"model/actress/adventurer (?) Lauren Hutton"

You just KNOW Miss Hutton put it in her contract that she would be introduced that way!!

eric3000 said...

I was totally trying to figure out how to spell “buh-INZ” but I gave up! Great recap!

Miss Ginger Grant said...

Gurl, I am finallly catching up... first on watching the shows, then on reading your blog!

1. Next time I am in NYC we MUST have pre-Urges cocktails at this "Marie Claire Concerence Room" place... it sounds "fierce!" Is it owned by the same people that own "Marie's Crisis?"

2. I now know how to spell buh-inz!

3. At least the made for TV movie ads change every few weeks after the movie is shown, and we don't have to look at that fat assed Bravo bitch wedged into that too-short dress EVERY week!

4. Finally, on the vote. I think they kept Ping to see where her quirkiness takes her, although her lack of construction skills will kill her in an episode or 3. I think they kept Jesus for his youth, drama, and attitude. And I personally think Pamela should have gone home because her dress looks like it came from the Juniors department at Walmart... where, BTW, she works part-time. On the "couture" aisle, of course!

Love ya, baby! Keep em coming!

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