Project Runway Ep. 1 Recap - "Stacked, Packed, and Ready to Attack"

Yes biatches, it’s time for another season of Project Runway.  The show is back in New York, the designers are back in the Atlas apartments, and all is right with the world.

The fashiontestants arrive, one-by-one.  First we meet Seth Aaron – who wants to be “a fashion icon”.  Not simply “Seth” – but “Seth Aaron, Fashion Icon”.  He has that printed on his business cards, I’m sure.

The second person we meet is Janeane, a nice girl from Portland who is really excited to be in NYC for the first time.  In fact, it’s all a little overwhelming to her and …

 Janeane starts crying!  We’ve only been watching the show for 1 minute, and they’ve already called the Waaaaaaaaaaaambulance!

This is going to be interesting.

We meet Ping Wu, who sounds like a Special Lunch Combination at "King Dong", my favorite Chinese take-out place.  Ping is a Physical Therapist, so I'm not quite sure why she is on a show about fashion designers but I'll try to keep an open mind.

It’s time to get Sassy!!!  Anthony from Atlanta tells us about being black, gay, and ghetto fabulous.  He dreams of working for the Miss USA/Miss Universe organization someday (reach for the stars, Girl!), and it’s obvious that Anthony is quite a character.

If you took a gay Gary Coleman …

And combined him with Suzanne Sugarbaker…

You get yourself an Anthony.

Whatchu talkin' bout, Tim Gunn?!?.

The boys gather in one of the apartments, discussing who should take the one wobbly, broken bed.  They decide to compare their weights – the skinny boys call out how much they weigh (“I’m 145!” - I would SO cut a biatch, BTW) and then everyone looks at Anthony.  “And I’m thirsty”, Anthony replies.  Oh, I like this one…

The other designers are introduced.  Jesse LeNoir (who sounds like a nightclub promoter from Secaucus, NJ) is a former “actor” who worked at Disney.  Here he is in his most famous role…

We also meet Christiane, who spent 21 years in the colorful Ivory Coast – and has recently designed for the red carpet and won “Major Awards” for couture …

Jesus is a 21-year-old sparkly gay from Mexico, and Emilio is a 40-something Papi from NYC.  They immediately agree to talk smack (in Spanish) about the gringos every chance they get.  “Dos Amigos” up in the Casa.  Bet you didn't know I was bilingual and shizz...

Time for the traditional Champagne Toast on the Roof – complete with a folding card table of Champagne glasses (with paper tablecloth), a pregnant Heidi, and a fabulous Tim Gunn.  See, I told you we were back to normal.  Welcome to NYC!

Everyone sips Champagne while they mix and mingle and get to know each other.  We find out that Ben went to school for comic book illustration, and brings that superhero aesthetic to his fashion designs.  Anna studied print-making and is relative new to fashion.  And Emilio has been working in costume design because ain’t nothing going on but the rent.  You got to have a J-O-B, if you live in N-Y-C.  Forealz.

They are told to go and get some rest – and to meet Tim in Central Park in the morning.  Or they can meet him at the Central Park Ramble at midnight (Sorry ... gay joke...JUST KIDDING!)

As the fashiontestants enter the park, they see bolt after bolt of fabric – laying on park benches and hanging on racks.  It looks like a bunch of fabulous gay homeless people just up and left their encampment without taking their festive combination clothing/shelter with them.

Tim explains that their first challenge will be to create a look which represents them as a designer – using whatever homeless fabric they can grab in 3 minutes.  Ready, set … GO!

Emilio remarks that they all acted like “Fat people at an open buffet in Vegas” during this process.  I resemble that comment…

After the 3 minute grab-and-growl, Tim tells them they must edit their fabrics down to 3 choices.  They only have 2 minutes to get this done, and poor Ping can’t seem to figure out how to unfurl fabric off a roll.  I can’t wait to see her with a steam iron.

They proceed back to Parsons and enter the workroom for the first time and set up their workspaces.  Tim announces that they will have until midnight to work – and the winner will receive immunity.

Everyone gets busy.  Seth Aaron is going all “in your face” and “over the top” (he reminds me of Jeffrey from Season 3 - NOT a good thing).  Ping Pong is unconventionally draping her fabric on HERSELF.  I’m telling you, this gal is odd.  She is just one spit mark away from being Crazy Elisa from Season 4.

Little Pocket Jesus has decided to go basic – just your traditional “Mermaid-style evening gown with a chiffon train”.  You know, just like his Abuelita wears to church.  But when Jesus measures his model, she is taller than expected – so he is forced to add some length to the dress.

Tim visits for the first time.  When he gets to Ping Pong, he asks “Are you cold?”, because she is wearing ALL of her fabric.  Ping explains that she doesn’t have a dress form at home, and this is how she rolls (Note to Crazy: you DO have a dress form now - USE IT!).  Tim gives her his patented “Good luck with THAT” face and moves on.

Tim approaches fragile Janeane – who is doing a “little black dress”.  When Tim comments that her fabric shows each and every flaw, Janeane gets a little emotional and …

Yep, she cries AGAIN.  At that point I was hoping Zulema would walk in and give us her famous line…

“I don’t care if you cry and cut, but you have to CRY AND CUT”.

Tim seems concerned about a few of the designers.  Anthony, although entertaining as hell, can't seem to decide what to do.  Tim is dubious about Jesus' lengthened mermaid gown.  And Tim is worried that Emilio isn't going to finish.  Mr. Gunn says goodnight to everyone and leaves for the evening ... and heads back to the Ramble (KIDDING!).

And then Janeane starts crying again...

Something about starting over and being overwhelmed, but at this point I've tuned out Janeane's histrionics.  She's like Ricky from Season 5 - only less feminine and more together...

The next morning the designers have a little bit of time to finish up.  Emilio still hasn't actually put his garment on his model, Anthony is "sweating like a Baptist Preacher", Mila is concerned about Ivory Coast Christiane's lack of sewing skills (although Christiane is "feeling good"), and Janeane seems to be holding it together without Waaaaaaambulance assistance.

Tim comes in to pay the bills (Garnier, L'Oreal Paris, Bluefly) and eventually he gets everyone to the runway.

Baby Machine Heidi comes out looking gorge in green and introduces the judges.  First, we have Michael Kors (who is a lighter shade of orange - tangerine? - since returning to NYC), the lovely Nina Garcia (she's now freelancing for Reader's Digest and Popular Mechanics magazines), and "TV personality" Nicole Richie.  Let's start the show...

Skinny girls walk.  Janeane doesn't cry.  Although I almost did when Ping Pong's model sashayed down the runway.  I like to call Ping's look "Ode To The Mood Remnants Bin"...

WTF?  And then her model did weird kicks, which we later learned Ping told her to do.  Whatevs.

Heidi calls the "safe" fashiontestants and tells them they can go backstage.

This leaves Sassy Anthony, Papi Emilio, Your Own Personal Jesus, "Seth Aaron, Well-Known Fashion Person", Ping Pong, and Christiane NotAmmanpour as the highest and the lowest scorers.

The judges likee:

Seth Aaron - Complete head-to-toe look.

Emilio - Young, youthful, "deceptively simple

Ping - ????????????????????????????????????????????????


The judges no likee:

Anthony - Michael Kors: it looked like he glued a few different dresses together.  And Michael also said his model could steal bottles of booze and hide it in the weird sidecar on Anthony's dress.

Little Baby Jesus - Michael Kors: that dress MIGHT be glamorous in a Las Vegas lounge ... in 1972.  Nina Garcia: It looks like a big chocolate bar (Note to Meana Garzilla: and WTF is wrong with THAT?!?).

Christiane: Ugly fabric, horribly sewn.

Decisions are made, and the designers are called back out.  Ping Pong is safe.  So is Seth Aaron.  Papi Emilio is the winner...

Anthony, Christiane and Jesus remain.  Heidi calls Anthony's name, and he gives her a "WhatchutalkinboutFrauSeal?" routine before rushing off the stage.  Sassy!

This leaves Baby Jesus and Christiane NotAmmanpour.  Jesus is safe (Don't mess with Jesus) - and Christiane is sent home for her poorly-constructed garment ...

Next week:  They go to a farm (?)!  Tim gets upset!  And PING calls the Waaaaaaaaambulance!!!!