Tuesday, October 26, 2010

White Cuties & Hispanic Honeys ONLY!


Alternate Title: Straight Guys Are Weird - Part II


Harlem resident Malik Turner is 40 years old, lives with his Moms and is finding it difficult to meet women for some reason. Turner is tired of the bar scene and doesn't trust internet dating - so he decided to post some extremely specific, hand-written notes on phone booths around the city to drum up interest. This guy is obviously a marketing genius.


Personally, I don't know why meeting women is so difficult for Malik, for the following reasons...

  • He is on a one-man crusade to bring back the fannypack - especially the red and black "INY" version. Sexxxxxaaaaayyy!
  • Malik has a J-O-B working as a Sorter/Bagger for UPS. We're talking HEALTH BENEFITS and 3 'PERSONAL DAYS' PER YEAR here ladies!
  • He is obviously open to meeting a wide range of women, just as long as they are between 21-45 years-old, have long blond or red hair, are big-chested, voluptuous (but NOT FAT), have a gorgeous face and long nails. Also, she must not smoke and must be willing to pay for every other date they go on (NO GOLDDIGGERS). In addition, she must wear mini-skirts and daisy dukes and spiked heels (5-6 inches). Oh ... and she can't be a Tranny but she must be a whore promiscuous. After all, is it wrong for a gentleman to have some vague guidelines for the women he is trying to meet?
  • Also, only the most pristine and desirable ladies can be found in and around NYC's phone booths - so he is definitely targeting the right market.
Possible drawbacks? Malik likes the Mets and the Rangers (LOSERS!) as well as Atlantic City (DEGENERATE GAMBLER!). Oh, and then there's the minor detail of a 40-year-old man living with his Moms ... but I'm sure she's an absolute doll.  After all, Mama raised herself quite a remarkable son.

So ladies ... what are you waiting for??

5 comments:

froggy said...

I noted all the phone tags are still attached...

Lee said...

You didn't even comment on his "hobbies". Riding subways. Playing video games. LOL. Not that I have anything against games since I play them a lot myself, but it wouldn't be something I'd promote.

behrmark said...

Despite the somewhat ridiculousness of this, you do have to give him some props for at least trying something rather than sitting home alone with "Mother" and running the motel.

Joy said...

Wow! Reminds me of my dating years and why I never got married again.

Miss Ginger Grant said...

Worst of all- he expects the woman to make the first move. Clearly he is not a "playa"!

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