The Fashion Show - Episode 2 - "Tulle Academy"

On last week’s episode of The Fashion Show, we met the designers and judges, and learned the format of the show. It was a bit clunky, but enjoyable enough – like a meal at the Olive Garden or a Nicole Kidman film. We found out that the most memorable personality on TFS is the love child of Charo and Agador Spartacus – Merlin – who’s magic allows him to “diss-a-peer pipples wong by wong”. Kindasorta cute Jonny D lost and was sent home, and Fashion-Samuri-slash-Nerd James-Paul was the winner.

This week’s show opens at the fashiontestant residence at 3:00 am. Young Kristen has decided that fashion is, like, really hard and stuff - so she is, like, taking her thimble and pink highlights and going home. Way to tough it out, Girlie!

The next morning in the workroom, Isaac and Kelly greet the remaining fashiontestants. They announce that the teams will remain the same as last week, except that James-Paul (last week’s winner), can choose to send one person to Team Tubeskirt of Death (which the departed Jonny D and Kristen were on).

Daniella, who HATES the Magical Mystical Merlin, decides to send “begging” brain signals to James-Paul to allow her to get away from Merlin. J-P seems to pick up on this and actually selects her to join the decimated Team Too Tight Tubeskirt.

The Mini-Challenge:

Laura from Harper’s Bazaar returns for the Quickfire/Shortcut/Mini-Challenge. This week’s mini-challenge will be to separate a box full of clothes into two categories: “Bank” (expensive), and “Budget” (the cheap-ass crap I would buy – on sale). The team who does this the fastest wins.

First up is Team Tubeskirt. They scramble to separate their items and to dress their “Bank” and “Budget” dress forms. When they “finish”, Laura tells them how many incorrect items they have – which they have the chance to go back and change. It’s just like the Race Game on The Price is Right … pull the lever, and find out how many items you have correct!

After various teams sniff handbags and go all CSI on belt glue – Team Bolero (Merlin, James-Paul, Lidia, and Angel) wins. “We are dey WEENERS agane!”, exclaims Merlin. Dear Merlin: you will always be dey Weener in my book.

The three teams are instructed to pick new team leaders, which are:

Team James-Paul. Dey Weeners formerly known as Team Merlin/Bolero.
Team Anna. What’s left of Team Keith/Tubeskirt plus Daniella.
Team Haven. The artists formerly known as Team Hammer-Don’t-Hurt-Em Pants.

Isaac explains that this week’s challenge will be centered around one of “New York City’s premier socialites” – Tinsley Mortimer. Isn’t that the most awesome name for a socialite, ever?!? And get this, her husband’s name is “Topper” – Mr. Topper Mortimer. “Topper? I hardly KNOW HER!”. Sorry, couldn’t resist.

Anywhore, apparently Tins is busy busy busy. Each team will be dressing her for four different events: a ladies luncheon, a charity gala, an art gallery opening, and backstage at a rock concert. Tins gets around – and she needs some outfits. Each team’s must create a coherent collection with their looks.

Here’s the catch – each look must cost no more than $40 (James-Paul’s team gets $50 since he won the Mini-Challenge). Apparently the Mortimers invested heavily with Bernie Madoff and have to go from “Bank” to “Budget” in a hurry.

The teams meet to discuss their looks. Angel asks James-Paul for some direction/inspiration, to which he replies: “Stealth Fighter”…

JamesPaulSayWhat?!? He wants The Tinster to look like an F-117 Nighthawk?!? Here is what I predict their collection will look like…

Me likee!! On the other hand, when Team Haven’s teammates ask her what direction they should take, she says “me”. She wants Tinsley Mortimer to look like a blond beeyotch with some money?? Mission already accomplished. Actually, Haven’s idea is more along the lines of “80’s/Linda Evans”. If Haven is Crystal Carrington, then Reco clearly looks like he could turn into Alexis at any moment and attack…

Reco is NOT impressed with his leader/inspiration. And I’m starting to like our country-fried, living with his mama, telling it like it T-I-IS designer. He even refers to Team James-Paul (J-P, Merlin, Angel, Lidia) as “The Little People”. Because it would be impolite to call them "The Midgets"...

The fashiontestants go to the Not Mood Fabric Store – and head toward the bargain-basement remnants section. One of the members of Team Haven – Laura – has become totally fixated on some tacky red tulle, even though Haven told her not to use it. Laura, who is like Gollum from the Lord of the Rings (with the tulle being The Ring) – purchases it anyway. My precious!

They return to the workroom and get busy. Angel, who is taking this “Stealth Fighter” thing a little too seriously, wants to use little paper airplanes on her dress. Good luck with that. Merlin has decided to talk with a lollipop in his mouth – because he was talking way too clearly with just his accent and no oral obstructions. And Markus, worrying about his dress, invokes Our Lady of Shoulder Pads – team leader Haven – and chants “Haven help us” while crossing himself. By the looks of Markus’ outfit – Haven, Heaven, and even Linda Evans herself couldn’t save him now.

Meanwhile, Gollum Smeagol Laura is stroking her precious red tulle – while her teammates tell her how horrible it is and that she shouldn’t use it. Laura claims they are all “ganging up” on her, and “not articulating” what is wrong. YES THEY ARE, WEIRDO! They are telling you “IXSNAY ON THE ULLETAY, UMBASSDAY”!! I don’t see how they could be any more clear.

The next day they continue working, and Johnny (who is referred to as “Mexican Jay” over at TVGasm) is having an “I’m not very good at sewing” moment. MexiJay (who designs two clothing lines) has people to do that for him. Smell HER. Reco notices that Markus, despite pleading to Haven-above, “don’t have NOT ONE piece made”. Reco didn’t never meet a double-negative he didn’t not like (or use).

Isaac and Kelly do one of their practically pointless visits, and ask James Paul what his inspiration/theme is. When J-P answers “Stealth Fighter”, the looks on Isaac and Kelly’s faces are priceless. They both pretty much do this…

“Weirdosaywhat?!?”

They visit Team Haven, and Laura is still talking about using the Red Tulle which was forged in the fires of Mordor. Only Tim Gunn the Grey could talk her out of it now – and he has fallen into shadow (AKA “gone to Lifetime”). Apologies for those of you who’ve never seen Lord of the Rings.

Over at Team Anna, they discuss Daniella’s “Backstage at a Rock Concert” look. Daniella is doing a “see-through bomber jacket”, because she obviously wants to get in on that Stealth Fighter action. Isaac and Kelly look dubious, and then leave the room for their focacta “impromptu” chat amongst themselves. This is one of those things the producers should eliminate immediately. I get the idea: if Michael Kors and Nina Garcia would dish “backstage” on Project Runway, I would watch for hours. But Isaac is too Jazz-Handsy, and Kelly reads cue-cards like I fix auto transmissions … not very well.

It is now two hours before the Runway Show, and there is much last-minute boob-taping and bobby pinning going on. The “fashion insider” audience members arrive, and the show begins.

First up, Team Little People/James Paul/Stealth Fighter. Not bad. They might be dey Weeners agane.

Next is Team Anna. Also not too shabby.

Finally, we have Team Oh No She Di-Int Use The Tulle. Yes she did. And when it came down the runway, Fern Mallis said: “It’s backstage at a rock concert. When everyone’s left and they find her under the table…”. I got the impression that Fern spoke from experience…

Furthermore, Isaac spots a bobbypinapalooza on Johnny’s garment. Johnny isn’t very good at sewing, but he certainly knows his way around a box of bobby pins.

Haven, Johnny, and Reco gather backstage after the show to yell at Laura for using the Red Tulle of Doom. Again, Laura accuses them of ganging up on her, and she now can’t recall that any of her teammates mentioned their dislike of the tulle. Apparently this tulle has the power to screw up your design AND make you stupid. Reco is pissed, and predicts they will be facing elimination.

Time for the results. Team Anna is the winning team, and Anna’s and Daniella’s looks are the two favorites. Daniella’s is announced the winner after Tinsley declares she wants to wear the outfit after the show. Apparently Miss Tins has a Guns & Roses concert to attend. Let’s just hope they don’t find her under Fern’s table.

Team Stealth Fighter is safe – meaning that someone from Team Haven will be going home (as Reco predicted). Isaac declares that a few of Team Haven’s looks were “off the deep end”. He was being kind. Markus, Laura, and Johnny’s looks come out – Reco is obviously safe.

The judges discuss the three tragic looks with the three tragic designers. Markus basically kisses ass, Laura is told her model looked “homeless”, and Johnny snaps to Isaac that he’s “not a seamstress” and didn’t thinks this show would be “America’s Next Top Seamstress”. Isaac, justifiably, declares that he doesn’t want to hear this argument anymore – and that they are EXPECTED to be able to sew. Johnny snaps back: “Then send me home!”.

Isaac replies: “We hear that loud and clear, darling”. And by “darling”, he means “you ungrateful bitch who could really use a shave and a Weight Watchers membership”.

The judges move backstage to discuss. Isaac is still pissed – he wants to cut a (non-seamstress) bitch. But after they discuss the 3 bad designs, Isaac boils down their decision to one simple question: “What is worse – bad attitude or bad tulle?”.

Markus, Laura, and Johnny are called back in front of the judges. Markus is safe.

Laura is sent home with a “Buh-bye darling” from Isaac. And by “darling”, he meant “you crazy tulle-worshipping weirdo”. Laura slinks off the runway, mumbling about her “precious” and her “tricksy master”.

Apparently bad tulle IS worse than a bad attitude...