Last week on The Fashion Show, Calvin and Cesar switched
teams (they are now straight??) and Tamara was sent home for her fatal femme
fatale look.
It’s morning in NYC and as always, the House of Emerald is
upset because they are a big pack of losers, while the House of Nami struts
around talking about how awesome they are. Then they receive the usual cheesy note
slipped under the door – instructing them to go to the Museum of Natural History .
At the museum, the fashiontestants gather in front of a vaguely
vajayjay-ish sculpture (above). At least that’s what David says. And, as we all know,
David (below) is ALL ABOUT the Poodle.
Surrounding the statue are nine metal BOXES (What is up with
all this lady imagery? Is this Lifetime or something??) and a scary Iman who
barks out wisdom regarding time and time capsules and shizz. Speaking of time
capsules – the sculptural ‘Ode to the Lady Cave ’
is actually a time capsule – not to be opened for 1000 years. I’m sure there’s
another vajayjay joke in there somewhere, but I just CAN’T with all this ‘Sparkle
Box’ talk…
Anyhoohaw, each designer gets a time capsule box which
represents a specific year. They are to use this as their inspiration and create a fashion-forward look based on their year, which must also be cohesive with the rest of their House. Oh, and they have to use plaid.
Because Iman “ADORES!” plaid. Or something. “Don’t ask me WHY, I don’t make the
rules!” (Ouiser Boudreaux, Steel Magnolias).
The designers go back to the workroom to do sketches and
Mood Boards. I've mentioned this before – but the idea
of Mood Boards is simply awesome. I think everyone should wake up every morning and do a Mood
Board for the upcoming day. Here was mine this morning…
Pretty much says it all, doesn’t it?
Isaac comes in and consults with both Houses, and then everyone
heads over to NotMood for a plaid fabric flurry (try saying that 3 times fast).
Back in the workroom, the designers get down to business.
Eduardo has immunity this week (OMG – that accent just melts me when he says “Eee-myoon-ee-tee”)
– so he is going “outside the box” (Boxes again!). Dominique is thinking about
a “girl, dating this guy” which is just so sad I can’t even comment on it.
Golnessa and/or Cindy (I seriously still can’t tell them
apart) is having trouble, and the other one is having a hard time watching her
friend struggle. I think.
All of a sudden The Fashion Show: Ultimate Collection somehow
turns into Iman’s Drag Race – with Calvin and
Jeffrey donning skirts, heels and wigs and werqing the runway and lip synching
for their lives. Ladies, don’t F*&K it up…
Day #1 ends, and Day #2 begins – and back in the workroom
David has stopped thinking about boxes for a moment and started thinking about
his Grandma (ew?). His inspiration year is 1982, which makes him thinks of jumpsuits,
which makes him think of his Grandmother. I don’t understand it either, but I
also don’t get the whole “I Love Lady Hotpockets” thing either.
Pretty Rolando – he of the long flowing hair and the size
two figure (that Biatch), is struggling with his sixties dress – particularly the
“piping”. Again, I’m sure there is some sort of gay “expert pipe handler” joke
in there somewhere – but I’m tired and I have to save something for my Top Chef
recap tomorrow.
Speaking of Rolando, he throws the gay side-eye at David, because David won’t stop “flirting” with young, impressionable,
giggly Dominique (after all, she has one of those Slip-n-Slides he loves so
much). Rolando notes that David has flirted with HIM, so whatevs …
David talks about how he was raised by a single mother – so he
identifies with women. Newsflash: being a Mama’s Boy doesn’t make you straight.
It just means you love your Mama – and, usually, other guys. And their “piping”.
Ask Rolando if you don’t believe me.
Look, don’t get me wrong – I think David is adorable. He has
the puppy dog eyes, full lips, and geeky awkwardness that melts my butter. He
also looks decent in a sleeveless shirt…
But on a Gay Scale from 1 to 10, David scores as follows …
Which is about a '38'.
Day #2 starts winding down, and the House of Emerald decides they need an additional look to make their collection more cohesive. So Den
Mother Cesar whips one up as easily as Paula Deen makes bacon-fried sausages.
Over at Team Nami, Calvin lovingly tells Ro that his dress is “horrendous”, and
Rolando doesn’t argue. Instead, Rolando decides to “fix it”. Cue ominous foreshadowing
music…
Day #2 ends, and it’s now Catwalk Day. Question: WTF is up
with the designers carting their garments on rolling racks through the streets
of NYC? Doesn’t Iman have minions to do that??
Speaking of minions, Clipboard Stefan runs around backstage
like a Nun at a co-ed Catholic school dance (STOP TOUCHING!!!) and lines
everyone up. The House of Nami goes first – and they present a very “industrial”
looking collection in shades of gray.
The House of Emerald then shows a chic-looking collection
with five looks – meaning one of the models has to do a quick change backstage.
The guest judge this week is “Supermodel” Anja Rubik – who is
best known for her signature look …
Iman and Isaac come backstage and announce that the House of
Emerald finally wins a challenge – with Jeffrey’s look being the overall winner. Isaac says
he wants to steal Jeffrey’s dress for his next collection, but I don’t really
get it – it looks like a plaid dress with a long piece of fabric hanging off
the side …
The House of Nami goes in front of the judges…
Eduardo: “Deece-Co” dress. Judges likee. Eduardo has
immunity. Safe.
Dominique: “Grungy young giggly gal wearing David’s her
boyfriend’s shirt”. Judges likee. Safe.
Calvin: Great skirt, but top looked like a “Homemaker Under
the Influence” (is there any other kind??). He is safe.
So the bottom two comes down to Rolando’s boring 1969 look, and Lady-Lovin-David’s
1982 Michael-Jackson-Grandma-Did-I-Mention-I-Like-Vaginas garment. Iman instructs them
both “Don’t Move!!” and demands to know why David should stay. He immediately freezes
up like a gay man standing in front of a powerful woman. Oh, wait… Anygay, David won’t stick up for himself
until a weeping Dominique demands that he not give up. Oy. I just CAN’T.
David suddenly finds some words about Grandma or Picklesnappers
or something and I throw up a little in my mouth.
In the end, pretty gay Rolando is sent home – solely because
the producers want to milk as much as possible out of David’s “relationship”
with Dominique and her Shaved Ham. But at least she comes to the realization that she "wears the pants". Ya think?!?
Did I mention that I just CAN’T??
Next week: The Really Bankrupt Housewives of New Jersey vs.
The Really Plastic Housewives of Someplace In California.
What did YOU think about last night's episode of The Fashion Show. Please leave your thoughts in the comments.
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8 comments:
The little romance moment was embarrassing for my kind - if, indeed, David is a tribe member. Dominique is and I need to slap her around a bit. Dear Gawd, girl, iggly-giggly, really?
Looking forward, we are beside ourselves with the new Top Chef tonight!!
You are the funniest ho I don't know. Well I got to watch a little bit of the first episode but that's it. Thank you for the recap.xoxo
There is absolutely no way on Mother Earth that David is straight! No. Fucking. Way!!!
And Momma's been around the block a few times.... she knows gay when she sees it!
i love your recaps- this one is better than the actual show actually!
xxalainaxx
I love your Mood Board! ROFL!
XOXOXOXOXOXOXO
I thought the same thing as Mrs. Miss. I didn't need to see the show after reading this. "Shaved ham" *giggle*!
You should definitely start every day with a mood board! Love it!
I want a mood board. I'll miss Roland. He's cute. Good to see Emerald do better.
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