Monday, June 23, 2008

Design Star - Episode Three - "Stand By Your Plan"

Last week on Design Star, “Operation: Get Rid of the Black Guy” went off without a hitch. That’s how they roll in Tennessee.

This week, host Clive Pearse abruptly awakens everyone with a loud bullhorn. This was totally unnecessary, just like host Clive Pearce himself. Matt is shirtless, Tracee’s face is filled with surprise and scorn (the only two emotions she knows), and Gay Michael looks EXACTLY like Chris Elliot’s annoying gay younger brother (hat tip to Noogie for that observation).

The sleepy designtestants walk out of their house to find a “yard sale”, which is less “yard sale” and more “a bunch of crap on tables in the driveway”. Which, come to think of it, pretty much describes every yard sale I’ve ever been to. Each designer must pick an object – obviously for later use.

After each person selects their very own ‘objet du crap’ from the Yard Sale, they are driven to the location of their challenge – a stately manor called “Oaklawn”. Oaklawn has a long history, including once being the home of country singers George Jones and Tammy Wynette. When Clive mentions this, Gay Michael reverently whispers – almost like a prayer – “stand by your man…”. Us gays loves us a tragic Diva (see also: Garland, Judy; Minnelli, Liza; WineWarehouse, Amy). Ed. Comment: after a few of your comments, I re-watched the show and Michael did NOT make the above statement, Matt indeed said "stand by your mansion". Which can only mean that Matt is a Mo. Woopsie!

Apparently, George and Tammy did a lot of sitting (or sittin’, as they would say) – because the mansion has four identical living/sitting rooms. It also has a ghost, which is probably just Tammy’s spirit stumbling around looking for her pills. The designers will be paired up and each duo will design their own sitting room.

The pairings are made:

D Paul (who is now “D Rock” for some reason) pairs with Faghag Trish.

Matt and Gay Michael are put together. Gay Michael plans on “using” Matt until the very end, and then will “stomp on him” – which is exactly how all his relationships go.

Stank Tracee and Jennifer. And you can bet that Jennifer is PSYCHED to be working with “Miss Throw Everyone Under the Bus”.

Mikey V. and ditsy Stephanie. If I were her, I would totally let Mikey 'hit it'.

The designers have 26 hours and $5,000 to finish their rooms. Let the games begin…

Plans are made and the ghost of Tammy starts knocking crap off the walls and moving people’s tools. Apparently it’s hard to find your Percocet when your home is being renovated and you’re drunk … and dead.

‘P Diddy D Paul’ decides he wants to extend the crown moulding – which Trish isn’t so sure about. Mikey is extremely good at keeping ditzy Stephanie focused, and Gay (!) Michael and Gay (?) Matt decide on basic black walls. Matt affectionately refers to Michael as a “professional”. Sound like Gay Michael’s plan of “using” and “stomping” is right on schedule …

While shopping, Stephanie uses the word “expensiver” and wants to paint EVERYTHING. In addition to being gorgeous, her partner Mikey V. has the patience of a saint. But what is that weird bottom lip thing he’s got going on? Lord, please don’t let it be the herpes.

Tracee shows her stank early by taking her time (and a catnap) during her shopping spree – leaving her partner Jennifer with nothing to do. Their partnership quickly goes even further downhill when Tracee arrives with two ugly chairs – which Jennifer HATES. Tracee, however, is still operating under the delusion that she is an utter joy to work with.

‘Puffy Paul D Rock’ is tackling his project “Louisiana Style” – which means he’s taking his damn sweet time on the crown moulding. During the yard sale crap-grab, he chose an archer’s bow – and at the last minute decides to take it apart, paint it white, lean it up against the fireplace, and call it a “sculptural piece”. Nice try, Jethro – Vern is going to destroy you…

Annoying Clive and his annoying bullhorn signal that time is up. Judges Martha, Vern, and Cynthia get to judging by looking at ‘before’ and ‘after’ video.

First up, we have “Team Stank Plus One” (Tracee and Jennifer). During the video, Tammy’s ghost knocks an ugly sconce off the wall – which she obviously did NOT like, and besides, there were NO pills in it. The judges agree with Tammy the not-so-friendly Ghost – they no likee.

Secondly, we have team “Gay (!) & Gay (?)” (Michael and Matt). The judges likee the black walls and overall design.

Third, we have “Team Hag Without a Fag” (Trish and D Paul). The judges no likee the dark, manly colors and don’t even notice the time-consuming crown moulding. They REALLY could have used a fag on this team.

Lastly, we have “Team Football Team Captain and Head Cheerleader". The judges likee, and I just figured it out, Stephanie looks exactly like Jennifer Coolidge. I wonder if Mikey likes “cougars”?

The judges deliberate, and the designers go to the green room to hate on Tracee (it’s already a tradition). But all Tracee can do is give alternating looks of surprise and scorn, and swear up and down that she’s easy to work with. So “easy to work with”, in fact, that after various competitors tell her to chill out and “deal with it” – Tracee utters the phrase: “I am ashamed to be associated with some of you”. I need to wear a t-shirt with those words the next time I go home to the gay bars of Harrisburg, PA….

The designers return to the Elimination Studio. Mikey, Stephanie, Matt, and Gay Michael have the best rooms and are safe (question: why don't they ever announce the overall winner?).

Jennifer and Trish are also safe – despite being paired with incompetents. Stank Tracee and ‘D Paul John George Ringo’ are the bottom two.

“Operation: Keep The Stank Bitch Because You Always Need A Stank Bitch On A Reality Show” goes off without a hitch, and D Paul goes back to the Bayou. Tracee and her Stank return to the green room to absolute silence. Thank goodness she’s not like Top Chef’s Lisa – because then she would have expected a “congratulations”…

Next week: people break shit, and people cry. Till then bitches!!!


TAMmommy said...

Wonderful recap!!

I thought references to Tracee being another Lisa, bad but always just one step above going home, will problablty be featured, also the designer we all love to hate.

As to D Paul's crown molding, I noticed it! But then again, I love crown molding, I was surprised that the judges didn't like it, or even notice it. Oh well.

aTAMMmommy's mind

Kelli said...

I was looking forward to reading your recap but was stopped at the first paragraph. I live in Tennessee. Sorry, but your comment about the "black guy" was really stereotypical and idiotic.

David Dust said...

Kelli -

It's called "sarcastic humor" ... look it up.


David Dust said...

Dear Kelli -

Were all the fag jokes Ok - or should I take those out too? You DO have fags in Tennessee, you know.

What about ditzy cheerleaders? You want me to delete those comments as well? I'm SURE you have a cheerleader or two in TN.

I wouldn't want to offend your highly enlighted sensibilities.

Lighten up...

Dan said...

My Dearest Kelli- I used to live in the South my darling little lady and if you want to be so
"idiotic" in thinking that people down there do not feel that way, you are sadly mistaken. If you need proof, pay very close attention to the upcoming presidential election. It will have nothing to do about the men running, but the color of their skin.

You are so offendew, maybe it hit a nerve.

As for you David, Do not change a thing, I love the fags, the hags, and all the sarcasm that reminds me that we need to be able to laugh at ourselves.

mikeinbama said...

I hate it when a reality show makes it obvious who they have targeted to be the villian. That bitch Tracee should have been cut the first week, but since she creates drama they are going to let her hang around while better designers get voted off.

Hey David, tell Kelli, I'm black and I get your sense of humor. Black people don't stay on reality shows the same way they don't make it to the end of a horror movie.

David, you don't have to be politically correct on your blog. If someone doesn't like it, Fuck'em and Feed'em Popcorn!

David Dust said...

Dearest DaddyMikeInBama -

Thank you. And WHAT IS UP with black people always going first - no matter what the genre?!?!


mikeinbama said...

Oh yeah, Great recap. Kelli's comment pissed me off and I forgot to tell you what a great recap.

How can you take someone serious when the last letter in their name is spelled with an i.

Bitch Please. Take off that wedding dress that you will never use and feed your house full of cats.

mikeinbama said...

That's why Tyler Perry have to write, direct and produce movies. So black people will be in every shot and scene......hahahahahaha.

Plus the black guy should have been voted off for looking like the Nutty Professor.

Joy said...

Jennifer Coolidge! That's right! I kept thinking she reminded me of someone. Perfect! I'm so glad you mentioned "expensiver" and that she wants to paint everything. So CA cheerleader ditz!

Matt sang "stand by your MANsion" which was funny. Loved the tragic diva references you made!

I haven't loved anything this group has designed except that compartmentalized bedroom. Most of these sitting rooms sucked.

That was great how silent they were when Tracee walked in after wondering how they'e react if she did. Good obsevation about how differently she handled it from the way Lisa did. We knew they'd have to keep the delusional stank bitch on a while longer because she is "so easy to work with."

Poor D-Rock.

David Dust said...

Darling Joy -

As a resident of the great state of Tennessee, I noticed that you didn't mention anything about being offended by my first paragraph.

Imagine that...


Can you tell I'm just a LITTLE bit touchy about stupid criticisms?

TAMmommy said...

David, now don't let someone who should not be reading blogs offend you!
Really now, if you want straight-laced, facts and politcal correctness, stay away from blogs!! That undermines the whole purpose and enjoyablity of the blog...the fact that no one has to be politically correct, that we can say and make fun of whatever, because we are the first to laugh at ourselves.

Enough said....stay true to who you are and the rest can just eat cake!

aTAMMmommy's mind

David Dust said...

Tammommy -

Thank you dear - you are right. But it's just annoying to get called out on something so stupid. If I got something totally wrong, or was being malicious, then I could understand - but I guess my "humor" isn't for everybody.

But just for the record, I want to apolgize in advance to: fags, faghags, yard sale lovers, country music fans, residents of Louisiana, people named "Jethro", hunky cops-by-day-decorators-by-night, Stank Bitches, Clive Pearse, Black People, White People, Chris Elliot, Jennifer Coolidge, Sean "P Diddy" Combs, The Beatles, Liza, Judy, Amy, the Gays of Harrisburg, Lisa from Top Chef, and the Ghost of Tammy Wynette.

Did I miss anyone????

Residentargento said...

Haha oh man you are so right! Michael is awesome though. I'm just waiting for Tracee to get kicked off...we think we've seen waterworks so far.

Joy said...

It's because I have a sense of humor. Y'all gave Kelli too much attention, guys.

Stephanie also has Jennifer Coolidge boobies. Back to your discussion about those - there is something quite appealing about boobies. I could be a lesbian from the waist up ONLY. I like me some penises.

I keep wanting to make a comment about black men coming/going first and have so many choices that I'll just leave it to your imaginations except to say that the best ones don't always go first.

Hmmm, nice new photo, Mike. Thanks.

David Dust said...

Darling Joy -

Thank you for getting us refocused on the important things in life:

Boobies, Penises, and Black Men coming and going...

I knew I could count on you!


Mark in DE said...

As usual, you give us a brilliant and sucinct recap of last night's hot tranny mess.

You're right about Stephanie looking a lot like Jennifer Coolidge (whom I adore)!

I couldn't BELIEVE it when the judges chose Stank Tracee or D Paul. And when ST returned to the green room, the silence was absolutely deffening!

Mark :-)

Mark in DE said...

P.S. You know the black slaves who worked on the Titanic were the 1st to be thrown overboard, right?

LOL - poor Kelli must be a newbie around here.

Howard said...

This fag wasn't offended by a thing, and loved the recap!

Well, I was offended by some of the concepts of the designs on the show, but that doesn't have anything to do with the brilliance that is Mr David Dust!

Linda Merrill said...

I posted a comment last week - and just realized it didn't stick. Anyway, I don't remember what I said. But I agree about Stephanie looking like Jennifer Coolidge!

Anonymous said...

I didn't see the "stand by your man" joke like that--

I thought it was Matt and I thought he said "Stand by your man-sion." I thought it was funny. I already deleted it on tivo so can't go back and look.

Anonymous said...

Well, I'm a newbie to this blog and I love it! Someone posted the link on the hgtv message board and got jumped all over for it being "offensive". There are some humorless people over there for sure. Some think Michael is a spiteful bitch (ok true, but at least he is funny and entertaining) and that poor Tracee is just an innocent victim of Michael's spite (are you KIDDING me???) Hopefully only the HGTV message board members with a sense of fun will hang out here and the rest will leave in a big fat HUFF.
Great blog, don't change a thing and don't ever become PC.

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