Design Star - Episode Two - Mini Recap

First of all, we find out that the whole “you’re going to have to build your own house” teaser from last week was simply a lie. Which pissed me off. Don’t waste my time with your childish games. Time is money, bitches.

Clive – the host who is much more snarky Simon Cowell than kindly mentor Tim Gunn – takes them, via boat, to their REAL house. Inside, the designtestants must design the living room, dining room, sunroom, and two bedrooms over the next 3 days. They break up into teams.

Big Gay Michael and Fag Hag Trish form an immediate bond and start “Team Dining and Sun Room” (along with Tracee and D Paul). Trish knows that gay men can be your most loyal allies, or your worst enemies – and she ain’t taken no chances with Miss Michael. D. Paul pretty much keeps quiet – and Tracee seems to only have two facial expressions – surprise or scorn. And sometimes she’s able to express BOTH simultaneously – especially when Gay Michael (“Queen of the Gay Gasp”) is nearby.

Dumb blonds Jennifer and Stephanie form Team Ditzy Dining Room, and Southern Scottie wants to do the upstairs bedroom (which he pronounces “bet-room”) on his own. Matt wants to work on the downstairs bedroom with Mikey V. – which I can TOTALLY understand.

It’s time for shopping and Gay Michael is all finger-snaps and exclamations of “fabulous”. I would have drowned that bitch in the river already. He’s obsessed with buying a pool table for the sunroom – I’m sure to fulfill some sort of porno fantasy with Mikey V. Which, on second thought, isn’t such a bad idea. You go girl!!

Matt is planning some sort of mass “orgy bed” for the downstairs bedroom he’s building with Mikey – and again I say: You go girl!! Scottie is using last season’s colors in his bet room – trying to play it off as “70’s Retro”. Good luck with that.

I don’t know WHAT the hell the two blonds are doing in the dining room – they’re chatting and bonding and doing everything except designing. Step it up and Design, bitches.

Mikey V. is in a sleeveless shirt and I’m gagging on the gorgeousness. Matt’s “secret weapon” is snoring like a foghorn. Gay Michael gives the HUGEST gay gasp at the sight of a pool table. Tracee gives looks of surprise and scorn when she sees said pool table in the sunroom. Tracee seems to distance herself from each of her teammates' decisions, apparently in an attempt to not get bitten in the ass during the judging. She’s a sneaky bitch.

Team Ditzy Dining Room is still shopping for discounts on day #2. They finally find a huge, gorgeous, solid wood dining room table – that must be loaded into their truck via forklift. The dumb blonds don’t think about how in the hell they’ll get it into the house WITHOUT a forklift. They end up painting the top of the gorgeous wooden table. Dumbasses.

It’s the 3rd and final day of work – and Queen Michael is playing with some stray dog – eliciting glances of scorn (and maybe a little surprise) from Tracee. She scolds him for not working, and he calls her “Mommie Dearest”. No.He.Di.Int!! CHRISTINA – BRING ME THE AXE!!!!!!!! Tracee’s expression is now all scorn – all the time. The Dining Room tramps leave painter’s tape on the ceiling. If they weren’t decorating, they would obviously be Rocket Scientists.

Time’s up. Judges judge. We see before and after pictures. The judges are Martha McCully from InStyle Magazine, Vern Yip, and Designer Cynthia Rowley (who I saw on the street a couple of weeks ago). Cynthia is adorable.

Living room – judges likee. Michael takes the credit for the color. Judges mention the “solid furniture – patterned pillows” scheme is “predictable”. Tracee immediately grabs teammates and shoves them under various buses. She doesn’t agree with ANY of her teammates’ bad ideas. BAD teammates!! You should be ASHAMED of yourselves. I am filled with SURPRISE and SCORN toward you! Tracee even acknowledges the “huge alliance” between the fag (Michael) and the hag (Trish).

Sunroom – judges no likee. Tracee agrees with EVERYTHING the judges say – the sunroom sucks. She doesn’t even like to say the WORD sunroom – it sucks so bad. Tracee doesn’t have anything to do with that sucky sunroom.

On to the bedrooms – or the bet rooms. The judges NO LIKEE Scottie’s orange and brown 70’s swinger’s den. The word “hate” is used.

Vern LOVES what Mikey V. and Matt have done in the downstairs bedroom. He loves the four-in-one orgybed. Kinky bitch.

Dining Room. Judges no likee the tapee still on the ceiling. Vern uses the word “unacceptable”, which I’m sure his ex-boyfriends have heard many times.

In the not-so-Glad “Green Room”, the designtestants are talking so much shit to Tracee’s surprised and scornful face, that she has to leave. Dumbass Stephanie is crying and wondering “can’t we all just get along?”. Yeah, that worked out so well for Rodney King.

One by one, people are safe – including that sneaky Tracee. It is down to the Scottie and his 70’s Bet Room, and Stephanie’s Dining Room of Doom.

Scottie is sent home, and the rest of the designers jump for joy – the black guy is gone. Racists!!

Till next week bitches!!!