Thursday, June 12, 2008

Top Chef Chicago - Finale - Fiction Is Funny!


I’m going to be honest with you – last night’s episode of Top Chef was dull. Besides the natural tension of waiting to find out who won (and praying that Lisa was NOT the winner) – it was pretty straightforward. There was no yelling, no undercooked rice and beans, and no SABOTOGE! So I’m simply going to make shit up. Yep – what you are about to read is total fiction – but hopefully it’ll be more entertaining than what really happened. It’s also going to be short and sweet – so let’s get started…

It’s morning in Puerto Rico, and Lisa is nursing her hangover from being at the lesbian bar - Motocicleta Mamá (“Motorcycle Mama”) all night. Stephanie is doing the “walk of shame” - returning to the hotel after spending the night at PapiChef Wilo Benet’s hacienda. Richard is the only one who looks like he got any sleep.

The three meet for breakfast – and Richard and Steph are making stank faces in Lisa’s general direction. Lisa must still have that Motorcycle Mama smell all over her. We get the normal “time-filler” commentary:

Richard: “There’s a lot on the line … I got a baby on the way … Lisa is a stank bitch …”

Stephanie: “It’s been a long journey … I want to be the first female Top Chef … Lisa is a stank bitch …”

Lisa: “I want to bang the first female Top Chef… Lisa is a ..?.. HEY, wait a minute?!!”

The three finalists go to meet Padma and Tom – who are standing with three world-famous Chefs: veggie specialist Jolly Green Giant, Chef Boyardee, and snack-cake guru Little Debbie. Each guest chef is standing in front a table of assorted foods – gumdrops, sardines, oatmeal pies, escargot, pixie sticks, beef Wellington, succotash, chicken noodle soup, Spam, etc.






The person that has won the most challenges gets to select which chef he or she would like to work with. However, Stephanie and Richard are tied – so they chose the person who “got some” last night. Stephanie silently thanks Chef Wilo and selects world-famous Chef Boyardee first. Richard picks the Jolly Green Giant, leaving Lisa with Little Debbie. Lisa is happy to be working with a woman – especially since Debbie is looking butch in her blue flannel shirt and cowboy hat.

Each of the three finalists will prepare a traditional four-course meal for nine diners – using the three guest chefs as helpers. They get busy planning their menus and doing their prep work.

Lisa bonds immediately with Little Debbie – who’s actually not so little since she joined the softball team and started working out. Stephanie notes how weird it is that Lisa is getting along with her, because she is usually stank to EVERYONE. Not if Lisa thinks there’s a chance of getting a bite of the Banana Twins – if you smell what I’m stepping in.


Lisa is planning a traditional Asian meal of Fried Wontons, Chicken Chow Mein, Sesame Beef, and Fortune Cookies for dessert. That comes with a free eggroll, but I’m sure she’ll forget the Duck Sauce. They ALWAYS forget the Duck Sauce…

Richard is still discussing his ideas with the Jolly Green Giant, who’s not being very helpful. Every time Richard has a new idea, the Giant says “Ho-Ho-Ho, why don’t you add some PEAS to that!”. Laffy Taffy does NOT taste good with peas, stupid. And stop calling Richard a "Ho" - he was the ONLY one who didn't get lucky last night!

Stephanie is working with one of the most well-known chefs in history, but she has no problem telling Chef Boyardee the way she wants things done. The thought of dessert is really freaking Stephanie out however – making her wish she had picked Little Debbie. But Chef Boyardee comes up with a unique dessert idea, and Steph is happy for his help.


Richard has decided to show off a little bit for the celebrity chefs, and whips out his liquid nitrogen. He is one of the few people who utilizes this to cook – and today he is going to make an old favorite: “Tranny Ice Cream”. Here is the formula:

Revlon Fabulash Mascara + Jean Naté After-Bath Splash + Popov Vodka. Freeze with liquid nitrogen and this is what you get:


Delish! Richard has drawn attention from the celebrity chefs and remarks: “I just showed Chef Boyardee a technique he never saw – that’s fucking cool!”.

It is the end of the day, and the finalists say goodnight to their Sous Chefs – with Lisa getting a little “over the flannel” action during her hug with Not-So-Little Debbie. Goodnight bitches!!

It’s a new day – the day of the final challenge, and the three finalists rush into the kitchen to begin. But their helpers aren’t there. All three have called out sick, and since they are in the union, they can’t be penalized. Richard, Lisa, and Stephanie will have to finish on their own. Chef Tom remarks that they will “live and die by your own hand” – and I want to know why he has to mention my sex life on national TV? That was uncalled for, Tom.

We get more “filler” commentary. Richard remarks that people call out sick in restaurants all the time – and it’s impossible to fire them once they get that union card. Stephanie is trying to stay focused on her Beefaroni. And Lisa remarks that her menu will reflect her personality. But how does “stank” actually taste?

It’s time for service – and the guests arrive. They are: Padma, Tom, Ted Allen, Little Debbie (who is speaking with a British accent, like Madonna), Jolly Green Giant, Chef Boyardee, and two old sleepy guys. I didn’t catch the old guys’ names, but I could have sworn Padma called one of them a faggot. Or maybe she pronounced it “faGETT”? Does anyone recognize them?:


Wait … here are my favorite gals – GAIL AND HER BOOBIES!!!!! I hoped they made room for two additional diners. Gail, as an editor of Food and Wine magazine, has an abundance of culinary experience – and makes a surprise announcement. She will be opening an “upscale” version of Hooters, called “Boobage Bistro”. Look for it this fall.

Before service, the finalists reflect upon their menus. Richard’s dishes represent “his own personal journey” – so apparently he's spent a lot of time in pea fields. Lisa is doing Asian StankFusion, and Stephanie is utilizing Spaghetti and Meatballs for every course, like Chef Boyardee suggested.

The four courses come out, one-by-one. It seems that Stephanie is doing well – but surprisingly so is Lisa. The judges must have appreciated the free eggroll. Richard seems to be off tonight – Gail’s boobies must not like peas. Those funbags have sophisticated palettes.

At the end of service, the finalists are applauded and thanked by the judges. They go to the temporary Not-So-Glad Storage room – and Padma, Tom, Ted, Gail, and the Boobies go to the Judge’s Table to discuss.

They debate, take notes, debate, discuss, and debate some more. The morning birds are chirping, and they’ve finally made a decision. I am really starting to think that Lisa and her Stank Foo Young may have won this thing. There are going to be some PISSED OFF people if that is the case.

Richard, Stephanie, Lisa, and Lisa’s Double-Chin stand in front of the judges. They discuss and defend their various dishes. Padma asks them if they have any last words. They all do:

Stephanie: “Lisa is a stank bitch”.

Richard: “I’ll say it … Lisa is a stank bitch”

Lisa: “Lisa is a ..?.. You guys ALWAYS get me with that!!!”

After more discussions, it’s time for the announcement:

STEPHANIE – YOU ARE TOP CHEF!! Lisa – you are a stank bitch. And Richard: you won the fucking bronze medal – congratulations!”



Next week: Reunion Special and Fan Favorite! Till then Bitches!!!

45 comments:

SailorAlphaCentauri said...

Holy crap that was fantastic! Now I'm upset that the only time I've managed to not watch an episode was on this one...but considering that the consensus is that it was boring, this was much better.

I didn't know "stank bitch" was a flavor. I shudder to think of it.

I told my uncle that we'll know that Lisa won because the world will come to an end...it didn't end, so I peeked at the last 10 seconds of the show. Yay! All's right with the world.

Fantastic job, as always. The consistency of your blog gives me something to aspire to...so I've got a long way to go! Good job!

P.S. Favorite part?

Lisa: “Lisa is a ..?.. You guys ALWAYS get me with that!!!”

John said...

I am writing nothing at all about that reunion special. I need a break from Top Chef!!!

Very happy about the results though.

mikeinbama said...

I agree with you about last nights show. It was so boring. Richard was sweating his ass off last night. His big pink head was glistening. I know last nights show didn't give you much material to work with. But once again, GREAT RECAP!

My favorites:

Lisa bonds immediately with Little Debbie – who’s actually not so little since she joined the softball team and started working out.

Lisa is planning a traditional Asian meal of Fried Wontons, Chicken Chow Mein, Sesame Beef, and Fortune Cookies for dessert. That comes with a free eggroll, but I’m sure she’ll forget the Duck Sauce. They ALWAYS forget the Duck Sauce…

He is one of the few people who utilizes this to cook – and today he is going to make an old favorite: “Tranny Ice Cream”.

Lisa getting a little “over the flannel” action during her hug with Not-So-Little Debbie.

Stephanie is trying to stay focused on her Beefaroni.

GAIL AND HER BOOBIES!!!!! I hoped they made room for two additional diners.

I didn't get my show finale culinary boner. I had to get it the old way and it wasn't that much fun. I hope you think about covering Top Hair Cut or whatever it is. I think it will bring us some hilarious moments.

Psychomom said...

Fiction or Friction, much better than the actual episode. I'm happy Stephanie won, she was strong through out the season. And what happened to Richard, it's like he didn't even try. Did 'Stanky Lisa' pay him off?

Thanks for the funny Top Chef recaps, you are not only handsome and smart but funny too. I just wish I had some of those funbags you love so much. I'll have to woo you with some of that lip gloss instead. Smooch, smooch.

So here are some of my favorites laughs, too funny.

"Lisa is happy to be working with a woman – especially since Debbie is looking butch in her blue flannel shirt and cowboy hat."


"Revlon Fabulash Mascara + Jean Naté After-Bath Splash + Popov Vodka. Freeze with liquid nitrogen and this is what you get:"

"Little Debbie (who is speaking with a British accent, like Madonna)"

"Chef Tom remarks that they will “live and die by your own hand” – and I want to know why he has to mention my sex life on national TV? That was uncalled for, Tom."

(Ouch, That hurts! (so good))

XOXOXO

Dan said...

LOL!!! Really , that shit was sooo much better than the show!
XXOO

Jennie said...

Much better than the actual show. The Tranny Ice Cream killed me.

Seeking Simplicity said...

lol..... Lisa and her double chins (why was that). You nailed last night's performance... and I'm so happy that Stephanie won and not Lisa that stank bitch.

I'll have to go back through your archives about Project Runway. I so wanted Chris March to win.. and not that little Christian.

Thanks for stopping by my blog... and I can't wait to see your thoughts on the new Project Runway.

chef_the_city said...

again, we think too much alike... title of my TC post (yet to be completed)? "Finale? Ho Hum..." i wanted some dramz, so thx for supplying it!

StickyGooeyCreamyChewy said...

Whoever said that truth is stranger than fiction didn't watch last night's finale. Your recap was much more entertaining!

Hehehe! Tranny ice cream! :D

Kit Pollard said...

Love it!

I'm thrilled that Stephanie won and it's kind of refreshing to see people with actual talent (and class) on reality TV...but class and talent will only take you so far.

Apparently the TV world needs more stank bitches. It hurts me, and I'm so glad she lost, but Lisa did add spice.

Can't wait for the PR recaps!

Berry Blog said...

Just amazing how you found your parallels in characters and all those photos, blended and tied it all together in the short time you had.You really have a flare for this and your imagination is staggering. The one liners abound and are always fresh; and I can easily imagine you as a stand up comic delivering all this with a slide show on stage.This was wonderful.
You're the only writer I know that can seduce me into going back and watching a rerun of an already boring episode.What can you do to induce me to read a Russian novel again for NO college credits? Bet you could do it.
hmmmmm...and I wonder what you would do with an Oprah episode?

MOF said...

ROTFLMAO!!! Loved your recap!

"Chef Tom remarks that they will “live and die by your own hand” – and I want to know why he has to mention my sex life on national TV? That was uncalled for, Tom." was one of my faves.

Jimbo said...

BRAVO!! (no pun intended) I about laughed my laptop off of my laugh. GENIUS!!

David Dust said...

Thank you everyone!

theminx said...

I was going to throw my cocktail at the tv if Lisa had won. Thank goodness I didn't have to waste any alcohol on the stank bitch!

Joy said...

Hilarious perfection! Love the fictional take on it.

I felt sort of sorry for Richard and am glad Stephanie won. There were hints all along about "first woman to win" and how a woman had never won it.

Exceptionall well done, DBL!!!

Joy said...

Where did you get that cute avatar?

Beth said...

I haven't stopped laughing yet!! Tranny, you need to be a writer for Bravo!!! YOUR show would be so much better thananything they have now...

"tranny Ice Cream"!!!!! LOVE IT!

This was your best ever! I might almost miss Top chef cuz of this one...

love you tranny!!!!

Chris said...

Dude, that made me laugh up my Chicken Picatta. Great stuff!

Juli said...

~~~~~~~Chef Tom remarks that they will “live and die by your own hand” – and I want to know why he has to mention my sex life on national TV? That was uncalled for, Tom.~~~~~~~

D-E-A-D. I wish with the power of 100000 unicorns that YOUR finale had been the real one, LMAO!!!!!!

I honestly think I may have to start watching Project Runway just so I can read your recaps ;)

David Dust said...

I love my Dust Bunnies SO SO SO SO MUCH! And you wanna know why:

You liked my masturbation joke! I'm glad I'm not the ONLY one not getting any!!!

XOXOXO

P.S. - Darling Joy - I found a free avatar generator site - I'll have to do a post about it!

Joy said...

Oh, I want to know about that avatar generator!!

About not getting any - I hold the record for how long it's been among all your Bunnies. Oh well.

Are we watching the Bravo A-List Awards? I am!

It is so wrong for Project Runway to leave that network. I'm still in mourning.

David Dust said...

Actually, I'm working at the part-time job, so I can't watch the A-list awards. I'm sure they'll replay it.

As far as "not getting any" - we will take your word on that....

DARLING JOY WINS!!!!!!!!!!!

:)

Rachael said...

When I got your comment, I thought that this was going to be some sort of freaky weird blog comment spam, but it's SO MUCH BETTER than that!

I also enjoyed:

"Lisa is happy to be working with a woman – especially since Debbie is looking butch in her blue flannel shirt and cowboy hat."

And since I'm new here, I enjoyed the "Not-So-Glad Storage Room".

David Dust said...

Well Miss Rachael - WELCOME! You are now an official "Dust Bunny"!!!

Dust Bunnies get bonus points for making comments. Most of the Bunnies that have commented on this post are VERY GOOD Bunnies!!

And I love a good Bunny!!

XOXO

Nanc Twop said...

Stephanie and her Beefaroni...

Lisa is doing Asian StankFusion!

'Richard seems off tonight –
Gail’s boobies must not like peas.'

...You're killing us here!
- But we'll die happy ;-)

my Top Chef posts

Kwana said...

Good times, good times! Much more fun than the dull show. I must send a friend over here. You had them like the 3 Stooges. Too funny!

You know I would have been just been ov-ah if Lisa won.
Will you recap the reunion?

David Dust said...

Kwana - I think maybe I'll do a "Random Thoughts On..." post for the Reunion. It's hard to do a proper recap of those, because there is really no beginning, middle, end - storyline.

I'm sure I'll do SOMETHING!

XOXO

Jimbo said...

FYI - I meant to say I laughed my laptop off of my lap. LOL

OH...I just saw Gail and her Boobies in the audience at the A-List Awards. YAY!

me said...

i just saw gail and her funbags too...lol..

good recap...you have to cover flipping out..

BohoPoetGirl said...

Hey David -
Where have you been all my television season!!! This blog is priceless! I am emailing this post to all my friends... I just laughed out loud so many times reading it my dog moved off my lap to go sleep at the end of the couch.

David Dust said...

Dearest Bohopoetgirl - Welcome! We got plenty of room here - the more the merrier!!

XOXO

Renee said...

My favorites:

Asian StankFusion!

“STEPHANIE – YOU ARE TOP CHEF!! Lisa – you are a stank bitch. And Richard: you won the fucking bronze medal – congratulations!”

OMG hilarious! You're very creative- this was way better than the actual finale.

I'm looking forward to your PR recaps. :-)

Andrea said...

Bravo, David...
your episode of TC was much better than the one that I finally got my Tivo record...and posted my blog a day late. I should have blogged about your episode!
Brilliant!
Andrea

Moda di Magno said...

David, that was some funny shit. Far more entertaining than the actual show last night. Lisa is a stank whatever, but what is up with Padma? Dude, I'm just not getting the bio on the Top Chef page...feels a little...padded.

Can't wait for your review of next week's show. Thanks for stopping by Moda di Magno blog.

Silly Billy said...

OMG, that was hilarious. Thank you, thank you for making my Friday morning.

Beth said...

Tranny!! I'm lovin your new avatar!!! but you're much better looking in real life, so why not a REAL picture of you??? Hummmmmm???

Tom Aloisi said...

great recap. but Lisa should have won!! Her meal was the best, but Steph was the most likable person with an edible meal!

Howard said...

Wow. Just wow. TC should be hiring you to make the show more interesting, since that was the most boring finale evah! While I am glad Moanin'Lisa didn't win, seems to me the judges kinda thought they were actually the most boring finale dishes, too!

BTW, I did think Chef Tom was talking about my sex life, 'cept he didn't mention downloading 'net porn.

I do think I might be able to give Joy a run for her money, but documenting my lack of sex online doesn't interest me at the moment. It might discourage AC from asking me out.

melissa said...

Oh, David, you've done it again! This was the funniest yet, and now I want a spaghetti sundae. Thanks a lot!
xoxo

maxthegirl said...

David. You are somethin' special.

David Dust said...

Hey Maxthegirl - I missed you! Are you ready for Project Runway!??!

XOXO

sassymoll said...

That was hilarious!

jen said...

As always dear dusted one, LOVED your recap!

Ding Dong! StankBitchLisa L.O.S.T! hurrah!

BRAVO! (heh. get it?) to both Stephanie AND Richard (even though he [cough] "choked" on his final).

TAMmommy said...

This was perfect! What better way to end this season that with your blog about it! I loved it!!

Thanks so much for all you do!!

www.atammmommy.wordpress.com

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