Thursday, June 26, 2008

Top Haircut - Episode One - "There Ain't Much Motion In This Oshun"

Alternate Title: "Operation: Get Rid of the Black Guy"

Don’t get excited – this is NOT a recap per se, just some observations about last night’s Top Haircut. Keep in mind, this is the absolute first time I’ve ever seen Shear Genius (I didn’t watch last season), so this is all new to me. I have to say, it WAS entertaining.

● Jaclyn Smith looks FLAWLESS – especially considering she’s like 80-years-old. Jaclyn obviously got the “Deluxe Package” at PlasticSurgery Mart, and she must use Heather Locklear’s makeup, hair, and lighting people. Fierce all around.

● Smith’s sidekick last night, “Master Colorist” Mr. Kim Vo, only bought the “Puffy Lip Special” at PlasticSurgery Mart. His hair color IS flawless – but everything else screams HOT TRANNY MESS.

● When Vo was introduced; they mentioned he is responsible for Britney Spears’ hair. What, those ratty weaves containing bits of Funyuns and Cheetoh dust??!!?? It’s time to take Brit-Brit off your resume, girl.

● Oshun, the token black guy, likes to refer to himself in the third person – and then use a bunch of words that rhyme with “Oshun” (pronounced like the body of water). Motion, lotion, potion, and ‘causing a commotion’ were all used (I think). And as we all know – because he’s black, he WILL be going home first – a la Top Chef (Nimma), Design Star (Scottie), and every horror movie ever made. Don’t call me a racist, bitches, this is a scientifical fact. Look it up.

● There is also a white chick named “Nekisa”, and a lesbian named “Dee”. I didn’t realize lesbians could cut hair. Top Mechanic or Top Janitor I could understand – but Top Haircut? Watch what happens!

● We also have the Bravo-patented “token straight guy” – who mentions his wife in his very first breath. Calm yourself Mary – we get it, you’re ALL ABOUT getting up in the cha-cha.

● Their version of the Quickfire Challenge – the “Shortcut Challenge” – last night had the salontestants cutting hair blindfolded. I was just glad that bitches were not stabbed or maimed. Oshun lost the challenge due to his “butcher job”. He should stick to rhyming.

● OK, seriously, hold the friggin’ phone. Who in the hell is “mentor” Rene Fris? He is gorgeous, but he REALLY needs to keep his mouth shut. He has one of those horrible Eurotrash accents, and I can’t tell if he’s talking about “hair color” or “her collar”. And his reading of cue cards has to be seen to be believed.

● The Elimination Challenge required the salontestants to create a hairstyle inspired by various cartoon characters. It is SO sad, I am too old to have any idea who the hell “Jem” is. There used to be a drag queen at the Roxy named “Gem Gender” who carried a plastic raygun – so we referred to her as “Security!”. But I don’t think that’s the "Jem" they were talking about last night.

● Jaclyn Smith just said “It’s time for the Hair Show”. I’m getting a t-shirt.

● Dallas Daniel – the Kayne Gillespie of the show – is all about “Southern Hair”. He wins the challenge with his Wilma Flintstone design. He keeps hairspray in his pocket. I keep money and some napkins to wipe my sweaty face in mine, but whatever.

● Oshun, who seems directly out of an In Living Color skit, loses and gets sent home. Wait, did he just say “Cracka Lackin’”? Buh-bye Oshun – you weren’t as “deep” as you kept saying you were.

● Operation: Get Rid of the Black Guy. ACCOMPLISHED.

For all things Shear Genius, visit our friends at Blogging Shear Genius.

Till next week, bitches!!!


Beth said...

oh Tranny....I freakin love you. first..that KIM guy/girl?WTF???? OHMYGOD!!! Girlfriend..PLEASE!@!! Give it a break, mkay?

Jacklyn DOES look long as you don't get too close!! and that other guy with the "strange" accent? WTH? Where is he from, anyway??!!!

this show is a TRANNY MESS UP IN HERE!!!!! For serious, ya'lls..

I didn't even watch this show! I WAS watching re-runs all day long tho, yesterday from teh first show. TRANNY MESS!!!

I just love a good tranny show, don't you?

David Dust said...

Dearest TrannyBeth - That's all I kept thinking while watching the show: HOT.TRANNY.MESS.

It was Craptacular!


theminx said...

Kisses to you for watching and doing a your impression of the episode. Or as Rene Fris might say, "impfhwessuhn."


mikeinbama said...

I watched Top Mullet last night, and it was a tranny mess. When did people who work in barber shops become so cocky? They act like they're finding a cure for cancer. I don't think I can watch a show where everyone is a bitch.

Watching this show gave new meaning to, "shave your ass and walk backwards".

Howard said...

Well, I watched, and you pretty much caught all the high points, from Ms Smith looking fan-frakin-tastic to the gorgeous but impossible to understand 'Tim Gunn' [at least he was last season] to the odd looking Tranny Mess of a guest judge.

Oshun was a trainwreck waiting to happen from the get-go. Shockingly enough, in the first season, the black dude was named the 'Sheer Genius' so I guess they figured they needed to bring on the 'Utter Knucklehead' this season.

And I am always amused at the 'str8' boys who need to mention their love for the wife in the first sentence, just to make sure no one assumes they are gay.

Laura K said...

Thanks for your recap David. This show is going to be a hoot. I'm kind of sorry that we lost Oshun so soon, because he showed great potential for drama.

Meanwhile, the most promising part of the premiere was the previews!

Dan said...

I had absolutely no desire to watch this mess of a show, I stomached the first season, but I guess now I will have no choice. Unless Dearest David, you made it much better than it actually was!

SailorAlphaCentauri said...

I caught the tail end of this episode (I was switching between that and ABC Crime...totally disappointing) and I thought the challenge was really stupid.

And Jem was the pink-haired singing persona of a band that usually spent its time raising money for the orphanage her alter-ego ran. Her costume was from a hologram machine called Synergy (oh good Lord I remember too much of this show) and both personas dated a man named Rio who couldn't figure out that they were the same woman and treated Jerrica (the non-perfomer) like crap. Early relationship lessons at its finest.

Anyway, the one guy's Marge looked like "Peggy Bundy", and the other Lucy had some jacked up color plates in her hair and was still in the top three (wtf?). I was wondering what the sub-title would be today and I'm not surprised!

We may have lost Oshun, but there may be a new hot tranny mess in training on the horizon.

Justin said...

Dallas Daniel compared to Kayne Gillespie?!? Classic!

Tranny mess hit the target!

Justin said...

Dallas Daniel compared to Kayne Gillespie!! Classic!

Tranny-mess is right on target.

These people are Fierce!

Meeg said...

I'm glad you got turned on to shear genius. Last season was awesome.

Jaclyn Smith is an awesome host (she always seems so sincere) and last season she got upset when someone threw their teammate under the bus. Everything that Rene guy says is unintelligible and hilarious (he's Danish but I think he kind of sounds like Sylvester the Cat).

Also the judges (different judges though) seemed to have no qualms about eliminating the best contestants which made watching the show way more exciting.

And there were two lesbian contestants last time so I guess there are lesbian hairdressers.

That Wilma hair was awesome.

Christopher said...

Amen Sister!

It's as if you were reading my very thoughts on last night's episode. I wanted to reach through the TV and slap Oshun (hate the spelling) upside his head for his cockiness.

ps: OMG, you keep napkins in your pocket too? I always get made fun of by my "less than prepared" friends.

Love your blog!

David Dust said...

Thanks everybody!

Laura - you are right, the previews DID look pretty fierce.

Sailor - thanks for the "Jem" lesson. It sounds COMPLICATED.

Justin & Christopher - welcome!!!!

Mark in DE said...

Shear Genius should be the title of your blog! Seemingly without trying to reduce me to writhing fits of laughter with your words. Now, STOP THAT or I may be forced to marry you.

Kim Vo = Hot Tranny Mess
Rene Fris = Hot Sexy Mess
Jacklyn Smith = Hot Senior Mess

Mark :-)

SailorAlphaCentauri said...

Yes, Jem was a children's cartoon that played out like a soap opera.

I didn't know that there were any guys who carried napkins on them? I have a set in every coat in the house and it came in handy at an LL Cool J concert when the bathroom ran out of toilet paper (so it never hurts to be prepared).

David Dust said...

Sailor - Girl, I kill rainforests on a daily basis with all the paper towels/napkins/etc. that I use.

And you are right - people always make fun until they need one!

chef_the_city said...

can i just say... i heart heart heart you. i watched last night (b/c i knew you'd post) and you hit a lot of my main points...

oshun got on my nerves in approx 2.4 sec and i said to myself if this bitch doesn't get voted off tonight, i will NOT be able to watch until he does...
and the 'straight' guy who invoked 'hetero' ASAP... omg i was cackling at home and am so glad i was not alone! =D
and ok... rene. i did not watch SG last season, so had no idear who he was until watching two re-runs before last nights show. he has a heavy accent AND a lisp which is a super-bad combo. i was hoping he would be a nobody that was MIA in the new season, but alas. he actually has talent. sigh.
i can't say whether i will watch every ep or wait til later in the season when the trash has been thrown out, but i KNOW i will enjoy listening to what you have to say about it.
PS: got my 'culinary boner' tee in the mail yesterday... i get funny looks when i wear it out of the house. can't imagine why, LMAO. kisses!

fiberartist1 said...

● "And as we all know – because he’s black, he WILL be going home first – a la Top Chef (Nimma), Design Star (Scottie), and every horror movie ever made. Don’t call me a racist, bitches, this is a scientifical fact. Look it up."

You just crack me up!! It is a scientific fact - just watch any of those sci-fi shows. It is always the dude on the away team that has the different color uniform.

Love you!!

mistress maddie said...

Girl I do love this show alot.I don't know why because I have any idea about haircutting.And last years cast was way more interesting.But I agree with you Rene is down right hot,I would do him in aNew York minute,but he does need to keep his mouth shut!

haireality said...

Hey Dave

I'm jealous!!

Luv ya!

Curt said...

Rene said something? I couldn't hear it over the blue sweater. "Ding! Turkey's done!"

Jennie said...

I am amazed, AMAZED, that anyone would claim responsibility for Britney's hair. On television, no less. Apparently, they used his own gray matter to plump his lips. I hope to God he got a good discount.

Beth said...

Tranny, I love you. seriously. You are so good to me and FOR me...I just hope I can do the same for you some day, ya know?

I'm good....ornery as ever! ;)

Love you

Joy said...

I watched last season, but it's so much more fun to have your commentaries to go with it. I kept hoping you'd write something and you never fail to entertain! Wonderful!

Loved that, too, about the Dallas/Kayne connection! Perfect!

Jacklyn Smith is still beautiful and classy! She must have a painting in the attic getting older while she looks the same.

Timmy said...

I watched every episode last season and decided I wouldn't watch it this season and then it happened...

I tuned in for a peek and watched the whole thing. From the get go I figured Oshun was going home only because the editing made him look like he was all talk...and he was.

About the lesbian hair stylists, Daisy was in the final three last season. Una latina no less!

Rene Fris...oh my. Hot as hell but he needs to not speak. What grates on my nerves is him saying, "Hi. Hi." Reminds me of Fat Albert saying, "Hey. Hey. Hey." or was that Rerun's saying?

Jaclyn Smith. Texan you know. Good genes and good hair.

David Dust said...

Timmy -

Mama Bunny is a Texan (I'm sure I told you that 6 times already) - and she has great bones and GORGEOUS hair!

gyn said...

Dear David,

I don't watch Shear Genius but I'll be reading your blog because you always make me laugh out loud.

What do you think of calling the contestants "sheartestants"?

Kwana said...

Oh, David, how much do I heart you. I love how you picked up that that guy was the Kayne of the show. That is sooo true! It should be a fun season.

shirlsd said...

oh my god! YOU are freakin' hilarious. ... puffy lip special, scientifical fact, tranny mess (totally!), etc... ! i was about to write off the salontestants, but how wrong would that be?! HUGS & SMOOCHES to you!!! (from one of your loyal, west coast, dust bunny stalkers and buddy of sactofloyd!)

Renee said...

Rene Fris is hot but totally annoying. As Timmy said he needs to not speak. And change his name lol.

Tom Aloisi said...

"Blogging Shear Genius" isn't NEARLY bitchy enough to be entertaining for me. :-)

Joseph said...

I had watched the first season marathon all day before the premier of the new season (day one of the vacation requires nonstop reality tv watching).

I wasn't sure if I could stomach Rene say "Shake it" one more time. It's the catch phrase that makes no sense at all. At least with Tim Gunn, you get good phrases.

Anonymous said...

Drat, I thought he was saying 'shag it'...
Found a website -
>>René Fris became well-known in Denmark in his role as the well-styled and charming tv-host in TV3’s success series “The Fantastic Five”. In 2006 the expert hairdresser shared his experience with others in his books: “Mand – tæm din krop” (“Man – tame your body”) and “Kvinde – plej din krop” (“Women – take care of your body”) – guides to beauty culture from head to toe.<<

Tame it!

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