Thursday, October 16, 2008

Project Runway Season 5 Finale - "She's Pooping (near the) Fabric!"

On Part I of the Project Runway Finale, Tim went road trippin’ and so did JerHell – back home to his “love interest”. Read my recap HERE.

Flash forward to 3 days prior to the Bryant Park shows. Korto is lamenting the loss of her “Jerelly” (or is that “JerHelly”?) and Leanne comments about how noteworthy it is that three women have made it to the final. Although if Jerell had made it, there would still be three women competing. Let's be honest.

They head off to the "Saturn-BlueFly.Com-Brother-TRESemmé-L’OrealParis-DVFWomenIWantedToBecome®" Workspace.

Tim enters, congratulates Korto, Leanne, and Kenley (aka “Stankley”) and makes two announcements. First, they must edit their collections to show only ten looks. Second, they must go go go to their model castings ‘right now’!

The model castings were a perfect example of just how much of a letdown this episode (and entire season) was. There was no drama, no fireworks, and it was over in minutes. Even “Morganza”, Jay’s crackhead model from season one didn’t act a fool. Clean and sober must be boring - although Morgan DOES possess ‘fierce tallness and walks for days’. This season could have used a contestant like Christian Siriano…

Anywhoo, Korto looks for girls with lots of hair, because she is putting “big Asian buns” on her model’s heads. I wonder which Asian Buns she will use?...

Steamed? …

Or Baked? …

I prefer baked, myself. And you can get them for less than $1 in Chinatown so they won’t break Korto’s hair accessories budget. Great idea.

Back in the workspace, Tim does his very last visit/critique and starts with Kenley. Tim still no likee the ropes Kenley is using, which he says “strangles” the look. Stankley disagrees, natch.

Okay, the ropes weren’t quite as bad as that. Tim also questions Kenley about using the McQueen “knock-off” wedding dress as her signature look – the judges won’t want to see it again. Then Kenley channels George W. Bush and spouts some stank about being the designer and “The Decider”. Tim says “all right…” and rolls his eyes as he walks away. That single eye-roll could have been my recap of this entire season.

Next up is Korto, and Tim seems relieved just to speak to someone who’s not Kenley. Korto is ditching the bridesmaid’s dress that the judges hated during the last episode. But she loves her wedding dress (which the judges also didn’t like – and neither does Tim). Tim tells her to think about it.

Tim then chats with Leanne and takes a look at her architectural (“Foldy”) collection. Leanne wants to ditch a foldy blouse, but then she would have to ditch her only pair of foldy pants. Tim likee the foldypants and advises that she find a way to keep them in the collection.

As Tim prepares to leave, Kenley calls him back over and tells him she will take Tim’s advice and have her model, Tuna Carpaccio, wear another look and not the Swan Lake wedding dress. Korto also considers Tim’s advice, and decides to create two new looks for her collection in what little time they have left.

The next day (2 days until Bryant Park) is “L’Oreal Commercial Day”, and makeup queen Collier Strong discusses blush, eye shadow, etc. How do you translate “foldy” into a makeup look?…

Next stop – model fittings, in which we see one of the skinny model’s pale white asses in a thong. Nasty. Yep, I’m still gay.

Stankley hates on Leanne a little by saying Leanne doesn’t know how to use color – which is “boring”. Leanne, on the other hand, call’s Kenley’s collection “Holly Hobbie” and describes it as a child let loose with magic markers on Stankley’s fabric. Even this little “stank-and-forth” fails to spice things up much.

Another day, another dollar (for Bravo). It’s now ONE day until Bryant Park, and it’s time for the TRESemmé commercial. The highlight of this was when Korto pulls out her various “Asian Buns” – which aren’t the Asian Buns I order with my Pork Chow Fun at all. They’re just boring old hair extensions that anyone can purchase at 'Buns R Us'. Or their rival – 'Hot Cross Buns' – located across the street.

The three finalists do last-minute alterations on their last evening before the show – and Leanne’s model Tia arrives with her little dog (Sophie). As Tia tries on one of Leanne’s foldy evening gowns, the dog craps on the floor. Wait a minute – I’ve changed my mind. Forget Tim’s eyeroll, Sophie taking a poop on the floor of the workroom sums up Project Runway Season 5 perfectly for me.

The next morning, back in the workroom, Tim does one last “gather round” and does his usual pep talk… “proud” … “biggest fashion stage in the world” … hug. Let’s move along Tim, the future President of the United States is debating some cranky old geezer on all the other channels, and I want to watch. Tim reveals the order of the show: Kenley, Korto, and then Leanne.

The following day is the obligatory ‘walk through the empty tent at Bryant Park and talk about how this is the biggest day of their lives’ moment … zzzzzzzzzzzzz. Although Stankley reveals that she tried to sneak into the tents last year and was promptly booted out. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. I would like to commend the security guard who dragged her pencil-skirt-wearing ass out and threw her onto Sixth Avenue. Priceless.

Wait, WTF is Kenley wearing on her head?!? It looks like something JerHell would come up with. In fact, I’m sure she stole his idea like she seems to steal from other designers. It’s similar to this…

Although not nearly as classy.

Kenley informs us that her parents will be attending the show, and cryptically talks about how they haven’t been a part of her life for three years. She again mentions her father, Captain Ahab, but does not mention her mother. I bet there’s a dramatic story in there somewhere – complete with screaming, shattered dreams, and thrown red lipsticks.

The show is getting ready to begin and the audience fills up the huge tent. There are many past Project Runway designers – including Stella and Christian! Wait, did I just see Top Chef’s Gail Simmons and her Boobies???!!!??? How are my girls doing?!? I’ll see the three of you in a couple of weeks.

Backstage, Kenley has decided that the people who are assigned to help her aren’t allowed to actually touch the clothes. So the helpers decide to stand around with folded arms and roll their eyes at Señorita Stank. But when Kenley needs help squeezing Tuna Carpaccio into her dress, she lets the lesbian-looking helper strong-arm the zipper pull. Lesbians are handy like that.

It’s time for the show, and Heidi comes out to introduce the judges – Michael Kors, Nina Garcia, and … wait, there’s an empty chair. Heidi announces that Jennifer Lopez was supposed to be the guest judge, but couldn’t make it due to a “foot injury”. But, as most of you know, this “foot injury” didn’t prevent Jenny From The Block from completing a Triathlon a few days later. Yeah – a TRIathlon. That’s three times harder than a single Athlon. Heidi and Nina have vowed to cut a bitch.

Anywhoo, Heidi announces that TIM GUNN will be the guest judge! Tim, who actually looks nervous walking onto the runway, promises to be impartial and unbiased. Stankley, who is watching on a monitor backstage, throws up a little in her mouth. “OK, maybe I should have improved my attitude”, she remarks. Karma is a bitch, isn’t it? When will they learn to treat Tim with the honor and respect he deserves?!?

Let’s start the show. For the first time ever, I am using a little device called the Fug-O-Meter. For each of the 10 looks that come down the runway, I will score them as either “Acceptable” or “Fugly” and determine the overall “FugScore”. High FugScores should determine the losers.

First up: Kenley. Three of her looks have been scored “Fugly” – giving her a FugScore of 30%. We see her parents in the audience, and I have to say – Captain Courageous is kinda hot. Kenley’s Mom reaches out to touch her daughter as she takes her bow, but the Stankster keeps on walking. Oh yeah, there’s a LONG and DRAMATIC story there…

Korto is next – looking cute and happy. She dedicates her collection to her adorable daughter, and I dedicate my undying love to her adorable husband. Keep me in mind as a backup Benny, just in case! Korto’s FugScore is 20% - better than Kenley’s.

Finally, we see Leanne’s Foldy collection. She too gets a 20% FugScore – although one of her “alienish” models was so fugly I almost penalized the garment. That means Leanne and Korto are tied – but only one can win. So much for the Fug-O-Meter.

Backstage, the press is swarming and past designers are predicting winners. Daniel “High End Glamour” Feld still thinks Kenley should win, even though she laughed at him on the runway, and talked about him behind his back. Face it Daniel, she’s just not that into you. Now go hump on Wesley and shut your trap.

Back to Parsons for the judging. They call out Kenley on the similarity between her painted silk dress and a past Balenciaga (go to our good friends at Blogging Project Runway HERE to judge for yourself). Stankley decides that “maybe I need to do some research”. Yeah, and maybe you need to change your attitude, and maybe you need to be friendly to others, and maybe you need to get out of that 40’s vibe, and maybe you should be nice to your mother. Being a copycat is the least of your problems. Just saying.

The judges likee Korto’s “cohesive” collection – but Heidi calls Korto out on the fact that some of her looks seem “overworked”. Korto starts crying. Maybe I should have used the 'Sob-O-Meter'.

Michael Kors really likee Leanne’s petal-like collection – but doesn’t want her to turn into “Petals Marshall”, which sounds like a sad and over-the-hill stripper. I think Leanne’s stripper name should be “Foldy McFolderson”, but what do I know?

Hey judges!! Obama and McCain are debating about the future of our nation on every channel except Bravo – could we move this along?...

The judges discuss amongst themselves. When did Heidi start pronouncing the word “ideas” as “idears”, like someone from the Boogie-Down Bronx?

Time for the results. Kenley is out and she is devastated. Fittingly, one of her final words of the season is “bullshit”. Do you kiss your Mother with that mouth?!? Oh. Nevermind.

It’s between Leanne and Korto – and Leanne wins the fifth season of Project Runway. But then again, I’ve know that since September 17 (click HERE). Leanne receives a new Saturn, $100,000, etc… Congratulations Leanne. Wait – which white girl is she again???

Well, that’s it folks. Project Runway as we know it is over. I have read that even if NBC Universal wins their lawsuit to prevent Lifetime from getting the show, Project Runway will NOT come back to Bravo. It would air on NBC itself (or another NBC cable station) because Harvey Weinstein and the powers-that-be at Bravo can no longer stand each other. Thanks for messing up a good thing, Harvey!!

I am taking a couple of weeks off from recapping, and will resume with Top Chef on November 12. Till then bitches!!


Dagny said...

OMG!!! When I saw that thing on Stankley's head, I thought, "How did Stankley steal that from Jerhell's collection?" I was also quite pleased when they announced that Tim was the guest judge. I danced around the living room, screaming, "Ha bitch! Teach you to act all stank with Tim."

I think the cats enjoyed my reaction to the show much more than they did the show itself.

Tivo Mom said...

You deserve a break. To take last nights show and try to make it funny; well that just took a lot of energy and too much thinking. But I will commend you for making me smile on what has proven to be a rather silly and stupid season. Now go campaign and I cannot wait until Top Chef.

Beth said...

BORING!!! NO DRAMA!! and Leanne is such a stoner! But's over. They didn't go our with a bang, like usual tho. Now on to LIfetime...ZZZZZZZZZZZZ

frogponder said...

Whew! It's over! Rest your weary keyboard. Quality work.

Laura K said...

Thank you, David for your thoroughly entertaining recaps this season! You deserve a break, but can I just try to convince you to watch Stylista? It's next Wednesday night on the CW. Pretty please?!?!?

David Dust said...

Thanks everyone - this episode was a BITCH to make funny.

Darling Laura - I remember you mentioning Stylista during our recent lunch. I have decided to adhere to a "only one recap per week" rule - and I don't want to interfere with Top Chef. After all, this is my absolute busiest time of the year (Holiday Parties, etc).

But you know me, I'll take a look and see what happens.


Jimbo said...

Excellent job recapping this season of PR, David. I can't wait for Top Chef to begin, looking forward to your clever way of delivering the goods. About the show, that is. ;)

mistress maddie said...

The only piece Stankley designed that I liked was the long black number with the high neck and that was it. I was hoping Korto or Leanne would win. Enjoy your break tootes!

theminx said...

I thought Leanne's extra-scary alien model looked a bit like Gollum. ::shudder::

Those bao photos made me hungry. I need dim sum soon!

Here's my final recap of the season. Not really sad to see it over...and looking forward to Top Chef!


Mark in DE said...

Great job, David! You even managed to make a lack-luster finale funny. I'll miss your recaps until the next season of Project Runway begins. (I don't watch Top Chef because I don't really cook, and therefore don't really care.)

Mark :-)

Timmy said...

I love the Asian buns pictorial!

Kwana said...

Applause, applause!! I think Korto should have won though.

You've made this season for me David. Thank you.

Alpha Omega said...

Thank you for all that you do. I have woken up my partner many times laughing at your comments.

Kudos to you!!!

Renee said...

Korto was robbed.

Thanks for the recap David. :-)

chef_the_city said...

as usual, i am the one person who liked kenley, not just here, but in youtube comments, too, LOL. the bottom line is that i think kenley has "the fire" and will continue to design and create regardless of circumstances. i like kenley, and i hope that someone out there recognized her talent and will give her an opportunity somewhere.

i like david's fug-0-meter, and i have a metric system of my own... it's called the how-bad-do-i-wish-i-were-a-skinny-bitch-just-so-i-could-wear-that... ... -0-meter. LOL. not funny, i know, but whatevs. mccain laughs at his own jokes, too! =) anyway, the point that i am trying to make is that although there are one or two looks from korto & leanne that score high on my meter (green halter dress, those high-waisted slacks, the taupe foldy dress), kenley's collection had my meter buzzing all over the place. essentially, i would like to *BE* the girl from her collection's 'story'... not so much w/ leanne or korto.

so whatevs. the lone kenley fan can shut up now since the season is over. and i don't give a shit what channel it comes back on, just so long as PR comes back on. ^_^

Marker said...

Ha-Ha (in kid from Simpsons voice) . . . the judges picked Leeanne and it made Stankley cry and whine! Yay! I pray to Thor that I never ever have to hear her fucked-up whiny, fake accent voice again.

(Was her dad hot?)

Joy said...

I am so glad Stankley came in third! I never want to hear her voice again. I'm sure you're right about Kenley and her mother. I noticed that, too.

Loved your recap! You are able to work miracles!

I'm glad you're taking a vacation from this for your sake!

Cliff O'Neill said...

Marvy recap, David!

First, the ropes. What the hell was it with those and wherever did you find a picture of that thang?

Second, Kenley The Decider. Glad I'm not the ONLY person who's discovered the uncomfortable nexus between Kenley and the Still-President.

Third, Daddy Kenley. Yes, much hot.

Lastly, Foldy McFolderson. Haaa!


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