Thursday, June 11, 2009

Top Chef Masters - Ep. 1 - Excuse Me Mister, Who Let You Into My Dorm Room?


Top Chef Masters premiered last night – and I must say, it was enjoyable. It wasn’t life-changing (like RuPaul’s Drag Race) or joyfully squeal-inducing (like Glee) – but it was an entertaining hour of television.

TC Masters is a little different from the regular Top Chef. First of all, since these Chefs already have successful careers – it doesn’t seem likely they would do anything on TV to damage their livelihoods. Thus, things like punching lockers, sabotaging ovens/burners, and picking fights with Lesbians seem out of the question on Top Chef Masters. But never say never…

Secondly, with only four Cheftestants competing each week, there are fewer opportunities for drama/mishaps/etc. Let’s face it, when you have 16 douchenozzles fresh out of culinary school, at least 5 of them are going to use frozen scallops or will screw up soufflé. The four professional Chefs last night were just that … professional.

So, although there weren’t any real fireworks, the show was still recap-worthy. So here it goes...

It’s morning in Los Angeles, and hostess Kelly “I’m not Padma” Choi fills us in on what the Cheftestants are playing for: prizes for themselves and money for a charity of their choice. Blah blah blah. Kelly kept talking, but all I could think about is how much she looks like a Tranny from Singapore …


One-by-one the Cheftestants enter the Top Chef Kitchen – WEST SIIIIIIIDE version. First to arrive is Michael Schlow, who is from Boston and specializes in Italian…


Next up is Frenchie Hubert Keller, who looks like he could be a Pirate if he wasn’t cooking…


Third we have NYC Chef Christopher Lee. CHRISTOPHER LEE IS THE CHUBBY DADDY OF MY DREAMS. I can just imagine him coming home to our apartment late at night – smelling like onions and beef stock – bearing leftovers from the night’s dinner service. As he enters the dimly-lit bedroom, I say “Put that food away Daddy – I’ve got some REAL work for you to do”. And then I grab him by the chef’s coat and …


Sorry, I got carried away. I think Mr. Lee is cute. ‘Nuff said.

Lastly we have former porn star Tim Love. Well, actually I don’t know if he was really a porn star – but he certainly has a good name for it. I DO know, however, that Tim Love is from Texas – because he wears a cowboy hat in the kitchen…


Texas Tim – who is required by Texas Statute #853-501, Section T (for Texas!) that he uses the word “Texas” every 18 seconds, says “I’m just a punk from Texas” He goes on to say that he hasn’t really studied to be a Chef, or worked in any established restaurants, or worked for any established Chefs. Sounds like a man trying to escape from his porn past to me. Now that I think about it, he does resemble the guy who played “Hank” in “Billy’s Branding Iron” back in the early 90’s. He had quite a lasso…

Anywhore, Kelly enters the kitchen and greets the Chefs. She explains that on TC Masters, the Quickfire challenges will all be resurrected from past seasons of Top Chef. For the first Quickfire, the Chefs will create desserts for a group of Girl Scouts. And yes, even these professional Chefs hate making desserts.

The Cheftestants scramble to prepare their desserts. Michael Schlow decides to prepare some candies to “impress the girls”. But things don’t seem to work out too well, and he ends up plating a gooey mess of chocolate and whipped cream. I highly double the girls will be impressed.

Texas Tim is all about strawberries, and is doing “Strawberries – Three Ways” for the girls. Yep, he’s been in porn…

Tranny Kelly calls time, and it’s time for the Girl Scouts to judge.

Of the four Girl Scouts, one of them – the redhead – is the most “opinionated”. In fact, these grown men seem a little intimated by her criticism. I, however, think the girl was simply drunk and full of cocaine. Here she is…


Mean Girl!!

The girls like Hubert Keller’s FANTASIA EXTRAVAGANZA dessert (with Swans and Mice and Custard … OH MY!) the best. On Top Chef Masters they use some kind of star system, and Frenchie gets the most stars. Whatevs.

And even though I hate French Toast, Christopher Lee could dip his Challah bread into my egg batter any day of the week. What? Too much?!?... Sorry.

Kelly tells the Chefs they will be “going back to school” for the elimination challenge. They will have to create a three-course meal using only a toaster oven, a microwave, and a hot plate – the Holy Trinity of college cooking. They will be judged by the esteemed judging panel and a handful of college students.

But first, they go to Whole Foods for shopping. Christopher Lee is cooking pork chops (I know there’s a dirty joke in there somewhere), Hubert looks CLUELESS (Chefs usually get their stuff delivered to them), and Texas Tim is looking to make chili. Because he’s from Texas.

Everyone returns to the Top Chef Kitchen and they put their crap away for the evening.

The next morning they return to the Kitchen, and Big Tex finds out he put his stuff in the FREEZER, not the cooler. Everything (including his fresh vegetables) is frozen solid. Apparently everything’s bigger in Texas – except brain capacity. And don’t leave me nasty comments … and that means you Mom! (who happens to be from Texas).

The Chefs are driven to the college, and find out they will actually be preparing their meals in someone’s dorm room. As they are cooking, the college students stop by their rooms to say hello and sample the food. Michael Schlow states that he likes the idea of cooking for college students, because their “palettes are just emerging”. WTF? At Penn State my college buddies would take bets on how many servings of turkey and stuffing I would eat on "Turkey Night". So if that's what he means by "emerging palettes", then I agree.

Anywhoo, the Chefs scramble to create their three courses. Hubert makes macaroni and cheese – but doesn’t have anywhere to drain and rinse the pasta. So he heads to the showers, which is just nasty.


If Hubert would have actually gone to college, there is no way he would have prepared food in a dorm bathroom. Please wait while I go bathe in Purell…

Ok, I’m back. We see the college student judges being seated – followed by the real judges. The Chef’s enter the “dining room”, and immediately notice Gael Greene. For years, while she was a food critic, Greene would disguise herself using hats and wigs so she wouldn’t be recognized in the restaurants she was reviewing. Here is one of her better disguises…


Just kidding! Actually, GG is pretty fierce (she once hooked up with Elvis – true story). And ever since she got fired from New York Magazine (after 40 years – damn economy!), she has no problems showing her face. But she still loves the hats…


In fact, here is a picture of her home…


The second judge they introduce is James Oseland, the Editor-In-Chief of foodie bible, Saveur magazine…


I have to say, I simply LOVED his work in Revenge of the Nerds


Thirdly, there’s some British judge – Jay Raynor. Just as long as it’s not Toby Young, he’s A-OK in my book.

One-by-one the fancy-named dishes come out to be tasted. James Oseland remarks that Texas Tim’s faux chili (they didn’t have ground pork at Whole Foods) would be “great football-watching food”. And by “football-watching”, Miss Thang actually means “Dancing With The Stars-watching”.

The judges and students really likee the mac and cheese – because they haven’t been told it actually shared the same air molecules as sweaty college butts. When Chef Hubert does tell the judges how he prepared the pasta, I though prissy James Oseland was going to need his own Purell Bath.

The Chefs return to the kitchen (no Not-So-Glad Storage Room for these fancy bitches!) – and the judges discuss.

Here’s what is boils down to – they no likee Michael Schlow. They kinda likee Texas Tim. But it looks like the competition will be between my husband (Christopher Lee) and Frenchie Hubert Keller. In fact, James Oseland, while discussing Christopher’s Pork Chops, states “The meat … ah, the Angels sang!”. Hey, BACK IT UP AND AWAY FROM MY MAN, Beeyotch. If you so much as mention his delicious pork again, I will cut you.

Wait a second, Gael is also loving on my man - smiling and flirting with him! PUT A HAT ON IT, SISTER!

Time for the results. Stars are awarded zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. As I predicted, Michael is eliminated, followed by The Long Lone Ranger – leaving Christopher and Hubert. Hubert ends up with the most stars – and he is the winner of this round.

It’s all very friendly and non-confrontational – kind of like the show itself. I look forward to seeing what happens next week. In the meantime, I’ll be praying for a Lesbian fight.

23 comments:

MCWolfe said...

Oh, David, you have absolutely no idea how happy you made me with this recap. I've had a totally shitty week between work and kids plus the general drama of life and to click on your blog and see a recap was really more than I could hope for. Hilarious as always, particularly your affection for Chef Lee. Keep it up, please, so I can survive this summer.

SavoryTv said...

You are brutal! But I loved it :)

Chris said...

Christopher Lee is MY name.

Howard said...

Hubert can be my daddy.

David Dust said...

Chris -

I was going to say something dirty, and then I remembered that you were still in High School and people already think I'm a horrible perve.

So I'll just say this: stay in school, keep away from the drugs, and don't take any wooden nickels.

XOXOXO

jsywilson said...

This is a fun little non confrontational show. Cute challenges although I'm a little bitter because at my college we are only allowed microwaves. Hot plates and toaster ovens are a sure fire way to get written up.

Kyle/thebookpolice said...

Oseland looked he was about to come down with the vapors as he thought about that shower noodle rinse.

All Bunnies welcome at my recap!

Berry Blog said...

David I wondered last night if you were watching.I enjoyed the show but your post is better. Those little girl scouts reminded me of the bitchy one Carol Burnett played. They knew their minds, didn't they?
thanks for taking up this project.
xoxoxo Charlie

Kailyn said...

I have been wanting to go to Fleur de Lys for years but the idea that only the person paying has prices on his/her menu is a little frightening. But I'd be willing to go if Howard, my personal photographer, were here so that we could hopefully catch a glimpse of Hubert. Who I hear is a really nice, accessible person.

Oh, and of course he won. He's appeared on past seasons of Top Chef while the others haven't.

frogponder said...

chortle! Excellent job as usual. Those people are nice, too nice!!

Timmy said...

I didn't get to watch the show. After reading this recap, I don't have to!

And damn you for not letting post a rebuttal to your Texas comment.

xoxo

Kwana said...

You are brilliant. You made this so much better than the show. You really need to be paid for this dear David.

Psychomom said...

Darn you Howard, I was gonna snag Hubert as my old man DJ/Chef/Shower-mate.

Brandon said...

I love the show, but I miss my Padma.

Joy said...

I really liked it. It was fun to see the camaraderie and support the chefs had for each other. They are all pros and "made it work" when faced with problems. It gave us an insight into their personalities and creativity.

I LOVE Hubert!!! Oh my! I'll say no more!!!

Excellent recap! I had no idea you'd write one and am so excited that you did! Thank you! It was tres entertaining!

xoxoxoxoxo

Stephen said...

I know! New York got rid of John Simon & GG... a disappointing state of affairs.
Funny post! I DVRed it, but not watched...thanks for the preview.
Have a great weekend.

theminx said...

That St Bernard is the spitting image of sluterrific Gael Greene.(I read her autobiography and had to bathe in Purell afterwards. Ick.)

Next week's episode has a lesbian chef! Not sure how much she likes a good fight though.

xoxoxoxoxoxoxox

William said...

Miss Thang actually means “Dancing With The Stars-watching”.

I know! He kept foolishly saying that. This is Bravo, chef, not ESPN.

Kit Pollard said...

Awesome recap - I love it. I'm only sorry for you that there's no more Christopher Lee.

And Gael Greene - she IS fierce. Have you read her memoir, Insatiable? She is quite a woman, I tell you.

Howard said...

Kailyn, I would love to join you at any restaurant and take any pictures you'd like! And we can try to catch Garrin Benfeild in concert while I am there.

mikeinbama said...

Great Recap! I thought Tim Love was very sexy. Maybe it was the Texas things but he was looking hot in those jeans and the bow legs.

It looks like it's goiong to be a good show.

Mark in DE said...

As usual, you did a top-notch job of recapping Top Chef masters. Likely the funniest thing I've heard or read this year is:

"And even though I hate French Toast, Christopher Lee could dip his Challah bread into my egg batter any day of the week."

This LITERALLY had me LOL, for several minutes!!

Joy said...

Have any of you seen The Cleaner. Benjamin Bratt is in it and quite nice to watch, but not as much as Jimmy Smits.

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