Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Chef Academy - Episode 1 - Style & Glamour With Suzanne

So, as I blogged about yesterday, Bravo premiered their latest docu-competition-reality-cooking show last night – Chef Academy. Or, as I prefer to call it – Kitchen Tool Academy.

Generally, I liked it – although it was a little disjointed. Is the main purpose for these people to compete – or were they just there to learn? And I thought it was bizarre that some of the students didn’t seem to have much cooking experience at all – and others had years of experience. Weird.

However, the show did have some strong points … for me, anyway. I though Chef Novelli came across as being much more likeable than I expected – especially for a French dude. And, as I mentioned yesterday, for the most part the male students were easy on the eyes.

But the main thing I fell in love with last night was Suzanne (below). Suzanne, in the immortal words of Steel Magnolias Truvy Jones, is “just too cha-cha for words” and is the epitome of style and glamour. Learn it...

So here’s the deal – I’m going to do a quick mini-recap of last night’s pilot episode – although this is by no means a promise to do so every week. One last disclaimer – I usually have to watch a show twice to get accurate enough notes for a good recap – but last night I only saw the episode once. So please excuse any and all factual errors.

First of all, I turned on the show a couple of minutes late – but I quickly figured out that Chef Jean Cristophe Novelli had landed in Los Angeles (with his big-boobied fiancée) in order to start the Chef Academy. Novelli was provided with a Main Gay named Joel who “can’t cut an onion” and kept calling his boss “sir” – which pissed Novelli off. Novelli later made Joel sniff his cheese back at the hotel room. Yes, you heard me correctly. And I think Joel LIKED IT. A lot.

Anywhore, after the cheese had been sniffed, the next order of business was rounding up some Tools students for the Academy.

The potential students arrive one-by-one. Kyle, 28, works as a sous chef and considers himself “an artist” with food – but wants to learn more. Leo studied in Italy and did private parties in NYC. Kup (below) was a cook on a submarine for the Navy and is from my home state of Pennsylvania (complete with a PA accent). He also has tattoos and decent-sized arms. Hot....

Finally we have Emmanuel (below) – who is a sexy French dude, much like Novelli. Except Emmanuel walks, talks, acts and looks like he is stoned outta his gourd. You know what they say … if it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck…

There are also some women on the show – but they all pale in comparison to Cha Cha Suzanne. Suzanne is big and blond and has boobies for days. And she’s always carrying baskets full of goodies (or something). And, btw, she used to work for NASA. I’m sure NOT as a rocket scientist – but even NASA needs someone to fetch coffee, make photocopies, and bring the SEXAY to the office each morning.

During the interviews Chef Novelli and his right-hand man “Steven Kitchen” – NOT a typo - make the interviewees cook an egg. Some do really well, some are very nervous, and some have a huge HUEVO FAIL on national television. Novelli provides helpful(?) feedback … “Zis is fabooluss” and “Even Stevie Wonder would smell dat!”. BTW, I had no idea Stevie had issues with his sense of smell – but apparently Novelli has insider information.

And then came Cha-Cha Suzanne. Girlfriend cooked something (I didn’t write it in my notes) – but then she decided to serve her eggs with a French newspaper and some booze. As I said, Suzanne is all about style and glamour. Novelli wasn’t that impressed, but in the end Suzanne was picked as one of the 9 students. Novelli, obviously, liked her boobies stylish glamour.

Here’s one of the parts that puzzled me. Now that Novelli, Mr. Kitchen, and Big Gay Joel had 9 students – THEN they decided to look for a place to actually house the Chef Academy. Um, don’t you think you should sign a lease before you start accepting students?!? Just saying…

They find a very modern-looking place to house the Academy, and the students arrive one by one. We meet Tracie (who seems funny and likeable), Carissa (who is engaged and does a funny impersonation of her mother-in-law), and Zoë (who went to culinary school and seems talented). We also meet Sarah, although I can’t remember one damn thing about her.

When Cha-Cha Suzanne walks in (carrying her glamourous wicker baskets) she hugs a surprised Zoë – who makes the comment that she immediately likes Suzanne because she’s “a Dolly Parton fan”. Dolly Parton = Style + Glamour. This is known fact.

Novelli greets the students and says he is there to transform them into “extraordinary” chefs. Novelli then asks each of them to make a signature dish.

Kyle makes fois gras and Zoë does lobster. This immediately intimidates my girl Suzanne. “I’m a civilian … film at eleven!”, she exclaims. I’m not quite sure what that means, but I’m sure it had everything to do with glamour and style.

The rest of the students cook their dishes. Emmanuel “Cheech” Marin slowly cooks his Quiche and Parfait – and only completes the Parfait. Oh, and he cut his finger in the process – but I’m sure he felt no pain. Dude!

Leo cooked some dry-ass chicken, and cute Kup prepared Pennsylvania mushrooms (although I think stoner Emmanuel was popping some mushrooms of his own). Tracie cooked simple mac and cheese and Carissa continued to make fun of her future mother-in-law while she prepared her risotto dish. Btw, based on her impression, Carissa’s mother in law is Jewish and smokes 3 packs a day.

Finally, it is Cha-Cha Suzanne’s turn. She makes some kind of Swedish crepe/pancake/thingy called Plutter – and when she presented it to Novelli, Suzanne (unknowingly?) talked to him with a weird (but extremely glamorous) accent. Well played.

Finally, Novelli announces the losers - Cute Kup, Leo, and Clarissa (who had a hair in her dish). But the overall winner ended up being …

CHA CHA SUZANNE!! Her Plutter made him plotz!

Next week the true test begins. If any student fails 3 challenges – they are sent home. As long as Cha-Cha Suzanne remains, I’ll keep watching.

So, did anyone else watch last night? What did you think?


Guardian Hearts said...

I did! It was fab! :D Love Suzanne and hope she'll stay till the end. She was so refreshing.
Also I'm very curious about the whole "porn star" thing - anyone recognize someone from the guys as "guilty"? ;)

David Dust said...

Guardian Hearts -

Porn Stars?!? I didn't hear anything about that ... but now I'm curious.

Gotta get on The Google ...


Cliff O'Neill said...

After four minutes, I swore I'd turn it off. But the "students" made it vaguely interesting.

Overall, it struck me as another one of these shitty "follow horrible people around with a camera" Bravo shows, only with the _suggestion_ that there's some _kind_ of _possible_ competition here.

Oh, and no doubt you've realized that Emmanuel is the former porn star/TV actor whose past was revealed on the last reality show on which he appeared, Keeping Up With The Big Ass Kardashians. His porn name was Jean Valjean and he was wont to diddle with ladies bottoms.

He looks much better now.

frogponder said...

“just too cha-cha for words”

LOLOLOL! We loves her too! We are also wont to stick around as long as she does. And maybe the 'Daughter-in-Law' too.

NicoleDunn said...

Love the article! And yes it was disjointed and I was confused in the beginning as well about why they were there! To learn or is it a competition?

Doug said...

Emmanuel is the porn star??? Damn. I was hoping it was Kup. So I wonder if that was Emmanuel's naked ass going up the stairs in the coming attractions at the end of the show.

Kailyn said...

I am surprised that you missed the porn star thing in the previews of upcoming shows. You must still be doing your cold cocktail.

I like the show for the eye candy.

Guardian Hearts said...

Cliff O'Neill, you just ruined it for some of us. :D Spoiler teller! :P

Cliff O'Neill said...

Oh dear. I really didn't think it was any kind of spoiler, since it's all over Bravo's web site with his name and you can see it's his picture they're pulling up on Google images in the preview (if you look REALLY closely).

In any case, sorry if this distressed.

Bob said...

Ah Emmanuel.
He was basting my chicken.
He was grilling my pork loin.
He was broiled, sauteed, marianted, seasoned, rubbed, oiled, iced, dipped, abttered, fried, greased, sauced and fricaseed me all over the place.

BTW what, um, is this show about.

Aaaaaah Emmanuel!


frogponder said...

Bob wrote >>
Ah Emmanuel.
He was basting my chicken.
He was grilling my pork loin....
BTW what, um, is this show about.<

Cooking, Bob, and I think, sex.

RedCedar said...

I watched & I liked it more than I expected to.

Novelli's been a guest judge on Top Chef, yes?

Miss Ginger Grant said...

Suzanne kinda made it seem like a cross between "Top Chef" and "the Real Housewives of Marin County"...
But I liked it... I will keep watching!

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