Thursday, February 19, 2009

Top Chef Episode Thirteen - The Return of Blondie and the Boobs

On last week’s episode of Top Chef, the Cheftestants catered the Last Supper in New York before moving to New Orleans for the Finale. Fabio, despite breaking his finger, won – and Skanky Leah was sent back to whatever Escort Service … sorry … RESTAURANT she was working at.

This week’s episode opens with scenes from the great city of New Orleans. The four Cheftestants arrive, hug, and head to the Houmas House Plantation outside of the city. In front of the plantation’s main house, Padma, Tom, and Emeril Lagasse greet the 4 finalists. Noticeably, there are only 3 workstations for the Quickfire Challenge.

Padma informs the remaining Cheftestants to relax – they WON’T be cooking – but three other Chefs WILL be. Out of the house walks Jamie (and her tattoos), Jeff (and his hair), and Leah (and her Herpes medication). Leah immediately gives a suggestive glance to Hosea – it was subtle, but I managed to notice…

Padma informs everyone that Jamie, Jeff and Leah will be competing in a Crawfish Quickfire Challenge. They will have one hour to create their best Crawfish dish. The winner will get a second chance at making it to the Finale.

Leah decides to do a Gumbo – although she has never cooked Gumbo before. She has also never worked with Crawfish. Could someone please tell me WHAT Leah HAS done?!? Oh yeah….

Leah really should have spent more time practicing her craft. In the KITCHEN, anyway.

Jeff has quieted some of the many voices in his pretty head – and has decided to concentrate on ONE dish – Crawfish and Grits. Jamie is doing a Corncake with a Poached Egg and Crawfish Cream Sauce – hold the Scallops. They show Emeril watching all of this, Evita-style, from the mansion’s grand balcony before Padma tells everyone that time is up.

Emeril visits the three former losers. Leah, the culinary scholar, states “I made, like, a Crawfish Soup”. What happened to, like, Gumbo?? Jeff informs Emeril that he used some beer in his recipe (which Emeril seems to likee), and Jamie garnished her plate with a dead Crawfish. Because nothing says elegance like a dead crustacean.

Emeril announces that Jeff has won the Quickfire, and Padma informs Jeff that he must WIN the Elimination Challenge to remain in the competition. If Jeff wins, two of the final four will go home. If he does NOT win, Jeff and one of the final four will pack their knives and go.

The Cheftestants go to their hotel – the famed Monteleone – and break out some Champagne before getting ready for dinner at Emeril’s Delmonico restaurant.

At dinner, Carla is quiet and philosophical, Fabio is charming, Jeff keeps looking at his reflection in the shiny spoon, and Hosea and Stefan continue their ongoing dick-measuring contest. Between you and me, I bet they could SHARE one ruler and still have inches to spare. Stefan clarifies – “this is not a butt-rubbing contest”. Thank Goodness, because then Leah would have won it all.

The next day they take a pointless trip to Mardi Gras World – the huge warehouse where many of the floats from the various Mardi Gras parades are made and stored. Padma informs them that the Elimination Challenge will be to cater a Masquerade Ball for the Krewe of Orpheus tomorrow night. There will be 100 people, and it will be held at the New Orleans Museum of Art. They must create two dishes (one of them must be Creole), and one cocktail. They will have five hours to prep/cook at Emeril’s restaurant, and then one hour to set up at the museum.

Padma gives them a little extra incentive to win the challenge … "Tell them what they’re playing for, Johnny Gilbert … A NEW CAR!!!!”

Carla is ecstatic – so ecstatic that she pronounces “car” with two syllables (Fabio-style): “A ca - ar!”. Fabio eloquently informs us why he needs a new car – because his current car is a “piece of poo – oop”.

During one of those annoying between-the-commercials “vignettes”, we see the Cheftestants drinking back at the Hotel. Stefan recalls visiting Fabio at Halloween, and encountering a manly Italian in a blond wig…

It was enough to scare the hell out of poor Stefan.

Anywhore, the Cheftestants head over to Emeril’s restaurant the next day for prep. Fabio is impressed with the Emeril's setup. “This dude is-a faymoss”, Fabio says. “He has-a all kind of tools. He has-a da stove, he has-a da oven”. I’m no Chef, and I’m not a faymoss dude – but even I has-a da oven. It’s where I keep-a my pots and pans.

Carla is preparing an Oyster Stew – even though she only recently learned how to shuck Oysters. How many Oysters could a Hootie Hoo shuck, if a Hootie Hoo could shuck Oysters? We shall soon see.

Jeff’s many voices seem to have re-appeared, as he is creating a 17-part dish consisting of 3,853 individual ingredients. “It’s a lot of steps”, he states. No, blondie, Sylvester Stallone ran up a lot of steps in Rocky – YOU are trying to run up the Aztec Pyramid dedicated to the Sun God. Good luck with that.

Fabio, who is sporting the traditional Top Chef fauxhawk – as opposed to a blond wig – is making something that sounds like “Mack Truck” or “Big Mac” or “Mack Daddy”. Carla is talking to her Oysters – trying to get them to GO SHUCK THEMSELVES, I suppose. And Stefan isn’t cooking as much as he’s chain-smoking. And taunting Hosea with sausage/cock talk. Smoked sausage, I’m assuming.

Speaking of sausage, step # 1,381 in Jeff’s simple 3,853-step plan is making his own sausage. And only Jeff can stay this pretty while making sausage…

They pack up their crap and head to the Museum for set up. Their bartenders arrive, and the Chefs give them individual instructions. Fabio has pre-mixed everything, Carla is doing a non-alcoholic drink (since she doesn’t drink herself), and Stefan suggests they hurry up and get set up so they can go smoke. Hey, if he doesn’t become the Top Chef, Stefan could always be the Marlboro Man.

The judges arrived – in their masked finery. Emeril, Padma, Tom and … wait for it bitchesGAIL AND HER BOOBIES!! Let the GOOD TIMES ROLL!!! Gail looks rested, the girls look perky, and no one mentions AssHat Toby Young – it’s like he never existed. And all is right in my world.

The masked guests enter, and immediately start chowing down. The masks remind Fabio of an “old porn movie” (what kind of porn do they have in Italy?) – and he flirts with all the women. Some Queen, after tasting Fabio’s food, says it’s “like a parade in my mouth” – a scenario I’m sure Miss Thang will reenact somewhere on Bourbon Street later that evening.

All the big drunk gals are giving Carla the “Hootie Hoo” chant. Carla seems comfortable and confident – and tells us “it’s that love thing” that makes her food taste better. Emeril seems to really likee her food, and Gail raves about the “big and plump and juicy” oysters she got in her stew. Speaking of "big and plump and juicy" ... did I mention how much I missed Gail and her Boobies??

Service is over, and the Cheftestants head back to the Hotel Monteleone. Instead of a Storage Room, they hang out in the Not-So-Glad Hotel Room until Padma calls them all down for Judge’s Table.

The judges seem to likee Carla’s food. Gail said Carla's Beignet’s were “smoking hot!” and she could have popped them in her mouth all night. If Toby would have said that same shit I would have thrown a brick through my television. But when it comes out of Gail’s mouth, it’s covered in fairy dust and fabulousness.

The judges also seem to likee Hosea's food. According to Gail, his gumbo had the most developed flavor. And guess what, Gail made that statement without having to invoke a movie/actor/Elvis/toilet/drug kingpin analogy – like certain OTHER judges who no longer exist!

Finally, the judges also seemed to likee Jeff’s dishes. They definitely liked his cucumber mojito cocktail. But remember, Jeff has to be #1 to move into the final.

Team Europe doesn’t fare so well. Fabio’s drink was too sweet, and Stefan’s gumbo wasn’t as good as it could have been. Tom also calls out Stefan for being overconfident and even “cocky”. Unfortunately Stefan doesn’t hear this criticism, because he was in the Smoking Lounge at the time.

The Judge’s deliberate, make their decision, and call them all back in. The winner is Carla – she will be heading to the Finale. And she also wins A NEW CAR!!!

Unfortunately that means Jeff will be going back to the Dildo Beach club, where he belongs.

Hosea is also safe – which means either Stefan or Fabio will be going home…

“Fabio, please pack your knives and go.” Fabio leaves, and vows to “keek” Stefan’s ass if Stefan doesn’t win.

But don’t worry about our Italian Stallion. Something tells me we are going to see him on television soon. Let’s face it, he was MADE for TV. And, as Fabio himself said last night – “I didn’t came in dis cun-tree to be ava-rage”.

Next week – The Finale!!


Jimmy said...

I really thought Jeff would win given that the judges were impressed with the way he handled his sausage. Then both Euro-douches would have been cut. Jeff is one of those stoic blondes who are a blank slate when it comes to reading their emotions.

Bryant Park = Score!

Howard said...

You know I was more excited about seeing Jeff back on my TV than Gail and her Boobies, but both returning on the same show is like Heaven! Now, having you recap it all and I am beyond ecstatic!

This was a good episode, and a very good recap. I know it must have been tough for you, what with your bambino going home and all. I was kinda thinking that Stefan was getting the losers edit, and unsure if he was going to make it to the finale between ciggy-breaks.

Congratulations to Carla Hootie-Hoo! Nicely done, and way to peak at the right time. But couldn't you have done just a little less so I could have my pretty blond on for the last week?

I can't believe Stefan is falling apart and letting The Hose kick his ass in consecutive challenges. I thought Stefan was better than that. I have to admit I am a bit disappointed.

Goodbye and good luck [especially with that haircut], Fabio. You charmed the pants off Dust BunnyNation, who will follow you anywhere if you promise to return the favor.

Berry Blog said...

I missed it! I don't know what happened to me but I missed it. Scheduled for 8 tonight. It's kind of more fun to watch AFTER reading your recap.Lotta sausage and cock in this one huh? Looks like Stefan has reached his Peter principle.
Great job again, David.

mikeinbama said...

I was so happy Jeff didn't win. If I have to see that tool comb his hair back again with his fingers, I'm going to stab someone.

I'm happy for Carla. She has come on strong when it counts.

Stefan maybe giving them enough material to make himself look like a douchebag.

I'm going to miss Fabio and his broken english. I agree with you about Fabio being a star.

Hopefully Hosea caught a horrible case of crabs from Leah and will never be heard from again.

Great Recap!

Wonder Man said...

fabio's so cute...but my heart belongs to Jeff and Stefan

Psychomom said...

Hootie Fuckin' Hoot! You go Carla, you crack me up and I feel your love.

And Adios OH FABIO, I guess I can put my pants back on now that you are gone and back cooking with the wife (please stay out of her closet).

I guess I could learn to love Stefan who was growing on me (until last night). Cockiness only goes so far, you still have to put out the deliciousness.


MCWolfe said...

Fantastic recap, as always. I will sorely miss my boyfriend Fabio in the final/final but, based on comments in Tom Colicchio's blog on Bravo, he's got a tv show in his future. Let's hope he doesn't wear his Wonder Woman costume on it...

I agree completely that it was wonderful to see Gail and her boobies back. Do you think they brought the douchebag in just to make us appreciate her all the more when she returned?

And can I get a BIG "hootie hoo" for my girl Carla? I was really worried about her early on but clearly she was pacing herself.

You know, I only found your blog with this season of Top Chef but I'm already wondering how I will survive without your recaps.

Kailyn said...

Hootie hoo! That Carla is a crafty one. She had folks believing she was all kinds of crazy just so that they wouldn't know what hit them later. I kind of figured that the win was between Jeff and Carla. And a small part of me had hoped it would be Jeff just so that the Euros would be gone.

Oh, and Toby is stored away in my memory like that night at the club. Unfortunately there is photographic proof that he existed. As long as I don't watch reruns, I can pretend it never really happened though.

Kwana said...

Every time I saw Gail I thought of you blowing kisses at you TV. Didn't you love it when Carla cheered? I was cheering too. Buh-Bye Toby.

Loved the Sausage lady pic. I'm so mad that Stefan made it over Fabio. He annoyed me but grew on me in the end. I lo-ove him now and his crazy Eyes Wide Shut pornos.

I'm all for Carla all the way now!

chef_the_city said...

prepare for a looong long ramble... ready? OK!

first let me say that up until yesterday, i had not seen a majority of the eps. but since it's about that time, bravo is doing marathons, so i got to see most of the season before watching the part one of the season finale. it's different to watch it myself and get opinions of the people on my own, LOL, although no one sums it up better than mr. dust.

first, i think david has been WAY TOO NICE to leah ~ even in today's recap ~ god i hate that girl. she is the chick who goes to work in kitchens not b/c she likes to cook, but b/c she realizes how many cute boys work there and how FEW (straight) women do ~ perfect for a barely-talented attention whore such as herself. mostly when she does well, it is due to luck, not skill. secondly, carla has grown on me A LOT more than i expected... i hate watching a finale when i am not rooting for anyone, so i am glad to have found carla: better late than never. :))

now on to last night's ep...

i knew somet was wrong w/ stefan the second he complimented leah. sincerely. and in public. i was like "oh hells to the no ~ what happened to the stefan i loved to hate?!?" don't they go home for a few months before the finale? i think something happened, seriously. either he was offered a job, or the public opinion got to him or something, but the fire was certainly gone last night. this is the 2nd season in a row when the fave craps out right at the end. w/ blais, though, it was b/c he let nerves get to him & stopped going on instinct; stefan, on the other hand, seemed to have just given up completely. i am surprised he made it to be honest. i mean, an apple beignet? really? that's SOOO not stefan's style, esp just like... the beignet by itself! craziness.

carla has aged like a fine wine and def deserved to win the car and make it to the final final, but for me it was close between her and jeff... the icy blonde pulled the xfactor outta nowhere last night, LOL. i honestly thought he would win, though i must say i am SORTA glad he didn't only b/c i wanted one of the "real" contestants to win the car.

at this point, i have no idea who will win... i mean, as i said, i am rooting for carla b/c she got consistently better w/ each challenge and i actually like her quirky positivity... but she tends to do better w/ the specific requirements of the challenge than when she has to "calm the voices" and come up w/ her own plan. the hose is inconsistent, so there is no way of knowing how well he will or will not do. and stefan, well. who knows? if he does the same thing in the second part as he did last night, he won't win. but if he doesn't, he prob WILL win. it's a toughy.

hm... i prob shoulda just posted this on my own blog, huh? well, that wouldn't have been fun! =P

Beth said...

Stefan will win the whole she-bang!!!!

Miss Ginger Grant said...

Miss G loves you and your dear friend TrannyBeth, but she hopes you're wrong about Stefan winning. He's such an arrogant EuroTool!
More opines on my blog:

(How the hell do you put a link in a comment?!)

Miss Ginger Grant said...

Your Creole references were pretty much spot on! When describing a Mardi Gras group, you even got the "e" on the end of "Krewe". Unfortunately, it starts with a "K! Other than that, you were flawless! Love ya, baby!

David Dust said...

Miss G -

I changed the "C" to a "K" - thank you. And I'm a little embarrassed, considering you schooled us about Krewes recently.


frogponder said...

I knew you'd be happy about Gail :-)
So Hosea, Stefan and Carla.
You make my Thursdays.

Nanc Twop said...

Should we name
this new TC fan club
'Hootie Hooters'!?...

Carla wins & Gail returns!

So Here you go, David,
just in case you reopen
your Gail 'bonus' blog ;-)

Gail & her Hooties

Joy said...

"a pointless trip to Mardi Gras World"

I thought so, too.

I'm so glad Carla won and hope she wins the whole thing!! I hope Stefan doesn't. Miss Ginger was right about him on her blog when she wrote about how cold and soulless he seems. His arrogance has always been a turn-off to me.

I wish Fabio could have stayed and hope he gets his own show, so we can see him regularly.

Excellent recap!!! Excellent!!!


Margo said...

Outstanding recap!! Can't pick all my fav parts, but I loved your 3 thousand something ingredients for Jeff's dish and the pic of all the stairs. That, and Leah's, "I, like, made an oyster stew..." So exhausted tonight but I couldn't go to sleep without making sure to read your recap.

Bob said...

Jeff? He's so bland. I'm glad he was sent packing....AGAIN!
Fabio? That hair was a mistake but I can forgive a man almost anything if he has an accent.
Hosea? Just No. Go. Go.
Stefan? Cocky MoFo. Did not enjoy him, except hor his Hosea taunts.
Carla? Honey.....Yes.....yes. I am Team Hootie Hoo all the way. Bug-eyed crazy talk always gets me going!

Renee said...

Excellent recap David. The Leah pix! LMAO!

I was so happy that Carla won and that Gail is back. She looked absolutely stunning.

Carla or Stefan must win and beat the hose. We need to start the DBAH- Dust Bunnies Against Hoses.

kayce. said...

@renee: not sure i can get COMPLETELY on the dbah bandwagon... some hoses are very special to me! ;)

Kyle/thebookpolice said...

It's a happy world, that has no Toby Youngs in't. Let's hope it lasts through the finale and hell, into next season.

Click over for my totally zweet recap once you're done here, bunnies.

Jennie said...

Welcome back, Boobies (and Gail)! We missed you!

Tivo Mom said...

I could not believe that Jeff came back and that he did so well. I hate that Stefan was so cocky but he had to stay because he has done so well. Fabio and his English will be missed.

Garden Gal said...

David, another awesome, hilarious and totally crass TC recap!! I, again, bow to the master! I can't tell you how many times I LMFAO!

Thank you so much for the Insider Info you posted in the comments on my blog! So "snarky" as Tim would say about Kenley!

I also edited my TC recap and included a link to yours (even tho it will make me look bad - I can't compete with you)! Still I think my readers would enjoy your perspective.

Totally LOL'd at your comments on Jeff's waaay over-doing everything!!

I will miss Fabio, hope to see him on TV in the near future!

Hoping Carla wins and Stefan blows it, like Richard last season!

BTW, your readers are awesome too, such witty comments! You attract the best people!

Also, nice to know we're the same age. You make me feel younger!

Thanks again -- Kim

Anonymous said...

Hi to everybody and Duster Master

love the recap ;-)

It is Stefan here. There was not a negative comment about my food. Second this world has gone way to P.C. Im just honest and don't beat arround the bush. And some people can't take it and some do. Ask your self: What do you rather have somebody kissing your ass, or somebody beeing honest and telling you up front and not stabbing you in the back?? I don't Kiss peoples Butts anymore not worth my while. I love Fabio, Carla, Jamie, Leah and Hosea. All great chefs and will be great friends forever. We have a ski trip planned next month in Bolder with Hosea and the gang. And to all the people who are very negative about my CARACTER on a REALITY show. Please wake up it is TV LOL. Have fun and enjoy. And read all the other contestants Blogs we are all friends. So have a great rest of the week and hope when you see me in Santa Monica shake my hand, have a drink and you see who im ;-)

Best Stefan

Mark in DE said...

YAY Carla!!!

Sorry, Fabio.

kayce. said...

@stefan *raises hand* um... I said somet negative about your food. tho, to be fair, i did write a book up there and don't blame you for having missed it.

secondly, why not take the time to comment on why your attitude towards the competition changed so profoundly ~ that's what most people noted here ~ as opposed to attacking your audience?

furthermore, it wasn't just us, the people @ home, randomly interpreting one or two incidents: the judges noticed your change, too. besides, this is why people watch reality shows... you know that as a former audience member yourself (though i imagine that once someone is on a reality show, they never look at them the same again). don't tell me you didn't shit talk cheftestants while watching other top chef seasons, b/c i sooo won't believe a word of THAT.

as someone who also appreciates non-PC, no-bullshit communication, i say what i think ~ here in the comment section AND in "real" life ~ and unlike some others, i am not going to edit or tailor my thoughts on the eps simply b/c you read the recaps.

last but not least, i don't doubt you're a nice guy... david is honest w/ his dust bunnies, and he has nothing but nice things to say about you personally; i think most people here and in the rest of the tv-watching world realize reality shows only portray one-dimensional characters: PARTS of people, but not an entire picture. ttyl!

David Dust said...

Darling Kayce -

Not that I'm counting or anything, but that was your second use of the hated "Um" recently.

Not that I noticed...



kayce. said...

@david um... i use it for dramatic effect, obv! =D LOL. xoxox

Cliff O'Neill said...

¡Maravilloso, como siempre, chico!

So happy for the hootie hoo! So sad for the spicy meat-a-ball!

But the glory of seeing Gail again makes it all worthwhile!!

CLICK HERE for my Cliffieland recap.

theminx said...

I miss Fabio already. (sigh) He brought the funny to my recaps.


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