Tuesday, February 24, 2009

RuPaul's Drag Race - Episode 4 - I Laughed, I Cried, I Saw A Big Snake...

Last week on RuPaul’s Drag Race – Bebe chatted with Tori Spelling and won the "Oprah" challenge, while Akashia pretty much ignored Tori and was told to sashay away.

This week, the girls walk into the workroom and notice there are no mirrors – much to their horror. This must be like putting weightlifters in a gym with no dumbbells. Bitches are nervous. RuPaul enters and tells the Dragtestants they will be “doing” each other. Bitches are more nervous. Then Ru tells us they will be doing each other’s MAKEUP and not “Ki Ki” – pronounced “kai kai” – which is what they call two drag queens hooking up. This is also known as “OH MY GOD WHAT THE HELL IS THAT? I WANT TO LOOK AWAY BUT I CAN’T! GOOD GOD SHE HAS A BIG…” Who knew that a show about drag queens could be so edumacational?

Here are the pairings: Rebecca and Bebe; Shannel and Ongina; Jade and Nina.

They have 30 minutes to do their partner’s face – then they will switch. When the hour is over, RuPaul re-enters (with the hunky “Pit Crew”) and yells “Time’s Up!”. Speaking of the Pit Crew – these hotties don’t seem to have much of a purpose (kinda like the “models” on the Price is Right), but it just wouldn’t be the same without them. Here is Kenyon, one of the Crew…

Yum! RuPaul walks up to each girl and shows them their makeovers in a mirror. Ongina gave Shannel two sets of eyebrows for some reason, but Shannel does gorgeous work on Ongina. The other girls express varying degrees of “Oh no she di-int” looks on their faces.

Somehow Jade wins for her makeover of Nina Flowers – and Shannel is pissed.

RuPaul tells the remaining six girls about how she was the very first spokes-hooker for M.A.C.’s Viva Glam makeup line. One hundred percent of the profits for Viva Glam go to HIV/AIDS charity, and other spokeswhores have been Pamela Anderson and Linda Evangelista. So this is a big deal.

Their challenge this week will be to produce a 30-second spot entitled “I am a M.A.C. Viva Glam Woman Because…”. Each queen will have 10 minutes to shoot the spot, but Jade will have 15 minutes since she won the makeover challenge. Finally, RuPaul tells them that the judges will be looking for Charisma, Uniqueness, Nerve and Talent, as always.

The Dragtestants prepare for their promo spots. Rebecca thinks about how Viva Glam is “makeup with a purpose” for helping raise money for HIV/AIDS. Bebe, who is from the African nation of Cameroon, talks about the heavy toll the disease has taken on her native country. Nina Flowers, our tattooed Latina Mami, is worried because she “theenks” in Spanish and doesn’t always know how to express herself in “Eengleesh”. “Eets a real eechew”, she adds.

First up – Nina. Her lack of “Eengleesh” skills doesn’t seem to be that much of an “eechew” in this case. She does well.

Next up – Rebecca. She has started to think about her best friend who has HIV/AIDS and this affects her concentration. “Thinking is my worst enemy”, she says. That and razor burn, I would imagine.

Rebecca seems tongue-tied and gets flustered. Eventually, she walks off the set before using up her 10 minutes. Rebecca then runs into the ladies room and sobs about her dying friend.

Now either her castmates are some cold-hearted bitches, or they have already determined that Rebecca is a phony beeyotch and this is part of her strategy. None of the other girls seem to believe Rebecca's sob-sister act. Drag queens can be some tough bitches, that’s for sure.

Third up is Jade. Mami Cha-Cha is tripping over her words a little bit, and doesn’t seem to be as polished as the other girls.

Fourth is Bebe. She busts out in traditional African celebratory garb and gives an excellent presentation. This bitch is a star, I’m telling you.

Fifth is Ongina. She gives a perky and positive pitch, while using the Pit Crew to her advantage. “Hold that with your bicepness!”, she commands. Coincidentally, “bicepness” is a trait I happen to look for in a man.

Finally we have Shannel – who comes out looking like that bitchy Substitute Teacher we all had in grade school. Shannel then proceeds to give a 10 minute speech which begins with “It was the best of times, it was the worst of times …” or “Call me IshShannel…” or somesuch. Shannel proceedes to talk and talk and talk, until RuPaul stops her to explain that this wasn’t intended to be a 10 minute soliloquy about the life of a Vegas Show Queen. It is supposed to be a 30-second spot for M.A.C. Cosmetics. This screws up Shannel's plan, and she runs out of time.

The next day the Dragtestants get ready for the runway show and elimination. Because of her meltdown, Rebecca figures she’ll be in the bottom two. This inspires her, inexplicably, to put on Kiss band-member Paul Stanley’s makeup…

Don’t ask me why. I don’t read minds, I just write recaps.

RuPaul enters, gives us a twirl, and introduces the judges. In addition to regular judges Merle and Santino, we have M.A.C. Cosmetics executive Gordon Espinet and 90’s model (and rumored Madonna booty-call) Jenny Shimizu. Below is a pic of Santino and Jenny...

The bitches walk. Jade is trying to do dominatrix, but doesn’t pull it off. Bebe has on a wacky combination of outfits, but it works. Nina comes out sporting a flawless face, tattoos, and feathered gauntlets. Again, don’t ask ME why.

Ongina is her usual cute self – and Shannel comes out and JUGGLES on the runway. This bitch is a “one-man-band” in drag.

RuPaul announces that the winner of this challenge will actually become a M.A.C. Viva Glam spokesperson. Then she and the judges talk to the Dragtestants.

First up, Ru speaks to Jade. RuPaul has talked before about Jade’s difficulty in “tucking” everything she's got "down there". I have a feeling that RuPaul is a crotch-watcher like myself. If something is bulging, we’re going to spot it immediately.

RuPaul says she noticed that Jade was “adjusting her junk” before she came out on the runway. RuPaul then says she has a feeling it would be impossible to hide ALL of what Jade is carrying around. After all, Boy Jade is a cute Papi. In this David Dust EXCLUSIVE, I have found a picture of Jade out of drag…

Yeah, I would imagine that’s pretty hard to hide.

The judges speak to the other girls, and then let them go backstage while they discuss. Jenny Shimizu loves Ongina, and says she would have done coke in the 90’s with Bebe. Or maybe Jenny was just trying to score an eight-ball, I couldn’t tell. Again, I just report the facts, bitches.

The judges seemed not to likee Rebecca and Shannel. They also didn’t likee Jade – and RuPaul remarks that there are “still a lot of snakes on this mother-fucking plane” in reference to Jade’s bulging tuck. I almost peed myself right on my living room couch. “Is that a snake in your pants, or are you just happy to see RuPaul?...”

The judges seem to likee Ongina, Nina, and Bebe. All six girls are called back out onstage for the results.

Nina and Bebe are safe. Ongina is declared the winner, and immediately begins to sob uncontrollably. At first everyone thinks that she is just happy to be the winner, but then she admits to RuPaul and to the world that she has been living with HIV, and was too afraid to tell her parents. After laughing uncontrollably a few minutes before, I cried like a baby. I swear, no “reality” show has ever touched me quite like that moment did.

RuPaul, always a positive force of energy, tells Ongina that she loves her – and tells the other girls that “You are all sisters – we are all family”, and asks them to pull together and support each other. You have to be proud of this little show for treating something so serious with love and dignity – and not exploiting it. Let’s face it, they didn’t even tease a “dramatic twist” in the promos – so this truly came as a surprise.

Ongina pulls herself together and accepts the win. Shannel is also safe, so Rebecca (from the Kiss Army), and Jade (with the bulging pinga) will lip synch for their lives.

They perform “Would I Lie to You?” by the Eurythmics, and frankly I don’t think either of them did that great. I knew the words better than they did. Then again, these young bitches were probably 9-years-old when that song came out.

RuPaul makes her decision, and Jade is told to sashay away. Jade, in her exit interview, eloquently states “This is fucking bullshit”.

Hmmmmmm. Latino?... check. Big “snake”?... check. Cute?... check. Curses like a Sailor?... check. …

Jade, my email address is daviddust@gmail.com. Holla at me anytime, Big Guy...

Next week – the girls do makeovers on Lesbians!!!


Howard said...

While I, too, was suitably impressed by Jade's inability to to defy the law of physics and effect a tuck, I was not impressed by Rebecca at all. Like Jace, I call 'Bullshit!'

I also laughed out loud at the comment out weightlifters with no dumbbells in a gym - and oxymoron waiting to happen. LOL

Ultimately, I love watching this show, but still can't figure out why they bother to have Santino - or pretty much any of the guest judges show up if we aren't hearing their inherent bitchiness. That confuses me.

Neither Jade or Rebecca lip-synced worth a damn, so I was thinking bad makeup mattered, but I was wrong.

And Shannel shows her ass so often, why make matters worse by showing her 'real' one on the runway? Couldn't Ru just send Rebecca and Shannel away and let Jade stay for another week? 'Cause we know those bitches are leaving next.

Psychomom said...

Dang, I missed it again, they need to replay it over and over like those hos at Bravo. But I had a young, buff papi I needed to attend to so I had a very good excuse.

You are such a good influence, (Cougar) ROAR!

Amber LeMay said...

I liked Jade and thought she was screwed by the Judges... But, that's what we're talking about... this show does work itself well.

mikeinbama said...

Great Recap and great show. I was completely blown away by Ongina and his admission of living with HIV. I assume that once he finally spoke his truth, the burden of carrying it around finally poured out. It was a great moment.

Berry Blog said...

WONDERFUL recap. of course I was in the dark at the time and missed all the snakes.

Beth said...




that IS BIG!!!!!

Kailyn said...

Thanks for the photo. Junk like that should not be hidden.

Oh and I too cried.

Mark in DE said...

Terrific recap! You and Ru crack me up!

Wonder Man said...

my heart goes out to Ongina

mistress maddie said...

Last night did not disappoint! I don't know how long Shannel can hang on. I would think she may be next after Jade. The real battle will be between Nina,Bebe,and Ongina I think. And I too got teary eyed bt the revelation. That was powerful! And I 'm glad they didn't exploit it. That is class.

Joy said...

"Finally we have Shannel – who comes out looking like that bitchy Substitute Teacher we all had in grade school. Shannel then proceeds to give a 10 minute speech which begins with “It was the best of times, it was the worst of times …” or “Call me IshShannel…” or somesuch."

Hilarious!!! Loved this recap!!

Also loved the snake hiding part and all that. Way too funny!

They did handle Ongina and her confession well. I felt so sad for her. RuPaul has class and sets the tone for that show. I cried, too.

Psychomom, it will be on again Saturday night and some other times, too.

Hope you hear from Jade soon, DD!

theminx said...

Heck, I cried just reading your recap.


Mechadude2001 said...

Jade is fine! So is pit crew member Kenyon.

C'est moi, c'est moi Lola said...

Santino & Jenny, meet Captain & Tennille....

The Snakes on a Plane line made me laugh so hard! But if it's too big to tuck, well god bless her it's too big to tuck.

Shannell - well, I think she just tries too hard. And her outfit was like a Bob Mackie moment for me, except Bob Mackie kept the T&A covered, generally.

Love your commentary David!

Anonymous said...

“still a lot of snakes on this mother-fucking plane” I admit, I did pee, just a bit. I love Ru-Paul. Thank -you for the link! I'm really enjoying this show.

Miss Ginger Grant said...

I've been scrolling past your recap for three days and I finally got to watch the episode!
Ongina's teary moment was touching, and had me sobbing like a baby! For some reason, I didn't so much buy Rebecca's sorrow. Call it intuition. Ongie totally deserved the win. Each week RuPaul does something that makes me say to myself "damn, she's on classy drag queen!"
I think Jade is a cutie, too! Maybe I can get me some Ki Ki!!

Anonymous said...

I never truly knew how much of a fag hag I was until I watched this episode. When Ru explained Ki Ki, I looked over at my chihuahua Kiki and was like " I had no idea!"

I guess naming my next pet Glory Hole wouldn't be a good idea either, eh?


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