Thursday, February 12, 2009

Top Chef Episode Twelve - The Skank Must Go

First of all, I have to tell you that I’m writing this recap under severe duress. I have been fighting a cold for a week, and have been coughing up technicolor neon Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go green phlegm for days. Furthermore, I wasn’t able to re-watch last night’s episode (like I usually do) to fill in where my notes are lacking. The NyQuil kicked in at 11:00 pm, and I was out like a light. So don’t leave any comments saying “OMG – I can’t believe you didn’t mention the part where Fabio said “Pooping shoes out of his ass” – because I missed a lot of stuff. Including Fabio saying something about shoes coming out of his butt. This will be short, sweet, and probably unfunny.

On last week’s episode of Top Chef, the Cheftestants took a trip to Lay-Burn-Uh-Dan and ate a bunch of feesh. Superior European Stefan won, and his lesbian lady-love Jamie was sent home. Meanwhile, skanky Leah lived to “just kiss” the Hose for another day.

It’s morning in Brooklyn, and the five remaining Cheftestants are contemplating their last days in New York before four of them go to New Orleans for the finale. Some of them are even looking back on their culinary careers.

Leah tells us that she was an idiot who sucked at college, so she went to culinary school instead (surprise, surprise). She also tells us that cooking is the only thing she does well. I bet Hosea knows of at least 5 other things Leah does well. And she probably has them listed on her resume. References available upon request.

Carla’s culinary career came via a different path – she was originally a model. She refers to herself as a “Dark Horse” in this competition – since she hasn’t exactly dominated thus far. Carla certainly wouldn’t be the first horse to reach the top. For instance, look at Sarah Jessica Parker…

I know – that’s so wrong. I LOVE My Pretty Pony, I mean … SARAH JESSICA PARKER. Oh Willllbuuurrrrrrrrr!

They head over to the Top Chef Kitchen for the last New York Quickfire. They find Padma standing with Chef Wylie Dufresne – who seriously looks like an online child predator. Attention Chris Hanson – send some people to follow Wylie during his daily “jog” in the park. Seriously. Those sideburns make me want to scream “STRANGER DANGER! STRANGER DANGER!!

Wylie loves eggs, so the Quickfire this week will be to create an amazing egg dish for “Egghead” Wylie.

Fabio, who has never won a Quickfire, is happy to cook for Chef “Doo – Frez – Nay” (3 syllables), which is absolutely how that creepy weirdo’s name should be pronounced. Or, you could just call him “Uncle Touchy”.

Everyone seems to be running around and freaking out. Fabio is sprinting around the kitchen, Hosea’s bald head is sweating, Howie-style, into his Japanese-inspired egg dish, and Stefan takes a moment or two out of rushing to remind us how great of a Chef he is.

“Dark Horse” Carla, on the other hand, is going slow and steady. The first idea that popped into her head was Dr. Seuss’ Green Eggs and Ham – my favorite book when I was a kid. I would read it in a box; I would read it with a fox. I used to read it in the car; I used to read it at the bar (my parents couldn’t afford a babysitter). The “Dark Horse”, Carla, is now referring to herself as the “Tortoise” who slowly and steadily beats the Hare.

Utensils Down, Hands Up, Bitches!

Chef Greasy Dufresne tastes everyone’s dishes. He no likee Leah, Hosea, and Fabio – who is upset. Fabio, be glad he DIDN’T like you – because you might have ended up in his "Van of Lost Children".

Chef Wylie really likee Stefan’s strong technique, and Carla’s “playfulness”. Naturally, Chef “Come and Sit On My Lap” Dufresne picks the dish inspired by a children’s book and Carla is the winner. She will get an “advantage” during the Elimination Challenge.

The Cheftestants are told to draw knives, and each knife has a name of a foodie icon printed on it. The Elimination Challenge this week will be to prepare a “last meal” for their foodie icon. The matchups and requested dishes are as follows:

Fabio – Lidia Bastianich – Roasted Chicken with a Leafy Salad. Fabio is excited because Lidia is Italian, and Fabio is also from Italy. At least I think he is – he hasn’t really mentioned it much.

Hosea – Susan Ungaro – Shrimp Scampi with Tomatoes Provencal.

Stefan – Marcus Samuelsson – Salmon with Spinach and Roasted Potatoes. Now MARCUS is someone who could lure me into his nondescript van with promises of candy. He is yummy.

Leah – Wylie Dufresne – Eggs Benedict – preferably served in the game room at Chuck E. Cheese.

Carla – Jacques Pepin – Squab with Peas. Carla has the opportunity to swap with anyone since she won the Quickfire, but the idea of cooking peas really turns our Tortoise on.

The next day they have $300 and 30 minutes at Whole Foods. Then everyone heads over to Capitale – the former bank and grand events space that will be the venue for this “Last Supper”. The Cheftestants have two hours to prepare their dishes.

The producers seem to really be setting Stefan up for a shocking fall. He, naturally, talks about how great of a Chef he is, how much experience he has, and how there is absolutely no way he could screw up Swedish Salmon. After all, he is probably from Sweden – as well as Finland, Czechland, Germanland, and Lapland. Wait, I think Wylie Dufresne might be from Lapland … as in, “come over here and sit on my Lapland, little girl…”.

Anywhoo, Fabio breaks his finger, but refuses to go to the hospital. It’s just a flesh wound!! This does, however, slow Fabio’s roll. In fact, he curses in at least two languages while trying to peel onions and potatoes. And instead of gently cutting up his chicken for roasting, he takes a meat cleaver and hacks away like a crazed serial killer.

Fabio remarks that he would definitely NOT want his last meal prepared by Top Chef losers. He would want it “pre-pare–ed” (three syllables) by his Grandma – who “dye-ed” (two syllables) two years ago. I was “touch-ed” by this.

The legendary Food Icons gather around the “Last Supper” table and sit down. As they prepare to eat their “last meals”, I start to think about what MY last supper would look like…

First up is Leah and her Eggs Benedict. The judges don’t seem to likee. How does a Chef screw up Eggs Benedict?

Next up is Superior Stefan. They all say the salmon is overcooked. They no likee.

Third is Hosea, whos hands are shaking as he plates his food – as always. What a wuss – grow a pair, will ya?!? The judges no likee his Shrimp Scampi.

Next is Fabio, who gets a “Grazie” from Italian Lidia. I like Lidia a lot, I just wish Miss Thing would put on a wig. Her hair is obviously very thin, so I think she should just go for it…

See?!? Now THAT’S Glamour!! Lidia and the rest of the Judges seem to really likee Fabio’s hacked up Cheeken.

Finally we have Carla’s Squab and Peas for the legendary Jacques Pepin. He seems to love it, saying he could “die happy” if it was his last meal. Somebody check his pulse – they may have to use Dufresne’s MolesterVan to rush Pepin to the hospital. He’s certainly no Spring Cheeken.

It’s time for the last Judge’s Table in New York – and the Cheftestants have gathered one last time in the Not-So-Glad Storage Room. Again, Fabio says something funny – but I was busy coughing up neon green Martian fetuses from my lungs, so I didn’t hear what he said. Padma walks in and say they would like to see all five of them.

After speaking to the five Cheftestants, the Judges deliberate. Back in the Not-So-Glad Storage Room, Stefan is shitting bricks and they are making fun of Fabio because Chef Molesty Dufresne thought Fabio’s salad would be something they would serve on an airplane. Salad? – on a plane? When was the last time Wylie flew in the U.S. – 1989??

All five are called back in front of the Judges. Fabio and Carla are the top two – and Fabio is the winner – despite his “Braniff Salad". He wins a big bottle of Vino and a three-day trip to California - which is where he lives.

Fabio is safe, and so is our “Tortoise”, Carla. She is picking up steam, and passing the other competitors. Go Tortoise, Go!!

On the bottom, we have Hosea, Stefan, and Leah. It is obvious that Hosea’s Shrimp Scampi wasn’t perfect – but it’s not worthy of sending him home. No matter what AssHat Toby Young says. So it comes down to Stefan’s overcooked Salmon, or Leah’s sucky Eggs Benedict.

Leah is told to pack her knives and go – and it’s about time.

She goes back to the Storage Room and says her goodbyes, and then stands there stupidly at one point and asks … “Can I leave now?...”

I thought you would never ask. Buh-bye!!!!

Next week on Top Chef – New Orleans! Emeril! And, bestest of all, THE RETURN OF GAIL AND HER BOOBIES!!!!!!! Oh HAPPY DAY!!!!!


Bob said...

Dearest David,
First off, feel better. I was becoming sick just thinking of the green phlegm.
Second off: hysterical as usual. I nearly die-ed reading this.


Seriously.....get well....soon!

Beth said...

I missed it....again. I'm so sorry youa re sick Tranny. That sucks green mucus. But you were still funny! I don't think you can help it!

Stranger Danger!!! Stranger Danger!

Gawd, I love me some Tranny.

I also love that skanky Leah is finally gone.

Wonder Man said...

I have to find Carla's model pics

chef_the_city said...

on one hand: GAILLLLL!!!
on the other: EMERIL... ugh x1000!
i am not sure how to feel about next week's ep... oh wait, yes i do: TOBY IS OUTTA THERE! 2 out of 3 ain't bad, bbs.

a very funny, LOL recap, despite your sickies ~ thanks for doing this despite your cold, david ~ sincerely.

i have to ask one question, though: just what in the hell did carla model back in the day?!? i must know b/c my feeble mind cannot imagine a universe in which carla defines the standard of beauty. well, except maybe a muppet universe.

Anonymous said...

Dear David--You missed the highlight of the show. While you were dealing with the Martians, Fabio was asked how he could have gone on with a broken finger. He said: "Is Top Chef, not Top Pussy!" Way to go, Fabio! (The expression on the Skank's face was priceless. Even better, he hugged her and apologized!)

P.S. Unless you know someone named Livia, the cure for green slime is antibiotics. Get thee to the doctor, Dusty!

mikeinbama said...

Fabio was on his game last night. I can't get enough of his broken english, it's so funny. Stefan was really worried last night. I think Hosea is a douchebag. I hope he is the first to be eliminated in New Orleans. All in all, it was a good show but I will be rooting for fabio in the finals.

mikeinbama said...

I can't wait for Gail to hoist her boobies in front of the camera along with her wedding ring. I hope that dickwad Toby is not at the final.

Get well buddy!

Howard said...

David, great job, as always. Even ill you are funnier than most! I was fearful that Stefan was getting the loser's edit, and that would just piss me off. Yes, he was being a bit vain, but still, the Skank and Hose have got to be the next two out the door, ain't they?

I am incredibly excited about the return of boobage next week, but even more excited we might have seen the last of Toby the self-indulgent clown.

It also seems to me that Tom the Bear seems to be either changing his mind a lot, or going back in post to lay down some revisionist history. He laid Stefan out at the Judge's Table Take 1, and in the final decision, remarked how everything was perfectly seasoned, just a little problem with overcooked protein. And it was a problem for him that Carla didn't meet his expectations of the meal, but it shouldn't be held against the Hose if he left Garlic out of Scampi in his version. Consistency is a friend, not a moving target...

Hopefully, Stefan will bounce back once he has Gail's funbags to concentrate on. And go, Carla!

Kailyn said...

Leah's goodbye... < P o, b >

That's right. She threw up both hands.

See you tomorrow.

MCWolfe said...

David, so sorry you are feeling bad. Take good care of yourself and get better soon. And may I say that even suffering from the creeping cruds you are funnier than 99.999% of the population. Terrific recap as always.

theminx said...

You can read all of the funny things that you missed Fabio saying on my blog. I took lots of notes!


Mark in DE said...

So sorry you're still sick!! Mine took exactly a week before I felt better.

Great job on the recap, despite your debilitated state!

Kitty Bradshaw said...

I hope you feel better baby *mwahz*

Question: Marcus is on Top Chef?! Did you know he had his own TV Show on BETJ?!

frogponder said...

The best quality orange juice with real limes and lemons squeezed in.
Chicken broth with lots of garlic and Tabasco sauce.
Between the two of them they will kill any germ.

On to the recap! You pulled it off! It was great - the child molester bit, you have a devious mind but it fits!
Get better soon.

Jennie said...

Chicken soup, STAT!

Ugh that egg dude was total Chester D. Molester.

I don't even watch the frickin' show and I was glad Leah got the boot. Bye skank!

And YAY! The Boobies are back, the boobies are back!

Berry Blog said...

I had to be gone all day and kept thinking about getting back to read this. I mean it was real shitty out and Portland Me has a shitty layout for an airport.
It was short, but it was sweet and it was funny. You amaze me consistently coming up with great illustrations as well. and you know I love your word plays most of all.
Fabio seems to charm some but I'd like to smack him upside the head for all his whining and complaining. I was most happy to see the bacon bits bitch go, but my beloved Karla took up the motto- Keep it simple which was my complaint about Leah, always refusing to take a risk.
Other than that, I feel badly for you, you green wretch you. Y'know that rumor about vicks on the bottoms of the feet really works pretty well.
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo Charlie

Kristen said...

If this show hadn't been recorded last summer, I would have thought that Leah saying, "Piece Bitches" as she left was just for David and the dust bunnies!

Miss Ginger Grant said...

The whole time I was watching the show I kept calling him Chef Chester (the Molester!)
And I didn't know Gregory Hines runs Aquavit! I also didn't know his natural accent was Swedish!

TLo said...

So don’t leave any comments saying “OMG – I can’t believe you didn’t mention the part where..."

Don't you love those? They're our favorite.

David Dust said...

TLo -

I KNEW you boys would understand...



Anonymous said...

Get well soon , I'm also trying to get over a cold.. yuck!!
Your re-cap was hilarious (as usual) !! :D


Sam said...

Awwhh, rub some dirt on it.

NancyMcD said...

Hope you are feeling better - nyquil is the best medicine on the planet!!

This was freakin' hilarious. Well done!

Scott747 said...

David: Well despite the green slime and whatever else you might have been coughing up, you've managed to be brilliant once more. I've been following your blog for a year now, but I always look forward to your Thursday Top Chef screed. Like, I'm sure a lot of people, a group of us have a Wednesday night gathering to savor that intrigue that is Top Chef. (And by the way, have you seen Padma's new commercial for some hair care product or other? Very sexy even if as a gay man i shouldn't comment.

I just wanted to tell you how much I enjoy your brilliant blog but most importantly your commentary on Top Chef. You are always on the mark. And could we say that maybe ex-model Carla (yes, now that it's been "mentioned" on national TV we can see it, can't we?) might just pull it off. But of course there's never been a black female Top Chef winner has there. But I think -- as weird as she can sometimes be -- deserves it. Let's see what happens.

Just don't stop what you're doing man. It's brilliant.

Take care and hope you're feeling better.


Joy said...

I hope you're feeling better. If not, then get you some drugs, Honey!

Even sick, you write the best recaps on the internest!! Hilarious lines, observations, and comments as always!! You are excellent!!

I'm going to teach my grandson about Stranger Danger! I told him to scream and yell loudly, "A Stranger has me! Help!" except he doesn't know what a stranger is and keeps asking me if specific people are strangers. He likes words and will like Stranger Danger. Now if I can get him to learn not to say it when he's with me in McDonald's! Fortunately, he said it in a regular voice, and no one heard him. What a little weirdo!

Anonymous said...

Where on earth did you get that wig picture from? It's stirring in me a strange combination of fear, revulsion and intrigue. Is that a little girl and if so, why is she wearing grandma's terrible wig?

Tracy said...

You were funny even when you were sick.
I didn't know Gail was back next week. Hope Toby is back across the ocean.
And I agree, Chef Marcus is easy on the eyes.

Tivo Mom said...

Check out Leah's exit interview on People. She says that she does and does no regret "kissing" Hosea. Whatever! I am glad that she is gone. I too love Fabio's multi-syllable words. Hope you feel better.

Renee said...

I hope you're feeling better David. *hugs*
Great recap as usual. LMAO at your Wylie Dufresne comments.

Fabio totally grossed me out when he said he'd chop of his finger and sear it EEEEEEK! His top pussy comment was freakin' hilarious though.

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