Friday, August 21, 2009

Project Runway Episode One - "Making It Work, At Long Last"

All right biatches – it finally happened. After waiting way too long, we were all able to watch a new episode of Project Runway on Thursday night – and it did not disappoint.

All the worries about moving the show to Los Angeles and to Lifetime seemed to be unfounded after watching last night’s episode. The music was still the same. The clock on the wall is still the same. And Michael Kors is still orange. God Bless America.

We begin the show as we always do – with the arrivals of the 16 Fashiontestants. First to arrive is Ra’mon. Ra’mon says he went to school to become a Neurosurgeon before dropping out to become a fa’shion designer. Which is pu’zzling to me. But then again, I am somewhat stu’pid.

Logan enters the residence and immediately states that he’s a “Guy’s Guy”. You know, you can’t turn on a good fashion competition reality show anymore without the straights throwing their sexuality in our faces. It’s what wrong with this country today. Besides, I don’t want my kids exposed to that kind of behavior. Boys dating girls! It’s unnatural!!

We also meet Johnny. I’m going to say this right now – sorry people, but I think he is adorable. And when he mentions that he tried out for Project Runway before but didn’t make it because of a Crystal Meth addiction, I KNEW that Johnny is the cute hot mess of my dreams. Seriously, give me a little bit of pudge, throw in some puppy dog eyes, and stir it up with a horrible drug dependency – and Voila! – the man of my dreams. Call me anytime Johnny … COLLECT if necessary.

We meet Gordana – who looks (and sounds) like Uli’s (Season 3) hard-living older sister.

Malvin (not Melvin – this is the season of quirky spelling) has Adam Ant-like hair…

…but will he show Adam Ant-like flair?…

Then there’s “Qristyl with a Q” (I told you the names were weird this season). The clothing she designs for bigger gals is called “Plus Sexy” not “Plus Size”. However, she may be spelling “Plus Sexy” with nothing but vowels. With a name like Qristyl, you never know. But least she doesn’t spell it Q’ristyl.

We also are introduced to Nicolas. Nicolas says he is known in New York as the “Feather Prince”. Biatch, please! There is only one homosexual in New York City who is the Feather Prince – Christian Siriano…

Christian walked a CHICKEN GOWN down the runway at Bryant Park and the place went crazy. Nicolas needs to shut his beak immediately.

Oh, and BTW – did you notice that Nicolas name-checked a designer from The Fashion NO Show - Keith Lissner? Yeah, that’s not a collaboration I’d be bragging about. Even Kelly Rowland has taken The Fashion NO off her resume.

Anywhore, the designers receive notes telling them to proceed to the roof for cocktails with Heidi and Tim.

Heidi looks gorgeous – and she’s wearing her traditional “just above the cootchie”-length dress. And Tim Gunn is … quite frankly, the most fa’bulous person on television. Period (with a P).

The Fashiontestants are welcomed, Champagne is consumed, and we are introduced to more of the designers. Louise “I like vintage” Black looks like Kenley’s (Season 5) hard-living older sister. Christopher “I didn’t go to fashion school” Straub looks like a cute gay Amish boy. And wait a second … is Johnny drinking Champagne??

Which of the twelve steps is “Drink Champagne on the Roof”? Seriously, Johnny and I were DESTINED for each other. Tim tells the designers to get a good night’s rest, because they will find out about their challenge early the next morning.

The next day, Tim and the Fashiontestants meet on the Red Carpet at the Nokia Theater – where the Emmy’s will be held later that evening. Tim explains that for their first challenge, the designers must create an innovated red carpet look that shows their point of view as a designer.

They head back to the L.A. version of the Parson’s workroom – where they have 30 minutes to sketch. Malvin admits that he “doesn’t watch red carpets” – and doesn’t think that red carpets are any better than beige carpets or Persian rugs. Malvin believes in carpet equality. And Ari Fish (who is a girl – even though her name sounds like your father’s attorney) doesn’t sketch – so she meditates while doing a handstand. I’m going to try that the next time my boss asks me for a sales report.

And then it’s off to Mood L.A., where they have 30 minutes and $200. Ari is looking for fabric that will help her create a “bulbous” red-carpet gown. Wait, I think I know who Ari has in mind…

Lady Caca!

The 30 minutes at Mood is winding down, and we hear Qristyl screaming that there aren’t enough people cutting fabric. She runs around the corner, carrying scissors so she can cut her own fabric. Didn’t Qristyl’s mother Qathy (actually, it’s “Qatherine”) teach her never to run with scissors?!?

Back at the workroom, designers begin constructing their garments, and Johnny begins having a nervous breakdown. Swoon! Johnny starts second-guessing his original plan, and finally he must leave the workroom and sit down in the lounge. He explains that because of his addiction background, when he gets stressed he needs support. Oh yeah, sign me up, I’ve been on this cruise before …

But if there is one person who could handle this sitch better than me, it’s Tim Gunn. Tim swoops in with soothing words and hugs. Johnny, who is now crying, is thinking about leaving. Tim is having none of it, and talks Johnny down off his ledge with three magic words: “Make It Work”. That’s all Johnny needed – and he goes back to creating his garment.

Seriously biatches, Tim Gunn is magical. We need to put Tim in a room with House and Senate Democrats. “Healthcare reform?… MAKE IT WORK! Marriage equality? … MAKE IT WORK!”. When Tim Gunn says “Make it work”, bitches gotta make it work. Forealz.

OK – at this point I have a notation I have in my notebook that doesn’t really flow with the story, but I had to share. It says:

“Ari – wonk-eyed & really weird”…

Truth, people. I'm not so much a Recapper as I am a Truth-Teller …

Day One ends, and Day Two begins back in the workroom. Young Mitchell - who went to fashion school but now works in “the business side of fashion (AKA “Retail Queen”) – tells Amish Christopher that he is “smocking” his dress. Self-taught Christopher isn’t quite sure what “smocking” is, but he’s pretty sure he tried it once with his best friend when they were drunk. And he’s almost positive it didn’t have anything to do with a dress.

It’s time for Tim to visit. Unlike a certain fashion designer-slash-TV host (rhymes with "Misack Lizrahi"), Tim actually doles out words of encouragement and advice – not bitchy comments. But even Tim is having a hard time finding anything nice to say about Ari’s design. Unless “Halter Diaper” is a compliment. Maybe he meant to say "HALSTON Diaper".

Tim continues his visits. Ra’mon wants to give his model a “big butt” (Ra'mon l'ikes big butts and he cannot l'ie) Mitchell’s garment is all smocked and shit, and the front of Qristyl’s dress look like Charo exploded on it.

Time for a model fitting. Unfortunately all of Mitchell’s smocking was in vain – because the measurements he was given for his model were WAY off. Basically, he has a lovely collar. Which would be fine if this was the Chippendale’s challenge…

… but it’s not, so Mitchell is kinda screwed.

It’s now runway day, and the Fashiontestants have 2 hours to get their models into their garments, down to hair and makeup, and onto the runway. Mitchell has some pantyhose-like fabric left – which he attaches to his fancy smocked collar and throws on his nude model. Prediction: Nina will simply ADORE it.

Everyone heads to the runway, where Heidi greets them and announces the judges. We have Michael Kors, Nina Garcia (who is now with Marie Claire), and this week’s special guest judge – Lindsay Lohan!

Sweet Mother of Liza Minelli, how did they get LiLo’s nose off a mirror long enough to tape this episode?!? And she actually looks decent and sounds sober! WTF?? Heidi announces Lindsay as an “actress, singer, and designer of her own LINE”. Heidi should have said, “consumer of multiple lines”. Drug jokes!!

Models walk. Nina throws the side eye. Queens cry when their looks walk down the runway. The usual.

Everyone is called back out onto the runway. The “safe” designers head backstage, leaving Qristyl, Johnny, Mitchell, Ra’mon, Christopher, and Ari.

The judges no likee: Qristyl (btw – I am SO tired of looking up her name every time I have to spell it), Mitchell’s collar/nightgown/smock, and Ari’s "Ode to WTF".

They likee: Christopher, Ra’mon, and JOHNNY. See – Tim told Johnny to make it work, and he listened. Magic. Forealz.

Judges discuss with the designers. The highlight of this was when Ari said she was designing for an everyday gal who would be attending the Video Music Awards, and then swinging by to pick up her Nobel Peace Prize. Not only is Ari weird, she is also high as a kite. Michael Kors calls the outfit a “Disco Soccer Ball”.

Besides Qristyl’s dress of mess, the other garment the judges hate is Mitchell’s. Probably because it’s just a collar and some pantyhose with a skinny girl underneath. SO last season …

Time for the results…

Johnny is safe and so is Ra’mon. Amish Christopher is the winner

Qristyl is safe – so it’s down to Mitchell and Ari. And poor, wacky, stoned Ari Fish is sent home without a VMA or a Nobel Peace Prize.

But Ari’s garment does rate right up there with my all-time favorite ProjRun Episode One losing outfit…

Next week, Nina says “She is a mess!”. Wait, is Lindsey Lohan going to be on Episode TWO also?


buukfairy said...

Dear David,
thank you, Thank You, THANK YOU! You are so brilliantly funny.
Your Lurker Bunny.

polkadotoes said...

Definitely worth the wait! Thanks for the fabulously hi'larious recap and have a great time in PA!

Beth said...

it WAS worth the wait Tranny! another good one from I know what I've been missing....YOUR RECAPS!!!

I like Christopher..and Ra'Mon....I can't think of anyone else right now. Black haired chick...short hair...hard looking....was she even ON the show last night? They didn't show anything about her. Louise!!! that's it. another Jennifer, Heather or whoever from last season that I can't remember...LeeAnn? Ya, her too.

Love you, love your Feather Queen You!!!


Miss Ginger Grant said...

Miss Thang:
you are WICKED funny! My DVR taped the all star show but not the next hour! Thaks for filling me in!
BTW. Funniest fucking line ever from HK in the reunion show: "When I see boobs going all over the place, I get all dizzy..."
I know a few lezzies who had to change their panties (er, boxer shorts) after that comment!

Joy said...

Fabuloso!! Funniest observation: Ari’s "Ode to WTF". So true! Also Gordana as Uli's hard-living older sister!

I can't remember their names yet, but there are a few I like and don't like already.

What a relief that Lifetime didn't mess it up! Heidi is the best of all the ones who tell contestants they have to leave. Love Heidi and love Tim even more!

Check out my blog where I heard from Chris March.

Love you! Love your recaps as always!


Joy said...

Oh and the Lindsey Lohan, Lady Gaga, and Adam Ant hair lines - hilarious!

Johnny is your type? Well, OK! Maybe you need to go to some AA or NA meetings and find you a recovering Papi.

Jimbo said...

Best. Recap. Ever. Okay maybe I just said that because it's been so very long since we've had a PR (Project Runway not Puerto Rico) recap. I'm still laughing.


Brent said...

Thanx for filling me in; I've only managed to see the second half, for some reason (why is Lifetime splitting the episode on the hour like that?). I have to say that I was glad that (Amish?) Christopher won, since he's the cutest guy (and, thus, I'd like to see more of him). I DO like the addition of the model show; I never liked that part about the model paired with the winning designer winning something as well. It always seemed tacked on, so I'm kind of glad that LIFETIME is expanding that story.

Anonymous said...

It is so good to have your PR recaps back. Thanks :)

frogponder said...

All is right with the world. Project Runway is back and David's recaps are back. 'Ode to WTF' almost did me in...!

Bob said...

L'oved it!
I thought the show was speqtacular and l'oved how L'ifetime didn't fuq with it t'oo much!
And I especially l'oved all the new n'ames and new sp'ellings. I qan't remember when i've h'ad such a hard time w'acthing a show and trying to figure out who's wh'om.

So, in the spirit of Pro'jeqt R'unw'ay's new season I am officially changing my name to
It's e'asy to pronounce: the D and the H and the 6 and the 7 and the J and the I are silent.

I think it's q'ute.

Anonymous said...

Good PR show, but fab recap!
Ever think of doing stand-up David?
Thanks for the laughs...

LB anon

sflewie said...

You said it best so, I'll just sort of quote you, David: "After waiting way too long, we were all able to read a new recap of Project Runway – and it did not disappoint!"

You're writing is truly hilarious. You have a gift, my friend. And don't let anyone ever tell you any different. I'm a big fan.

Lewie in San Francisco

Boy Toy said...

I'm sure it was hilarious, but I scrolled immediately to the pictures of Lady Caca and the Marine Chippendale.

So it was an "Ewwww, Yeah!" sort-of-reaction.

Love you dear,

William said...

I love love love these recaps. Could you be the new program following The Project while Lifetime cancels that insufferable Model Program? Please.

This may make me sound like a cynical heartless queen, but I'm gonna come out & say it: Johnny & his camera-friendly breakdowns don't do it for me. ::guards head::

theminx said...

That's it. I am changing my name to Qathy!

"Ra'mon l'ikes big butts and he cannot l'ie" made me l'augh the ha'rdest.

Christopher looks like Perez Hilton. Dislike.


mikeinbama said...

Great Recap......I haven't decided who I like yet, but Johnny is a little ex crystal cutie.

Psychomom said...

Love your recap as much as we both love Tim, he can talk me down anytime.

But I think they should have shipped both Mitchell and Ari back to their planets. "Blame it on the model" what a crybaby.

The Models of the Runway might be interesting, if I can handle watching them get free swag for being tall and skinny and being able to walk.

And Korto should have won the All-star Challenge, I didn't understand that one at all.

And lastly, glad Lifetime played it over and over for us slowfolks.

Carry on

Kailyn said...

Ooo. We should set up a double date -- you and Johnny, me and Ra'mon.

mark said...

thank you david, i love your recaps!

i'm wondering is there a question on the application that asks how often and easily you cry?

mark said...

that Johnny is adorable hot mess

Stephen said...

You do such great recaps!
Thanks, as always for your nifty blog & your original point of view.
I'm so glad this show is back!

Lee from NC said...

Not much to add, beyond what others have written. Great re'cap! I agree with Brent and William though-Amish guy is the cutest and glad to see he'll be around for a while. And, sorry, but Johnny just got on my nerves. --ducks head--

I also liked Ra'mon to be honest. He seemed like a nice guy. None of the women stand out to me except the one who likes vintage. She seemed interesting.

And I don't think Qrystal Lite will be around for much longer. That dress was a, dare I say it?, hot tranny mess.

David Dust said...

Thank you all for the comments - my delicious darlings. You bitches crack me up! ...


Anonymous said...

OH, I meant to ask if anyone else thought Ari looked a lot like La Lohan's ex-gf DJ Samantha Ronson? It was probably a good thing that Ari's dress was so bad, so no one can say that LiLo was "biased" in her comments/judgements.

Tivo Mom said...

Loved the recap as always. One question...Malvin? Boy or girl? Or just weird? Loved on Twitter that you noticed Moutaha (how do you spell that shit?)

Kate said...

I loved the show and I love your recap! Any chance of a recap of the All-Stars challenge? The show wasn't that great, but I know your recap would be hilarious!

Q'ate (teehee!)

TropicalChrome said...

I have missed your recaps as much as the show - I haven't laughed this hard in a long time! Ok, except maybe when Ari's soccer ball walked down the runway :).

Cliff O'Neill said...

Damn! You had so many good lines in there!

And you're so right. That outfit actually WOULD work for Lady Gaga!

And don't even get me started on how many times I had to train my little fingers to type Qristyl. Or was that Nyquill?

Anonymous said...

When I saw Malvin, all I could think of was Rufio from Hook.


miss alaineus said...

you have a gift dd my dear, a gift.


Mark in DE said...

Your recap is BRILLIANT, as usual!

I think Johnny is adorable, too!

Kwana said...

Here I am soooo late to the party. Sorry I was hanging with Samantha Ronson and got sidetracked. Na as usual I saved this PR post for the exact moment when I'd need it most and you delivered.
Sweet Mother of Liza Minelli I laughed so much! I was like my 15 year old watching The Family Gut I laughed so much. This was perfection. Thanks David.

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