Top Chef Masters - Who You Calling A Ho ... Cake?

On last week’s Top Chef Masters, annoying Michael Chiarello wasn’t sent home (damn!), but there WAS a guest appearance by cutie Chef Christopher Lee (below).

Seriously, Christopher and I would make beautiful babies. Anywhoo – the five remaining Cheftestants are Rick Bayless, Anita Lo, Art Smith, Michael Slimearello, and Hubert Keller. FYI: If you Google “Art Smith Big Queen”, DavidDust comes up as the #1 selection. Try it … I’ll wait…

Anywhore, the five Masters enter the Top Chef Kitchen only to find a HUGE table full of Hamburgers and French Fries. This is also known as “Heaven”. Trust. Host Kelly “OMG I Ate a French Fry I’m Gonna Get Fat” Choi explains that this week’s Quickfire will be to create a gourmet burger and a side dish.

Hubert reveals that his restaurants sell 1000 burgers a day, and he also serves the world’s most expensive burger – which costs $5,000. Five thousand dollars for a BURGER?!? That shit better come with extra napkins … and an envelope with $4,990 cash in it.

The Masters get to burgering. Rick Bayless is doing some kind of Mexiburger (natch), Hubert is doing the $15 version of his $5,000 burger, and Anita Lo is doing a Cheese Soup with burger balls. Sounds delish.

Art Smith – my Big Gay Sister – is doing HO Hoe Cakes. I had to Google “Hoe Cakes” (right after I Googled “Art Smith Big Queen”) and Hoe cakes are NOT these …

… Or THESE…


Hoe cakes are cornbreadish, and Art wants to put his burger on that Ho … Cake.

Michael Chiarello is annoying me by calling his big-ass burger a “Hamborghese GreatBighese” or some Italianesque name. Why can’t he just call is a Big-Ass Burger like a normal person? Michael Chiarello is annoyinghese.

We find out the three judges for the Quickfire are: some dude who makes burgers at his restaurant, Asshat Spike, and Morgan Spurlock (below) – a straight man with the gayest facial hair on the planet. I’ve always wondered if Spurlock performs in a Village People cover band on the weekends for extra cash.


Anywhoo – Spurlock’s claim to fame (besides the Macho Man mustache) is the documentary he made called Supersize Me. Spurlock ate at McDonald’s every day for 30 days – and documented his resulting weight gain, etc in the movie. What a lightweight … try eating at McDonald’s every day for 30 YEARS!!! Where the Hell is MY movie??...

Burger-judging happens. The Masters seem upset by the lack of sophistication of the Judges. Uh … DUH!! You have some dude, Spike, and another dude with a mustache. What did they expect? The best was when mild-mannered Rick Bayless and Hubert Keller basically plotted to kill Spike by throwing him off the roof. I could get on board with that.

Results:

Anita’s Cheesy Burger Ball Soup is rated the worst. Rick Bayless and Michael Chiarello tie for the win. And Art Smith’s HoBurger ended up somewhere in the middle. FYI: If Art Smith opened a restaurant called “HoBurger Heaven”, I would totally eat there every day for at least 30 days.

Elimination:

For the Elimination Challenge this week, the Masters will be catering a five-course lunch for “singer/actress Zooey Deschanel”. The name sounds familiar, but I had to Google her (seriously, this recap should be sponsored by Google) to figure out who she was. Art Smith said he liked her in “Elf”, but I though he said “Alf”…


It’s an easy mistake. Art Smith doesn’t trust Miss Zooey – he can tell something’s up. Art knows never to trust a skinny bitch. And something certainly IS up; Zoey Deschanel has a few dietary restrictions:

No meat, poultry, fish, eggs, dairy, or soy. And she’s “allergic” to gluten (wheat-based products). Those of us in the restaurant business know that “allergic” means “I’d rather not eat”. We know this because we secretly put whatever you’re “allergic” to in your dish and you NEVER die. I kid...

The Masters drive over to Whole Foods and head for the “Tasteless Crap For Weirdos” aisle. It’s slim pickens, and the Chefs aren’t happy to be cooking with such restrictions. There is nothing worse than cooking for a C-List celebrity with A-List issues.

After shopping, they head back to the Top Chef Kitchen for two hours of prep. Rick Bayless is doing Mexican something, Hubert is doing a trio of something that sounds fabulous because of his accent, Anita is doing grilled eggplant, and Michael is doing some Quinoa pasta. I don’t know what it is either … Google it.

Then there’s Art Smith. Art has volunteered to do dessert – and he has decided on a Strawberry and Champagne soup. He uses some kind of nasty-sounding rice milk ice cream – which “concerns” Rick Bayless. Doesn’t Bayless remind you of the know-it-all kid at school,who was always “surprised” when he got a perfect score on a test? Yeah, Rick is THAT GUY, but I can’t help but like him anyway.

The Chefs head over to the venue to get set up. Zooey is there to greet them, and to apologize for being such a pain in the ass. “Nobody cooks for me!”, she says – adding that she is excited to see what the Chefs come up with. She does this because the producers told her that kitchen people are sometimes known to do HORRIBLE things to the food of annoying people with dietary dramas. Wise move…

The Judges arrive, along with Zooey’s friends and Mother. And let me just say, Mom is the coolest person there … by far. Zooey’s friends look an advertisement for Benetton – if all the “models” were members of the Chemistry Club.

Hubert serves first, but the waiters kept dropping his shot glasses filled with vegan liquid. It’s because that crap wants to be out of that glass and back in the earth, where it belongs. Dust to dust, so to speak.

Anito Lo is next. Her grilled eggplant wasn’t a hit.

Michael Chiarello’s fake pasta is next. It is so good that Zooey now wants to “hug” Michael. He'd love it, but she'd have to wash the smarm off afterwards.

Rick Bayless presents his Mexicana Extravaganza, followed by Art Smith’s Strawberry-Champagne Ho Soup.

Zooey, the Chemistry Club, and Mom rate the food – and the Chefs/Judges head back to the Judges Table.

Judges discuss. Chefs defend. Rick Bayless gives us a 5 minute lecture regarding the many ways the indigenous peoples of Mexico use their native fresh vegetables … zzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

In the end, Michael Chiarello wins (DAMN!) – and Hubert and Rick tie for second. This leaves Art and Anita in the bottom.

Anita ends up ½ star ahead, so Art Smith is forced to head back to Chicago. It won’t be the same without Art and his dimply Ho Cakes.


Next week on Top Chef Masters – old Cheftestants return as Sous Chefs!! And Douchy Dale Talde picks a fight with Michael Chiarello. As a result I will NEVER refer to Dale as "Douchy" again. He will forever be known as “Delightful Dale” or “Delicious Dale” or “Kick Michael Chiarello’s ASS Dale”…