Top Chef Episode Eleven - It's All Good

Last time on Top Chef, a group of former Cheftestant losers competed with this season’s Cheftestants in the Top Chef Stupidbowl. Jeff with the Hair went home and Carla won. Hootie Hoo!!

This week’s episode opens, as always, in the Top Chef apartment. Fabio whips out his T-Mobile sidekick to call his wife, and immediately my heart sinks. As I’ve said before, calling home at the beginning of an episode usually means you will be going home at the end of the episode. Please don’t deprive me of my Italian Stallion.

Fabio asks his wife how their restaurant is doing – and she replies “good”. Fabio is concerned because no matter what, Wifey always says “good”. She also describes Orange Sherbet, Rhianna’s music, and sex with her husband as being “good”. Fabio would prefer it if she was more specific, if possible. After he hangs up, Fabio tells us he “has to win” this competition for his wife. Because she will think it is "good".

Hosea gives us his best Dick Cheney imitation. Since The Hose is the last heterosexual American male on Top Chef (and indeed in all of New York City) he vows to win on behalf of the Republican Party and Straight White Men everywhere. It's what Ronald Reagan and Jesse Helms would have wanted.

They enter the Top Chef Kitchen and find Padma standing with legendary Chef Eric Ripert – owner of Le Bernadin restaurant here in NYC. Some of the Cheftestants remark about how incredible Chef Ripert is, and how nervous they are to be in his presence.

The Quickfire Challenge this week will be a three-round fish filleting tournament – in honor of seafood master Ripert. When Padma said “fish fillet”, I thought she meant Filet-O-Fish – which I used to make as a young "crew person" at McDonald's. You deep fry the frozen fish pattie for 3 ½ minutes in oil that’s at 330 degrees. Steam the bun; add a ½ slice of cheese and a squirt of tarter sauce – and Voila! Does this mean I just won the Quickfire Challenge?

Actually, the Quickfire is much more complicated than that. Round One requires the Cheftestants to clean and butterfly sardines. Carla, all of a sudden, turns into a Cockney Eliza Doolittle – describing sardines as “Wee li-il fish, Governor!”. WTF??

Fish Chef Hosea is having a little trouble, but explains he “doesn’t do small fish” at his restaurant. Please insert Hosea/Leah hookup joke [HERE].

After they finish, Chef Ripert judges the results. This time Carla speaks in a Scarlett O’Hara southern drawl – saying she realizes her sardines look horrible. I had no idea Carla and her Spirit Guides did impressions. She could be the next Rich Little.

Fabio makes sure to tell Chef Eric that he is Italian and has been slicing up sardines since he was young little meatball. What kind of childhood did poor Fabio have? – he stirred polenta, chopped onions and filleted sardines all day. Don’t they have coloring books in Italy? Haven’t they heard of Tonka Trucks? Whatsamattayou?!?

Based on their crappy sardines – Crazy Eliza Carlittle O’Hara and Jamie are both out.

Round Two is Arctic Char. They must make two lovely fillets – which The Hose and Stefan do well. Fabio and Leah do the worst, and are out.

Finally, we get to Round Three – Eels – which are still writhing around. Arch enemies Hosea and Stefan will go head-to-head for the Quickfire win.

Confident Stefan immediately puts a smirk on his face. “Skinning eel is what we do in Germany!” (or Finland, or the Czech Republic, or Chefganistan) – and Stefan has been doing it since he was a kid. I have three words of advice for Europe: Toys R Us. Seriously – look into it.

Now I must admit, I turned away from the television during this segment. Dust Bunny Kayce (Chef The City) warned us last week that the proper way to fillet an eel was to first nail it to the cutting board – which Stefan promptly did. Here is what I imagine the process looked like…


The Hose complains that they don’t have eels in Colorado – and he has no idea how to fillet one. Note to Hosea: they don’t have a sea in Colorado either, but you claim to be a seafood chef – so deal with it. They also don’t have toys in Europe, but they do OK - don’t they?

Dominant Stefan wins the Quickfire, leaving his arch rival Hosea in the dust. Stefan and Hosea are the Road Runner and Wile E. Coyote of reality television. When will Hose E. Coyote realize that he will NEVER win?...


With the Quickfire Challenge complete, Chef Ripert invites the Cheftestants to Le Bernadin for lunch the following day.

The next morning the Cheftestants get all gussied up to eat at Le Bernadin – which Hosea pronounces “Lay Burn Uh Dan”. Apparently they don’t have French pronunciation in Colorado either.

They arrive at the restaurant and sit down with Chefs Tom Colicchio and Eric Ripert for a six-course seafood lunch. Items include snapper, monkfish, black bass and lobster. Jamie, the petulant lesbian, disses a couple of the dishes – including the black bass with braised celery. Slutty Leah, on the other hand, can only talk about how “cute” Eric Ripert is. I bet Leah was REALLY popular in Culinary School – with the boys, at least.

Fish dish after fish dish comes out for everyone to taste. It’s all very fancy – but made to look not so fancy – but tastes very complicated. That’s all just a little too much for me. If I was doing a fish tasting menu, here would be my six courses…

And every course would come with Onion Rings – ‘cause that’s how I roll.

At the end of lunch, the knife block comes out. Chef Tom says the Elimination Challenge will be for them to recreate the dishes they just ate. Stefan, as the winner of the Quickfire, gets to choose his dish. They rest will draw knives. Stefan chooses the lobster dish – which Hosea claims is “the easiest”. Because if Hosea won the Quickfire, he would have selected the most difficult dish. Right.

They have two hours to prep and practice – and will then cook their dishes for the judges. The Cheftestant with the dish that is LEAST like the original will go home.

Jamie ends up with the Black Bass/Braised Celery dish she didn’t like – and seems to have trouble. In addition to braised celery, she must make a ham sauce – which she has never done. The more I think about “ham sauce”, the more I think it should be put on everything. Fish Sticks dipped in Ham Sauce sounds like a perfect meal to me.

Leah and Hosea also seem to have trouble. Hosea must use za’atar – a spice he has never used before. They don’t have it in Colorado. Leah – who claims to have been the “Lead Fish Cook” at her last restaurant, can’t seem to get her Mahi-Mahi dish right either.

Chef Ripert comes in to visit the Cheftestants and give them some guidance. He tastes everyone's dishes, except Jamie's -who didn’t have her dish prepared on time. After giving them some helpful hints, Chef Eric wishes everyone luck and goes into the dining room to await the results.

First up, we have Fabio and the Red Snapper. He adorably tells us how he “sear-ed da bread”. I love how Fabio makes a one syllable word like "seared" into two syllables (“sear-ed”, “age-ed”). They obviously don’t have one syllable words in Europe. Anywhoo, the judges seem to think Fabio’s Snapper is “good”. Or “go-od”.

Second is Leah and the Mahi Mahi. Tom thinks it’s overcooked, and Toby Young continues to be the most annoying person in the history of television. I didn’t write down what Toby said, but there is some stray saliva in my notebook from me spitting out curse words while Toby was on the screen. I wish Stefan would just give Toby the eel treatment…


Speaking of Stefan – he is up next with his Lobster and Asparagus dish. Other than a thick sauce, the judges seem to really likee. In fact, Chef Ripert seems to be sweating the fact that Stefan came so close. Either that or Ripert still remembers what Stefan did to that poor eel.

Next up is Carla – who is cooking a fish called Escolar. As soon as I hear “escolar”, I think of Columbian drug lord Pablo Escobar – and make a note to use this somewhere in my recap. Because murderous cocaine kingpins are funny! I am SO proud of myself for thinking of such a witty thing – surely no one else would ever think of it. What a funny person I am! Anywhoo – the judges likee Carla’s dish.

Hosea tells us for the millionth time that he is “the seafood guy”, and then proceeds to completely underwhelm the judges with his Monkfish. Beep beep!


Finally, we have Jamie and her Black Bass. Jamie tells us she feels confident because “I know how to cook fish”. That’s like putting me on Project Runway because I threaded a sewing machine in 8th Grade Home Economics. Good luck with that. The judges make faces at Jamie’s extremely salty celery. They no likee.

Back at the Judge’s Table, Fabio, Stefan and Carla are called in. They are the top three. The judges discus their dishes, and AssHat Toby Young calls Carla’s dish “Pablo Escolar”! I thought of that shit first – I SWEAR! Attention Top Chef Producers: if Gail and her Boobies are not back next season I will gut you like Stefan does a fresh-water eel. Make a note of it, bitches.

Eric Ripert announces that Stefan is the winner and will receive the opportunity to spend a week working with him at Le Bernadin. Stefan also wins a romantic trip for two somewhere with Chef Ripert. I bet Leah (and Fabio) will be jealous.

Leah, Jamie and Hosea are the bottom three, and stand before the judges. Hosea and Jamie own up to their mistakes and realize exactly what they did wrong. Leah, on the other hand, sounds like a she drank a six pack and smoked a blunt before she spoke to the judges. Either that, or she is just really stupid. Which, again, probably added to her popularity with the boys.

“Um … blah blah … greasy … um … blah blah … lemon … um … ok … blah blah … butter … um …ok”. Thanks for explaining yourself, Leah. Toby declares that he still has the taste of her fish in his mouth, and it’s not pleasant. Insert Hosea/Leah hookup joke [HERE]. Chef Tom really seems to have hated her dish – and wonders if Leah has just given up on the competition.

At this point, it looks to me like Leah will be going home – which she deserves to do. But the judges also hated Jamie’s dish. Padma claims she would have sent it back and it wasn’t pleasing to eat or even look at (which, coincidentally, also describes the men Padma dates). Toby described Jamie’s dish as having a “metallic” and “toxic” flavor – similar to Toby Young’s personality.

The judges deliberate and come to a decision. Leah will be go…

Wait. What? Leah is staying?? Are you serious??!!?? OK, who did Leah “just kiss” under the Judge’s Table to stick around another week?

Jamie is actually going home – which is ridiculous. Team Rainbow is no more, and that skank Leah is still here. I call SHENANIGANS.

Next week. Fabio gets hurt?!? That’s not “good”.