Project Runway Episode Three - Where's Michael Kors When You Need Him?

On last week’s episode of Project Runway, Shirin won the “Rebecca Romijn Isn’t Fat, She’s Pregnant” Challenge by creating a gorgeous dress and a gorgeous coat. Malvin, on the other hand, got his conceptual ass sent home for his Homage to the Huevo…


SpEGGtacular!!

This week begins in the apartments, where the producers seem to be focusing on Ra’mon and Mi’tchell. Ra’mon and Mitchell don’t want to go home and they have to step up their game blah blah blah. Boring. It was so much better when mornings on Project Runway looked like this…

Now THAT'S a good way to start the day!

On the runway, Heidi tells the Fashiontestants that they'll be going on a field trip – and the designers pile into vans and head to the beach. Once there, they are greeting by Tim Gunn (wearing flip-flops and a blazer), the Garnier Hair Queen, and some Surfer Ho’s (for authenticity and decoration).

Tim announces that this week’s challenge will be to create a fun and fashionable surfer look. He then announces they will be working in teams of two. Groan! Sigh! Eye Roll! Geez – the designers act like Tim told them they’d be doing a menswear challenge using nothing but flip flops, blazers, Garnier hair products, and Surfer Ho’s. Calm down!

Here are the teams:

Shirin and Carol Hannah

Straight Logan and Not-So-Straight Christopher

Feather Queen Nicolas and Gordana – hereafter known as “Boris and Natasha”

Mitchell and Ra’mon. Much to Ra’mon’s di’smay.

Althea and Nice Kenley Louise

Johhny and Irina

Qristyl and Epperson – hereafter referred to as “George and Weezy”

Tim tells the designers that they have 20 minutes to “caucus” (Oh how I missed caucusing!!!!). Tim reminds them that the Surfer Ho’s are available to answer questions about surfer fashion and how to remove sand from body crevices.

George and Weezy start off on the wrong foot. Epperson is treating Qristyl like a student, but Weezy is “no damn student!” George can treat Florence like that, but not Weezy.


Time to shop at Mood – where they only have $50 and 15 minutes. The time constraints seem to have everybody fussing at each other – especially Epperson and Qristyl.

They head back to the work room and get busy. Boris and Natasha are doing something involving “wraparound pants” and an “ombre of macramé”. Personally, I prefer “Hombres wearing Macramé” …


Ra’mon and Mitchell are already in couples counseling. When Ra’mon asks for a little positive affirmation from his partner, Mitchell says “I can’t always tell you that you’re perfect”. Mitchell also tells Ra’mon that he “doesn’t want to be tied down” at this point in his life and that they should “see other people”. “It’s not you, it’s me”, Mitchell adds.

Despite the open lines of communication, Ra’mon begins to realize that even though Mitchell is the team captain, Captain Clueless will get their asses sent home unless Ra’mon takes charge. In fact, Mitchell actually picked Ra’mon because (I kid you not) – he said “I need someone to carry me” through this challenge. Way to reach for the stars, Captain Clueless.

Enter Tim Gunn – stage left – playing the role of monkey-wrench thrower. Tim announces that now a 2nd look must be created! This will be an “avant-garde” look that should correspond to their beach look. Tomorrow he will take one member of each team to Mood, where they will be able to spend $200.

Day two begins with the trip to Mood. While Ra’mon is gone, Mitchell is supposed to work on sewing their bathing suit – although Mitchell can’t seem make it work. “I have wonderful ideas in my head”, he explains, but Mitchell seems to have trouble turning those ideas into actual garments. Captain Clueless is on the wrong show – he would have been perfect for The Fashion NO Show. None of those bitches could sew – but they had some interesting “ideas”. Remember the Shoe Rack Coat? …


Yeah, me neither. Tim comes in to speak to Carol Hannah Montana about a model issue. It seems that Erika, Carol's model, will not be able to make it because she has HIT THE BIG TIME! That’s right people, Erika has landed my dream job … an Arby’s commercial!!!! I don’t blame Erika for bowing out of Project Runway for her chance at Curly-Fried stardom – I would postpone my (imaginary) gaywedding to Franky G (below) for the chance to eat delicious roast beef on-camera…


Now THERE’S a man who looks good in flip-flops!

Anywhoo, Carol Hannah-and-her-Sisters will use another model – the lovely Valerie. Meanwhile, Miss Mitchell is ‘good-timing it’ all over the workroom – talking, laughing, and generally being unproductive. With, presumably, all those “wonderful ideas” still rattling around in his head. But this shouldn’t upset his partner Ra’mon, because after all, love means never having to say you’re sorry.

Tim visits the workroom for consultations and/or puzzled stares. When he approaches Ra’mon and Mitchell – Tim squawks “What is THAT?!?” when he sees the avant-garde scuba jumpsuit/superhero costume. “I don’t get it”, Tim continues. Ra’mon immediately decides to scrap the jumpsuit – which his partner, Captain Clueless, can now use as his uniform. All it needs is a big “C” decal on the front – although I’m not sure Mitchell can handle iron-on transfers. Ra'mon will have to do it for him.

Meanwhile, back at the DEE-luxe apartment in the sky-y-y, George and Weezy have HAD IT with each other. Every time Qristyl tries to talk, Epperson interrupts and shuts her down. Considering that Epperson seems so quiet and reserved, it’s hard to believe that he is dominating the outspoken Qristyl. “I don’t know what kind of woman you’re used to!”, she exclaims. Weezy is NOT the one, ya’ll.

It’s now runway day – and the designers have two hours to finish up and get their models into hair and makeup. With 35 minutes left, Ra’mon is still dying his avant-garde look, and Tim is concerned. Mitchell, on the other hand, has found a shiny pair of scissors to play with. “I can see myself!”, he exclaims with amazement and glee.

It’s time for the show, and the judges are introduced. Nina is there, along with guest judge Rachel Bilson – with Max Azria filling in for Michael Kors this week.

The models walk the runway, and I have to say – the show contained a whole lotta FUG. Michael Kors would have had a field day.

After the show, the “safe” designers are sent backstage, leaving 8 designers remaining on the runway: Boris & Natasha, George & Weezy, Johnny & Irina, and Ra’mon & Mitchell. Wait a second, the math doesn’t add up. I know that Johnny and Irina did well, but who was the other top team?...


Ra’mon and Captain Clueless!! Ra’mon looks as shocked as everyone else – considering he created these two outfits pretty much by himself and with no help from Mitchell and his big brain full of ideas.

The judges discuss with the designers – and Ra’mon does all the talking for his team. When Heidi questions Mitchell about what he did, "idea man" Mitchell pretty much admits that he did nothing and Ra’mon did everything. Where is Michael Kors when you need him - and why is Nina Garcia so nice this season?!?

The bottom four designers come out to defend their fashion foolery with Heidi & Company. George and Weezy start bickering on the runway, with Qristyl finally declaring that “It was a bad marriage”. George should have listened to Mother Jefferson - Weezy was never good enough for her dear son...


Then we get to Boris and Natasha and their “designs”. O … M … G … their avant-garde look was MADE for Michael Kors to criticize. DAMN YOU, DUCHESS, FOR NOT BEING ON THIS EPISODE!!!


Seriously, there’s a Hooker in Newark who’s missing her Saturday Stroll outfit. Give it back.

The designers wait backstage for the judges to make their decision. Heidi is not happy with Mitchell and the fact that he basically did nothing. But then again, doing nothing can’t be worse than copying an outfit from a New Jersey Prostitute Whore. Can it?

Time for the results. Ra’mon is the wi’nner!!! He is seriously shocked, and wonders if a mistake has been made. Darling, did you SEE those other outfits?!? Seriously, you could have used polka dot prints and gold lame (and flip flops) and still beat those tranny messes.

Johnny and Irina came in 2nd and are safe. Boris and Natasha are safe (??!!??). This leaves Qristyl, Epperson and Mitchell … even though Mitchell was technically on the winning team.

George is safe … and so is Weezy, and they head back to the East Side. Mitchell, who has been in the bottom in all three episodes is sent home by Heidi with these words: “Three strikes and you’re out”. She also mentions that in the history of Project Runway, no member of a winning team has ever been sent home. I’m sure Captain Clueless will put that on his resume. “I made history, ya'll!”...


Next week: another Prom challenge?!?...